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**Shaggy** · 09-05-07, 05:55 PM

Originally posted by lfc4ever View Post

Reincarnated Swede, and Dead Parrot

Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning
Wednesday May 9, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

NOUVEAU CHATEAU, SAME OLD PLONKERS

Back in 1895 Newcastle United directors were so angered by local apathy to their nascent club that they issued a statement railing: "The people of Tyneside do not deserve a professional football club." Fast forward [Fiver reaches for calculator] ... [Fiver reaches for calculator user manual] ... [Fiver orders work experience lackey to do the sums] 112 years, and 50,000 long-suffering topless beer-swillers are no doubt giving voice to a very different bellyache, ie: "The people of Tyneside do not deserve Sven-Goran Eriksson," Unfortunately for all Geordies, the bespectacled cad has his sights set on the Toon.

The boring Swede recently admitted that he's bored of being paid £6,500-a-day by the FA not to bore England fans and is eager to find a new cash cow to mil..., sorry, eager to return to management. Naturally, then, he's keen on filling the vacancy at Newcastle, a club that, as he famously claimed Michael Owen confided to him, chuck "incredible" amounts of money at fallen stars. "There's been no contact whatsoever, but if Newcastle were interested in Sven-Goran Eriksson, I'm sure Sven-Goran Eriksson would be interested in talking to Newcastle," hissed Sven's mouthpiece, Athole Still, dreaming of another bumper payday for Sven's mouthpiece Athole Still.

If some Magpies have reservations about Sam Allardyce - still 1-3 favourite for the Newcastle job - foisting Bolton-style tactics on a club that prides itself on attempting to play slick attacking football, then virtually all Geordies will be incoherent with rage (as opposed to plain incoherent) at the prospect of the reins being entrusted to a negative dogmatist such as Eriksson. So best not tell them that the third favourite is one Ged Houllier, who is currently locked in a Je T'Aime ... Moi Non Plus relationship with Lyon. Odds on Houllier washing up at Newcastle plummeted from 25-1 to 7-1 today. Sensibly, bookies are not taking bets on him becoming the least popular Frenchman on Tyneside since Stephane Guivarc'h. Or Didier Domi. Or Laurent Charvet. Or Franck Dumas. Or Jean-Alain Boumsong.

The same Gérard Houllier that won more in his six years or so with LFC than Newcastle United have won in the last fifty ****ing years?

I know 'The Fiver' column is supposed to be funny, but it shouldn't mean they can get away with printing complete and utter bollocks.

**Big Dave** · 09-05-07, 06:40 PM

Originally posted by lfc4ever View Post

And if the prospect of seeing Shaun Wright-Phillips doing a guard of honour to the Rowdies while standing on a chair isn't reason enough to tune in tonight, you'll definitely want to see how far south the Terry chin drops when he, Fat Frank, Didier Drogba and Ashley Cole are forced to generously applaud Chris Eagles, Tomasz Kuszczak, Kieran Richardson and a tea-lady on their first outings from the DevilBowl in several years. Sir Fergie is resting several senior players ahead of the FA Cup final, see. So here's hoping that Chelsea players return the favour by jogging back to the dressing room once the pre-match formalities are done with tonight, leaving the 11 young mascots who accompanied them down the tunnel to play the game.

Like this bit

**Maestro** · 09-05-07, 07:25 PM

Originally posted by ShaggyAlonso View Post

The same Gérard Houllier that won more in his six years or so with LFC than Newcastle United have won in the last fifty ****ing years?

I know 'The Fiver' column is supposed to be funny, but it shouldn't mean they can get away with printing complete and utter bollocks.

Shaggy, The Fiver's whole raison d'être is to get people's backs up.
Your bile is their oxygen.

Rise above.

**Shaggy** · 09-05-07, 07:31 PM

Hmmph.

It strikes me as a pretty pitiful and pointless raison d'être, though. It's seldom funny - just bollocks.

**Maestro** · 09-05-07, 07:36 PM

Originally posted by ShaggyAlonso View Post

Hmmph.

It strikes me as a pretty pitiful and pointless raison d'être, though. It's seldom funny - just bollocks.

I beg to differ - it is often hilarious....once you accept their consistency in taking the piss out of everyone.
I read it every day.
The letters are often the best.

