Loveless marriages

[Howard_lfc]

should the husband and wife stay together (just) for the sake of the children?

How can two people stay together when they clearly don't love each other?

Discuss.

[Hollowman]

Some cultures might suggest that love can be as much a product of marriage as marriage of love.

[Red_hot]

should the husband and wife stay together (just) for the sake of the children?

How can two people stay together when they clearly don't love each other?

Discuss.


You have to admire people who have done this and there are many that have. I suppose it depends on if the parents are fighting all the time etc as this wouldn't be the best environment for a child but people don't work at anything now. It's too easy to fuck it off.

[Abdul Alhazred]

Kurt Vonnegut's book Slapstick is worth reading on the subject of love.

From the prologue:

This is the closest I will ever come to writing an autobiography. I have called it "Slapstick" because it is grotesque, situational poetry--like the slapstick film comedies, especially those of Laurel and Hardy, of long ago.

It is about what life feels like to me.

There are all these tests of my limited agility and intelligence. They go on and on.

The fundamental joke with Laurel and Hardy, it seems to me, was that they did their best with every test.

They never failed to bargain in good faith with their destinies, and were screamingly adorable and funny on that account. . . There was very little love in their films. There was often the situational poetry of marriage, which was something else again. It was yet another test--with comical possibilities, provided that everybody submitted to it in good faith.

Love was never at issue. And, perhaps because I was so perpetually intoxicated and instructed by Laurel and Hardy during my childhood in the Great Depression, I find it natural to discuss life without ever mentioning love.
It does not seem important to me. What does seem important? Bargaining in good faith with destiny. . . I have had some experiences with love, or think I have, anyway, although the ones I have liked best could easily be described as "common decency." I treated somebody well for a little while, or maybe even for a tremendously long time, and that person treated me well in turn. Love need not have had anything to do with it.
Also: I cannot distinguish between the love I have for people and the love I have for dogs. When a child, and not watching comedians on film or listening to comedians on the radio, I used to spend a lot of time rolling around on rugs with uncritically affectionate dogs we had. And I still do a lot of that. The dogs become tired and confused and embarrassed long before I do. I could go on forever. . . Love is where you find it. I think it is foolish to go looking for it, and I think it can often be poisonous.

I wish that people who are conventionally supposed to love each other would say to each other, when they fight, "Please--a little less love, and a little more common decency."

:handshake:

BTW, I have strongly ambivalent feelings towards my wife

[warrenpeace]

You have to admire people who have done this and there are many that have. I suppose it depends on if the parents are fighting all the time etc as this wouldn't be the best environment for a child but people don't work at anything now. It's too easy to fuck it off.

For me you have that the wrong way round where children are involved. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done because I felt like I was leaving the kids. I must have agonised over it for well over 12 months.

[Neil Young]

For me you have that the wrong way round where children are involved. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done because I felt like I was leaving the kids. I must have agonised over it for well over 12 months.
It's easy to have a hard-and-fast and rather judgmental viewpoint if you haven't been through it. :handshake:

[warrenpeace]

It's easy to have a hard-and-fast and rather judgmental viewpoint if you haven't been through it. :handshake:

:handshake: people aren't the same and it is too complicated a subject for generalisations.

[Neil Young]

:handshake: people aren't the same and it is too complicated a subject for generalisations.
:handshake: Amen brother.

[Red_hot]

For me you have that the wrong way round where children are involved. Leaving was the hardest thing I've ever done because I felt like I was leaving the kids. I must have agonised over it for well over 12 months.


I know that. I've actually been through it myself although I still believe that people don't work at things hard enough. When the going gets tough then they're out of it. Having said that, I do know thats not the case for everyone and I spent far too long with someone who made me unhappy cos I wanted everything to be perfect for my kids until I realised that seeing us arguing every day was far from perfect for anyone.

[Neil Young]

I know that. I've actually been through it myself although I still believe that people don't work at things hard enough. When the going gets tough then they're out of it. Having said that, I do know thats not the case for everyone and I spent far too long with someone who made me unhappy cos I wanted everything to be perfect for my kids until I realised that seeing us arguing every day was far from perfect for anyone.
So out of the three of us who've posted on this thread and who have been through it we all feel we worked really hard to make it work and only spearated when all else failed, yes?

Of course there are people who don't bother working but I'd guess (and I'll happily admit it is only a guess) they are in the minority when it comes to marrriage break-ups involving children.

[Red_hot]

So out of the three of us who've posted on this thread and who have been through it we all feel we worked really hard to make it work and only spearated when all else failed, yes?

Of course there are people who don't bother working but I'd guess (and I'll happily admit it is only a guess) they are in the minority when it comes to marrriage break-ups involving children.


Yeah I don't particularly mean people who have kids. I'm talking about relationships in general.

[Neil Young]

Yeah I don't particularly mean people who have kids. I'm talking about relationships in general.
Sure, I agree, I think people without children do give up sooner than they used to but then again is that really any worse than sticking with someone you don't love and being unhappy just because you once said you would?

Sorry about the shockingly bad typing in my previous post. :(

[Red_hot]

Sure, I agree, I think people without children do give up sooner than they used to but then again is that really any worse than sticking with someone you don't love and being unhappy just because you once said you would?

Sorry about the shockingly bad typing in my previous post. :(

I just think that people nowadays just want everything on a plate and aren't prepared to work for it. I know its not everyone before anyone starts saying i'm generalising but to an extent it's true. What happened to working at things and learning to compromise?

[nobbylad]

should the husband and wife stay together (just) for the sake of the children?

