Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
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Lord Stevens; and Divine Brown
Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle
Monday October 2, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
TALK IS CHEAP
Identifying bung-takers in football is like looking for little green men: everyone thinks they're out there, but proof is mighty tough to find. Back in March, however, former Met chief Lord Stevens was appointed to do just that - and he certainly talked the talk at the time. "I will personally overview the inquiry and ensure that it meets the highest standards of investigation!" he 'allo-'allo-'allo-what's-all-this-thened. "If there is evidence of wrongdoing it shall be highlighted." Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore was equally confident, promising: "We will get to the bottom of what is going on."
Or not. Today, after seven months, Lord Stevens published his interim report, which revealed that ... drum-roll ... he and his forensic accountancy group Quest needs more time. And, er, nothing else. According to Lord Stevens 39 of the 362 transfers he investigated between January 1, 2004 and January 31, 2006 need another two months' of investigation. "Quest, under my leadership, has managed to examine 362 transfers and reduced them down from that to 39," he proudly beamed. "They are within the English game and require further investigation before I am prepared to sign them off. These involve eight league teams."
There were no names, however, or tantalising hints of what might come in two months' time. Instead Stevens detailed what he had achieved so far. "We have set up a secure email network for informants to email Quest" he announced. "And we have held a number of meetings with informants!" 'Is there a bung culture in football?' he was asked. "I can't answer that - be patient," he told hacks who have been waiting seven months already. "This is not an easy inquiry but we will do everything in our powers to make sure it is a successful one." Seeing as those powers don't include the power to examine bank accounts of agents, managers, players or clubs, the Fiver doesn't hold out much hope.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He is a half decent-looking geezer. I am not feminine or g@y in any way but he is not ugly and a few birds like him" - Rio Ferdinand casts an appreciative eye over Crouchigol on Chris Moyles' Breakfast Show before endearing himself to half of Soho by calling the presenter "a f4ggot".
*********************
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
The Fiver likes Andy Johnson: his carpe diem attitude, the cut of his jib, the sort of decisiveness in the business area that we haven't been capable of since Weird Uncle Fiver showed us one home movie too many. But let's be honest: he's not actually that good, is he? He's a fine Premiership player and a pain for defenders, but he doesn't strain their brain - which is what you need at international level. At football's top table he will always be out of place - the funny-looking bald man with an egg-shaped head who was in that Losing My Religion video. So excuse us if we don't get too upset by the news that he's knacked his hammy and is out of England's upcoming Euro 2008 qualifiers. As damaging blows go, it's hardly in Divine Brown/Hugh Grant territory.
When he grows older Johnson is going to look like Larry David, but right now it's about time we all curbed our enthusiasm. In his big breakthrough season (sic) of 2004-05, 11 of his 21 Premiership goals were penalties. This season he has scored six goals in seven games, but two of those were heading for the River Mersey before taking deflections, and another was a Pepe Reina own-goal in all but name. And for such a supposedly cool finisher, he has alarmingly regular attacks of barn-door blindness. Infinitely superior strikers have struggled to make it with England in modern times - Fowler, Wright, Cole, Cottee, Ferdinand, Ricketts - so why should Johnson?
The same applies to Darren Bent, who has replaced Johnson for the games against Macedonia and Croatia. Still, that hasn't stopped Second Choice Steve from sticking to his - Say Nice Things About Everyone That Way You Get To Show Off Your New Spangly Teeth Unless It's Beckham In Which Case Couch A Blatant Criticism In A Smarmy Platitude - modus operandi. "It's a real blow because he's made a massive impact and I've been hugely impressed by him," said McClaren of the man he'd pencilled in for a 12-second cameo on Saturday. "We're fortunate that we are able to call Darren up. He's a player with excellent ability and a real goal threat." He certainly is - when he plays in the Premiership.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
England's fifth-choice right-winger, David Beckham, plans to shamelessly extend his playing career by joining New York Red Bulls.
Carlos Tevez's glittering career at West Ham will end when he heads off to sunny Valencia during the January transfer window.
The city of Portsmouth will have one less eyesore, when 'Arry and co leave Fratton Park and move to a mock-Tudor stadium on the outskirts of the city.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
David Pleat reckons Didier Zokora's dive was a blemish in an otherwise excellent showing against Portsmouth.
Engage in circular arguments to your heart's content on our Sport Blog.
In tomorrow's £0.70 Berliner Big Paper: Steve Claridge runs the rule over a rising star at Colchester and all the news and reaction from the Lord Stevens inquiry.
Oh ... and the merits of German bongo over its French equivalent, among other topics, are discussed in this week's Football Weekly podcast. It'll be up here shortly, unless today's Fiver is particularly late, in which case it's probably there already.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Wales will be one hairy-chested flying winger short when they take on Slovakia in their Euro 2008 qualifier this weekend. Ryan Giggs has been ruled out with hamstring knack.