**lfc4ever** · 10-05-07, 05:30 PM

The Fiver online

Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fat Freddy Shepherd, and Rancid Lasagne

Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle
Thursday May 10, 2007
Guardian Unlimited

FREDDY'S NIGHTMARE

Back in February 2005, when Michael Owen was picking splinters out of his XXXXXXS-sized shorts on the Madrid bench, an acquaintance of the Fiver asked him about the rumours linking him with Newcastle. Owen's response? A gale of laughter that suggested he wouldn't sign for the Magpies if they were the last team on earth. Six months later, having been rejected by Liverpool, the Rowdies, The Fiver's five-a-side team and Jossy's Giants Second XI, Owen decided to go to St James' Park after all - where, famously, he was greeted by 50,000 unemployed Geordies and Sky Sports News host Jim "You've done so much in football but this must be one of your proudest moments" White.

Now, 20 months and just 13 Premiership matches later, Owen - according to reports in tomorrow's fish 'n' chip paper - desperately wants out of Toon. "But he has a four-year contract!" the Fiver hears you cry. Indeed he does. But he also has a £9m get-out clause, which would allow him to leave for £7m less than brilliant businessman Fat Freddy Shepherd paid for him. No wonder, then, that the Newcastle chairman is - like that time he was Jacuzziing in a Marbella knocking shop - playing hardball.

"Michael has two choices: he can come out and tell our fans that he is happy here. Or I tell him none of the big four are interested. Because that's the case," gruffed Fat Freddy today. And before the Fiver could point out that was just one choice, Freddy was off again. "These suggestions will not impress our fans after what has happened in the last couple of years!" he continued, alluding - no doubt - to the failures of Graeme Souness and Glenn Roeder, both appointed by Mr F Shepherd, Newcastle.

Owen's agent was unavailable for comment, but Shepherd is clear where the reports have come from. "[This] was a very thinly-disguised attempt to flog Owen from under our feet, sourced very close to the player or those who look after him," he thundered, his chins quivering while the rest of his face turned an ugly mix of black and white. "The loyalty this club has shown him, when he had injury problems in his first season and had missed virtually all of this season, deserves something in return. No one, least of all one of the biggest clubs, is likely to take a risk at this stage." Maybe. Maybe not. But if he is available for £9m, what's the betting Freddy has got it wrong again?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I have always looked up to Joe Cole, ever since I was a youngster" - MU Rowdies midfielder Chris Eagles makes several residents of Fiver Towers feel very, very old.

*********************

STRIKING BELOW THE BELT

One of the good things about Tottenham's poxy start to the season is that it means we won't have to spend the whole summer listening to their fans wail that their absence from Big Cup is entirely down to rancid lasagne. One of the other good things is that it's prevented the club from raising its profile, a development which could have paved the way for celebrity fans such as Bryan Adams, Emma Bunton and - yikes! - Phil Collins to piggyback their way back to prominence. But the best thing, of course, is that it makes tonight's Premiership tussle between Tottenham and Blackeye Rovers a Euro Vase qualification decider. All together now: ooooooooooooooooooooooh!

A Spurs victory would guarantee their fans the possibility of being attacked by Spanish police next season, while Blackeye need to win both at White Hart Lane tonight and at home to Reading on Saturday to offer their supporters a similar privilege. What's more, goals are likely: Spurs may have been about as penetrative as a rubber eunuch at the start of the campaign but they've improved since then, and when relegating Charlton last Monday, hit their 101st goal of the season, breaking the century mark for the first time in 20 years. What's more, they remain dodgy at the back, which is where Blackeye's David Bentley, Morten Gamst Pedersen and Benni McCarthy could come in.

Rovers ringleader Mark Hughes has been rousing his rabble ahead of the game by claiming that McCarthy's been a much better buy than Spurs' talisman, Dimitar Berbatov. "Berbatov has had a great season but not as good as Benni's," inflamed Sparky. "Benni didn't cost anything like as much money [£2.5m compared to £10.9m] and has scored a lot more league goals. If you look at the list of Premiership goalscorers, he's third with 16 and Berbatov is way down with 10." Of course, if Hughes had been feeling particularly cruel, he could also have pointed out that he bought McCarthy from Porto, who, in 2003, had signed him for a mere £2.3m - a fraction of what Spurs had just paid the Portugeezers for ... Helder Postiga.

*********************

THE RUMOUR MILL

Unhappy with the paucity of players on their books who resemble Nick Nack from The Man With The Golden Gun, both Liverpool and Chelsea will attempt to buy Carlos Tevez from whoever it is owns him for £15m.

Depending on which tabloid you read, Aston Villa left-back Jlloyd Samuel is off to Bongo FC, West Ham, Bolton or Middlesbrough.

Beaky Werder Bremen goal-machine, Miroslav Klose, will soon be beaky Liverpool goal machine Miroslav Klose if Rafa Benitez gets his way.