How can two people stay together when they clearly don't love each other?

Discuss.

No...they should stay together for the sake of the children (so that they may learn never to make the same mistake of marrying someone who isn't right) and also for the sake of their finances.

[warrenpeace]

So out of the three of us who've posted on this thread and who have been through it we all feel we worked really hard to make it work and only spearated when all else failed, yes?

Of course there are people who don't bother working but I'd guess (and I'll happily admit it is only a guess) they are in the minority when it comes to marrriage break-ups involving children.

Mmmmmm. I realised fairly early on that I'd made a big mistake. I didn't dislike her, just didn't really feel much for her and the thought of being with her for the rest of my life was quite depressing. I just sought of decided I'd made my bed so I'd lie in it. But I just got unhappier and unhappier. We went to Relate and all that but it just made me realise there wasn't much of a foundation to build on - there was nothing there to work on. So eventually I left.

Staying together for the sake of the kids may be admirable on occasions but unless both parties acknowledge that is what they are doing then it requires a deceit on behalf of one that they still love the other. That, in my experience, just isn't healthy.

[Helios Creed]

:handshake: people aren't the same and it is too complicated a subject for generalisations.

isn't "people aren't the same" a generalisation? :)

[warrenpeace]

isn't "people aren't the same" a generalisation? :)

no

people aren't the same FACT

[Helios Creed]

no

people aren't the same FACT

fair enough.

[warrenpeace]

fair enough.

:handshake:

[singlerider]

Some people should break up for the sake of the kids.

I used to feel all "Poor me" as a nipper, cos I hardly knew anyone with divorced parents.

Now I know loads, and see some people whose parents sticking together fucked them up.

[Neil Young]

Some people should break up for the sake of the kids.

I used to feel all "Poor me" as a nipper, cos I hardly knew anyone with divorced parents.

Now I know loads, and see some people whose parents sticking together fucked them up.
That has been a massive change in society and does change the arithmetic when deciding whether to separate or not.

I hope this isn't insensitive but does your username refer to your own lovelessness? :D

[singlerider]

That has been a massive change in society and does change the arithmetic when deciding whether to separate or not.

I hope this isn't insensitive but does your username refer to your own lovelessness? :D

Nah.

I joined up at KT after going to Alton Towers, and you get to queue jump if you're a 'single rider'

Dunno why I chose it really, just popped into my head, and stuck.

But yes, it does sound rather like a euphemism for a compulsive masturbator

[Neil Young]

Ah, you were on KT? Sorry, I don't recall the name which is, by the way, very good.

:handshake:

[singlerider]

Ah, you were on KT? Sorry, I don't recall the name which is, by the way, very good.

:handshake:

I was one of the freebie lot.

Some over here seem familiar, some don't, but I've been around since the exodus from the free site. Mainly tend to lurk though - more of a 6CM bod as that lot are a bit more familiar, but I do like to come on here and poke around every now and then.

Generally tends to take something I feel strongly about to entice me to post (either that or it being quiet over there).

:handshake:

[Snigger]

The simplest thing to do is re lay the patio and then just shrug when asked where your other half is.

[Red Chilli]

Can't see the point in relationships in this day and age :)

[TheElephantMan]

This is quite a pertinent thread, as I'm currently facing this situation myself. I'm very seriously contemplating leaving my Wife because I have no positive feelings for her whatsoever, but I've got two children who I absolutely adore. I should have somewhere to go shortly, but I know it's not going to be easy to leave.

Ian.

[Red Chilli]

Good luck Ian, whatever you decide :)

[TheElephantMan]

Good luck Ian, whatever you decide :)

Thanks! :handshake:

Ian.

[MARTINOZ]

Good luck mate - there is no way in the world anyone could take this step lightly .

[warrenpeace]

This is quite a pertinent thread, as I'm currently facing this situation myself. I'm very seriously contemplating leaving my Wife because I have no positive feelings for her whatsoever, but I've got two children who I absolutely adore. I should have somewhere to go shortly, but I know it's not going to be easy to leave.

Ian.


FWIW, and this isn't to say it would end up the same with you, but I see my kids 3 times a week and feel that I spend more quality time with them than before I left. I said earlier in this thread that leaving was the most difficult decision I ever made but it has also turned out to be one of the best.

Hope all turns out well for you :handshake:

[Mattshark]

should the husband and wife stay together (just) for the sake of the children?

How can two people stay together when they clearly don't love each other?

Discuss.

There was an article on this subject in New Scientist saying that such things as being in a stress environment are very bad for childs development for physically and pyschologically, especially for girls (there is a lack of information on the effects of boys). It is likely in girls to cause puberty to onset at an earlier age which has been shown to tie in with pyschological instability, heavily increased risk of teenage pregnancy and depression. Similar effects occur with out the biological father as well. So no it is good for the children anyway and is more likely to make everyones life worse.

[Howard_lfc]

This is quite a pertinent thread, as I'm currently facing this situation myself. I'm very seriously contemplating leaving my Wife because I have no positive feelings for her whatsoever, but I've got two children who I absolutely adore. I should have somewhere to go shortly, but I know it's not going to be easy to leave.

Ian.


The very best of luck to you fella.:handshake:

sinceresmiley

[Shaggy]

This is quite a pertinent thread, as I'm currently facing this situation myself. I'm very seriously contemplating leaving my Wife because I have no positive feelings for her whatsoever, but I've got two children who I absolutely adore. I should have somewhere to go shortly, but I know it's not going to be easy to leave.

Ian.

Oh no....good luck mate, whatever you do. :handshake: