View Full Version : 99 Essex Girl jokes

22-08-06, 11:15 AM
Some shit, some fantastic - enjoy.

1.What is the difference between a walrus and an Essex girl? One is wet, has a moustache and smells of fish - the other is a walrus!
2.What's the difference between an Essex man & an Essex girl? The Essex girl has a higher sperm count!
3.What does an Essex girl say after having sex? What team do you guys play for?
4.What's the difference between Gorbachev and an Essex girl? Gorby knows the names of the eight people that f***ed him!
5.What do Essex girls use for protection during sex? Bus shelters.
6.How does an Essex girl turn the light out after sex? She shuts the Cortina's door.
7.How do you make an Essex girl's eyes sparkle? Shine a torch into her ear.
8.How can you tell if an Essex girl is having a bad day? Her tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil.
9.Why does an Essex girl wear knickers? To keep her ankles warm.
10.What's the difference between an Essex girl and an ironing board? Occasionally you have trouble getting the legs apart on an ironing board.
11. Whats the difference between an Essex girl and the titanic? You know how many men went down on the titanic.
12.What is the difference between a supermarket trolley and an Essex girl? A supermarket trolley has a mind of its own.
13.Why is an Essex girl like an old washing machine? They both drip when f***ed.
14.Why do Essex girls use tampons with long strings? So the crabs can go bungy jumping
15.How do you know when an Essex girl has had an orgasm? She drops her bag of chips.
16.What did an Essex girl and President Gorbachev have in common? They both got f***ed by eight men while on holiday.
17.How many Essex girls does it take to make a chocolate chip cookie? Five, one to stir the mixture and four to peel the smarties.
18.What's the similarity between an Essex girl and a dog's turd? The older they get, the easier they are to pick up!
19.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a washing machine? You can dump your load in a washing machine without it following you around whining for a week.
20.Why are Essex girls only allowed 30-minute lunch breaks? It takes too long to retrain them if they take an hour.
21.What's the similarity between Essex girls and carpenters? They both have saws in their boxes
22.What did the Essex girl say after the doctor told her she was pregnant? Is it mine?
23.Why was the Essex girl so pleased to complete a jigsaw puzzle in 18 months? Because it said on the box "From 2 to 5 years".
24.How do you make an Essex girl laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on a Wednesday.
25.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a fridge? A fridge doesn't fart when you take your meat out.
26.When does an Essex girl drool? When she's full.
27.How do you tell when an Essex girl is having her period? She's only wearing one Sock.
28.What does the label in an Essex girl's knickers say? NEXT!
29.What's the similarity between Robert Maxwell and Essex girls? They both go down in Tenerife.
30.Why do Essex girls wear green lipstick? Red means stop.
31.Why is it good to have an Essex girl passenger? You can park in the handicapped spaces.
32.Why do Essex girls wear so much hair spray? So they can catch some of the things going straight over their heads.
33.Why do Essex girls wear hoop earrings? So they'll have someplace to rest their ankles.
34.If an Essex girl and a Surrey girl jump out of an airplane at the same time, which one would hit the ground first? The surrey girl, the Essex girl would have to stop to ask directions.
35.What is the difference between Bigfoot and an intelligent Essex girl? There have actually been sightings of Bigfoot.
36.What does it mean if you see an Essex girl with square boobs? She forgot to take the Kleenex out of the box.
37.Why do Essex girls like tilt steering wheels? More head room.
38.What do you call 6 Essex girls in a row? A wind tunnel.
39.What do you call a Surrey girl between 2 Essex girls? An Interpreter.
40.What's the first thing an Essex girl does in the morning? Goes home.
41.What's the mating call of an Essex girl? Gosh, I'm so drunk.
42.What's the mating call of a Surrey girl? Are all the Essex girls gone?
43.What do Essex girls and computers have in common? You don't know what you are missing until they go down on you.
44.What is the difference between an Essex girl and a cream egg? It costs 25p to lick out a cream egg.
45.Why is an Essex girl like a beer bottle? They're both empty from the neck up.
46.What do you call an Essex girl with half a brain? Gifted.