In a managerial dispatch that Doug Ellis would have been proud of, Nestor Clausen resigned as coach of joint Swiss league leaders FC Sion at half-time on Sunday. Sion went on to win 3-1.
Merseyside bizzies have been in contact with the FA after loveable scamp Joey Barton exposed his backside to thousands of mildly aroused Everton fans.
And Colo Colo's 2-1 Chilean league win at Huachipato ended in ugly scenes over the weekend when one of their players, Alvaro Ormeno, argued with the stretcher-bearer carrying him off the pitch and was thrown on to the ground. Coach Claudio Borghi led Colo Colo protests from the bench, earning himself a red card in the process, before lashing out at a nearby cameraman.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"It's funny that West Ham fans like Mike Craddock (Friday's Fiver letters) consider themselves 'passionate'. Having been to Upton Park as a neutral they seem to spend most of the time whingeing and abusing the players, punctuated by an occasional 'stand up if you hate Tottenham'. And that's when they're winning. If that's passion, the daughters of Palermo were safe enough" - Stephen Hull.
"Your report of West Ham's fans in Palermo was a disgrace. I was in that square throughout and we were not at fault in any way. Trapped by those animals, we just defended ourselves and waited for the police to step in. Instead, they just watched while we were bombarded by anything that came to hand, and only attacked us when we were getting the upper hand" - Michael Davies.
"Gil Ben Mori's 'paved a parking lot, put up a paradise' comment (Friday's Fiver letters) was bordering on genius. Who did he steal it from?" - David B.
"Why would they pave a parking lot that is already paved in the first place? Especially when they want to lay a football pitch on top of it!" - Rob Metcalf.
"Have Liverpool chosen to build their new stadium on a car park in the hope that Stevie Me's usual stadium-clearing shanked 'passes' continue to find their traditional destination? What a fantastic example of taking the mountain to Mohammed" - Andy Christie.
Send your letters to [email protected]. The best one each day will win a random bit of tat from our Free Stuff cupboard, which might be good or might be complete rubbish. And because only about one in five Fiver Letters winners bothers to claim their prize, from now on you've got 24 hours to do so or else you get nowt. Today's winner: Andy Christie.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
BE STILL MY THROBBING HEAD. FLAMIN' GOODISONS!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Lord Stevens; and Divine Brown
Sean Ingle and Paul Doyle
Monday October 2, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
TALK IS CHEAP
Identifying bung-takers in football is like looking for little green men: everyone thinks they're out there, but proof is mighty tough to find. Back in March, however, former Met chief Lord Stevens was appointed to do just that - and he certainly talked the talk at the time. "I will personally overview the inquiry and ensure that it meets the highest standards of investigation!" he 'allo-'allo-'allo-what's-all-this-thened. "If there is evidence of wrongdoing it shall be highlighted." Premier League chief executive Richard Scudamore was equally confident, promising: "We will get to the bottom of what is going on."
Or not. Today, after seven months, Lord Stevens published his interim report, which revealed that ... drum-roll ... he and his forensic accountancy group Quest needs more time. And, er, nothing else. According to Lord Stevens 39 of the 362 transfers he investigated between January 1, 2004 and January 31, 2006 need another two months' of investigation. "Quest, under my leadership, has managed to examine 362 transfers and reduced them down from that to 39," he proudly beamed. "They are within the English game and require further investigation before I am prepared to sign them off. These involve eight league teams."
There were no names, however, or tantalising hints of what might come in two months' time. Instead Stevens detailed what he had achieved so far. "We have set up a secure email network for informants to email Quest" he announced. "And we have held a number of meetings with informants!" 'Is there a bung culture in football?' he was asked. "I can't answer that - be patient," he told hacks who have been waiting seven months already. "This is not an easy inquiry but we will do everything in our powers to make sure it is a successful one." Seeing as those powers don't include the power to examine bank accounts of agents, managers, players or clubs, the Fiver doesn't hold out much hope.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"He is a half decent-looking geezer. I am not feminine or g@y in any way but he is not ugly and a few birds like him" - Rio Ferdinand casts an appreciative eye over Crouchigol on Chris Moyles' Breakfast Show before endearing himself to half of Soho by calling the presenter "a f4ggot".
*********************
CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM
The Fiver likes Andy Johnson: his carpe diem attitude, the cut of his jib, the sort of decisiveness in the business area that we haven't been capable of since Weird Uncle Fiver showed us one home movie too many. But let's be honest: he's not actually that good, is he? He's a fine Premiership player and a pain for defenders, but he doesn't strain their brain - which is what you need at international level. At football's top table he will always be out of place - the funny-looking bald man with an egg-shaped head who was in that Losing My Religion video. So excuse us if we don't get too upset by the news that he's knacked his hammy and is out of England's upcoming Euro 2008 qualifiers. As damaging blows go, it's hardly in Divine Brown/Hugh Grant territory.