And Craig Gordon is plotting his escape from FC Lithuania's Tynecastle asylum now word is out that Fulham want a replacement for Antti Niemi.

* * * * * * * * * *

STILL WANT MORE?

Via the wonders of Photoshop, Pepe Reina is transformed into Jesus Christ, Prince, The Godfather and a minor Hindu deity in The Gallery.

As every Arsenal (and Spurs and maybe even Real Zaragoza) fan will know, it's 12 years to the day since Nayim lobbed David Seaman with that goal. Relive it in with Classic Guardian.

In this week's Classic YouTube: Coe v Ovett, the magisterial pomp of Lothar Matthaus, When Mascots Attack ... and more.

After years of mismanagement the future's so bright for Honvéd, they've got to wear shades, writes Jonathan Wilson.

And in tomorrow's all-singing, all-dancing Berliner Big Paper: the best and worst albums and movies reviewed in our award-winning Film & Music section, Dan Roebuck and Kevin Pullein place their bets on the weekend's make-or-break football matches, and more guff about Tony Blair's decade in No10 than you can shake a copy of Warmongers' Weekly at.

* * * * * * * * * * *

NEWS IN BRIEF

Middlesbrough manager Gareth Southgate has confirmed he will be releasing strikers Malcolm Christie and Danny Graham at the end of next month. "I will be releasing strikers Malcolm Christie and Danny Graham at the end of next month," he said.

Roy Keane is to ask MU Rowdies boss Sir Fergie if he can keep loanees Jonny Evans and Danny Simpson on Wearside. "I have to say they are two top lads and it would be fantastic if we could get them next year," he blarneyed.

Bongo FC defender Bruno N'Gotty will hold talks with manager Bernard Cribbins and d1ldo-purveyor David Gold before deciding whether to stay at St Andrews for another season.

A website named MyFootballClub is asking 50,000 people to pay £35 in a bid to raise £1.75m to buy an existing club, with each member an equal partner who will get to vote on team selection and what players to sell. "I've created a vehicle that will pool fans' opinions, passion and wealth and turn fantasy football into reality," declared its Fulham-supporting creator Will Brooks, adjusting his incredibly thick spectacles. Nasty Leeds currently top the poll of prospective purchases, followed by Cambridge United and Accrington Stanley.

* * * * * * * * * *

FIVER LETTERS

Re: Jennifer Jones' appraisal of England's brave John Terry's ability to be strong, yet sensitive, powerful, yet passionate (yesterday's Fiver letters). Let's get one thing straight. This is not some Spanish warrior who battles by day and strums beautiful flamenco by night. This is a Lahndan geezah with a block for a head, and under such unfortunate cultural constraints, his tears make him nothing short of a woman ... and an extremely ugly one at that" - Mark Quinn.

"I really think that given England's brave JT's age and position as captain, he should be stoic and conduct himself in a more mature fashion. Also, Jenny and Johnny up a tree ..." - Ian Desmond.

"I can live with not winning the prize for best Fiver letter on Tuesday, but giving it to somebody with the same surname (Mark Richardson, Tuesday's Fiver letters) has left me fending off accusations of being the Mark to his Steve Waugh and, more cruelly, the Gary/Phil to his Tracey Neville" - Simon Richardson.

"Was I alone in being appalled at seeing the referees join in the guard of honour for the MU Rowdies reserves last night? Whether or not they favour certain teams could be debated endlessly, but they should at least make a decent fist of pretending to be impartial" - Ian Childs. If Ged gets the job at Newcastle (yesterdays Fiver), do you think The Fast Show will revive their character Houllier Geordio?" - Bappa Dasgupta.

"If Jorge Valdano is right about Liverpool fans' inability to distinguish between a sh1t on a stick and art, then it augurs well for the city's stint as European City of Culture next year, in particular when it comes to hosting the Turner Prize. Previous winners have included a cow in formaldehyde, a painting incorporating elephant dung on canvas and some lights going on and off every five seconds. Perhaps Liverpool's fans should be allowed to judge it?" - Johnny Short.

"Hi guys! Same time as usual for next week's podcast? Mmm ... crikey!" - James Richardson.

Send your letters to [email protected]. Today's winner of an album plucked at random from the mountain of CDs under which the Guardian Music desk is buried: James Richardson.

* * * * * * * * * * *

EMPTY PLATTERS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE - THEY MUST HAVE HAD TO DO SOME WORK

**Ketario** · 10-05-07, 08:10 PM

Glendenning and his crew are funny as hell, the min by min match reports are genius too.

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