47.Why do Essex girls have to work 7 days a week? So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
48.What do you say to an Essex girl who wont give in? Have another drink.
49.What's an Essex girls favourite wine? I want to go to Lakeside
50.What do you call an Essex girl with a pound coin on the top of her head? All you can eat, under a quid.
51.Why do Essex girls wash their hair in the sink? That's where you wash vegetables.
52.How do you get an Essex girl to marry you? Tell her she's pregnant.
53.Why did the Essex girl climb over the glass wall? To see what was on the other side.
54.What do you see when you peer into an Essex girls eyes? The back of her head.
55.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a Porsche? You don't lend the Porsche out to your friends.
56.What do you do if an Essex girl throws a grenade at you? Catch it, pull out the pin and throw it back.
57.Why did the Essex girl stop using the pill? It kept falling out.
58.Why don't Essex girls use vibrators? They chip their teeth.
59.Why do Essex girls have trouble reaching orgasm? Who cares?
60.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a limousine? Not everyone has been in a limousine.
61.How does an Essex girl interpret 6.9? 69 interrupted by a period.
62.How do you brainwash an Essex girl? Give her a douche and shake her upside-down.
63.What do you call 15 Essex girls in a ring? A dope ring.
64.Why did the Essex girl go halfway to Norway then turn round & come home? It took her that long to figure out a 14 inch Viking was a TV set.
65.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a terrorist? You can negotiate with a terrorist.
66.What is the worst thing about having sex with an Essex girl? The bucket seats.
67.What do Essex girls do for foreplay? Remove their underwear.
68.What did the Essex girl name her pet zebra? Spot.
69.Why did the Essex girl drown? Someone stuck a scratch & sniff at the bottom of the pool.
70.What do you call a fly buzzing around an Essex girl's head? A space invader.
71.Why did the Essex girl have a bruised navel? Her boyfriend's from Essex too.
72.Why did God create Essex girls? Because sheep can't fetch beer from the fridge.
73.How do you amuse an Essex girl for hours? Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
74.How can you tell if an Essex girl has been in your fridge? By the lipstick on your cucumbers.
75.How do you know which computer an Essex girl was using? By the tippex on the screen.
76.What did the Essex girl customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag)? "'Debbie'.... That,s cute, what did you name the other one?".
77.Why is an Essex girl like a doorknob? Because everybody gets a turn.
78.Why is an Essex girl like railway tracks? Because she's been laid all over the country.
79.What's the difference between an Essex girl and a phone booth? You need 10p to use the phone.
80.How does an Essex girl commit suicide? She gathers all her clothes into a pile, and jumps off.
81.How do Essex girl brain cells die? Alone.
82.Why didn't the Essex girl want a window seat on the plane? She'd just blow dried her hair and didn't want it blown around too much.
83.Why do Essex girl prefer cars with sunroofs? More leg room.
84.Why do Essex girls have orgasms? So they know when to stop having sex.
85.What did the Essex girl's mum say to her before her date? "If you're
not in bed by 12, come home".
86.Why don't Essex girls breast-feed their babies? Because it's too painful to boil the nipples.
87.Why are Essex girls like Cornflakes? Because they're simple, easy and taste good.
88.Where do Essex girls go to meet their relatives? The vegetable patch.
89.Why was the Essex girl disappointed when she received her driver's license? Because she got an F in sex.
90.How did the Essex girl break her leg raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.
91.What do you call an Essex girl behind a steering wheel? An air bag.
92.Why don't Essex girls have elevator jobs? They can't remember the route.
93.How do you change an Essex girl's mind? Blow in her ear.
94.What can strike an Essex girl without her even knowing it? A thought.
95.What do you call a basement full of Essex girls? A whine cellar.
96.What do you call an Essex girl skeleton in the closet? Last years hide-and-seek champ.
97.What do you call an Essex girl with 2 brain cells? Pregnant.
98.What do you call an Essex girl between 2 Surrey girls? A mental block.
99.How do you confuse an Essex girl? You don't, they're born that way.

22-08-06, 12:21 PM
where's essex?