When he grows older Johnson is going to look like Larry David, but right now it's about time we all curbed our enthusiasm. In his big breakthrough season (sic) of 2004-05, 11 of his 21 Premiership goals were penalties. This season he has scored six goals in seven games, but two of those were heading for the River Mersey before taking deflections, and another was a Pepe Reina own-goal in all but name. And for such a supposedly cool finisher, he has alarmingly regular attacks of barn-door blindness. Infinitely superior strikers have struggled to make it with England in modern times - Fowler, Wright, Cole, Cottee, Ferdinand, Ricketts - so why should Johnson?
The same applies to Darren Bent, who has replaced Johnson for the games against Macedonia and Croatia. Still, that hasn't stopped Second Choice Steve from sticking to his - Say Nice Things About Everyone That Way You Get To Show Off Your New Spangly Teeth Unless It's Beckham In Which Case Couch A Blatant Criticism In A Smarmy Platitude - modus operandi. "It's a real blow because he's made a massive impact and I've been hugely impressed by him," said McClaren of the man he'd pencilled in for a 12-second cameo on Saturday. "We're fortunate that we are able to call Darren up. He's a player with excellent ability and a real goal threat." He certainly is - when he plays in the Premiership.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
England's fifth-choice right-winger, David Beckham, plans to shamelessly extend his playing career by joining New York Red Bulls.
Carlos Tevez's glittering career at West Ham will end when he heads off to sunny Valencia during the January transfer window.
The city of Portsmouth will have one less eyesore, when 'Arry and co leave Fratton Park and move to a mock-Tudor stadium on the outskirts of the city.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
David Pleat reckons Didier Zokora's dive was a blemish in an otherwise excellent showing against Portsmouth.
Engage in circular arguments to your heart's content on our Sport Blog.
In tomorrow's £0.70 Berliner Big Paper: Steve Claridge runs the rule over a rising star at Colchester and all the news and reaction from the Lord Stevens inquiry.
Oh ... and the merits of German bongo over its French equivalent, among other topics, are discussed in this week's Football Weekly podcast. It'll be up here shortly, unless today's Fiver is particularly late, in which case it's probably there already.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Wales will be one hairy-chested flying winger short when they take on Slovakia in their Euro 2008 qualifier this weekend. Ryan Giggs has been ruled out with hamstring knack.
In a managerial dispatch that Doug Ellis would have been proud of, Nestor Clausen resigned as coach of joint Swiss league leaders FC Sion at half-time on Sunday. Sion went on to win 3-1.
Merseyside bizzies have been in contact with the FA after loveable scamp Joey Barton exposed his backside to thousands of mildly aroused Everton fans.
And Colo Colo's 2-1 Chilean league win at Huachipato ended in ugly scenes over the weekend when one of their players, Alvaro Ormeno, argued with the stretcher-bearer carrying him off the pitch and was thrown on to the ground. Coach Claudio Borghi led Colo Colo protests from the bench, earning himself a red card in the process, before lashing out at a nearby cameraman.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"It's funny that West Ham fans like Mike Craddock (Friday's Fiver letters) consider themselves 'passionate'. Having been to Upton Park as a neutral they seem to spend most of the time whingeing and abusing the players, punctuated by an occasional 'stand up if you hate Tottenham'. And that's when they're winning. If that's passion, the daughters of Palermo were safe enough" - Stephen Hull.
"Your report of West Ham's fans in Palermo was a disgrace. I was in that square throughout and we were not at fault in any way. Trapped by those animals, we just defended ourselves and waited for the police to step in. Instead, they just watched while we were bombarded by anything that came to hand, and only attacked us when we were getting the upper hand" - Michael Davies.
"Gil Ben Mori's 'paved a parking lot, put up a paradise' comment (Friday's Fiver letters) was bordering on genius. Who did he steal it from?" - David B.
"Why would they pave a parking lot that is already paved in the first place? Especially when they want to lay a football pitch on top of it!" - Rob Metcalf.
"Have Liverpool chosen to build their new stadium on a car park in the hope that Stevie Me's usual stadium-clearing shanked 'passes' continue to find their traditional destination? What a fantastic example of taking the mountain to Mohammed" - Andy Christie.
Send your letters to [email protected]. The best one each day will win a random bit of tat from our Free Stuff cupboard, which might be good or might be complete rubbish. And because only about one in five Fiver Letters winners bothers to claim their prize, from now on you've got 24 hours to do so or else you get nowt. Today's winner: Andy Christie.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
BE STILL MY THROBBING HEAD. FLAMIN' GOODISONS!
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