Crap Jokes

[Stanbull]

Yoko Ono has just signed up for the next series of "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"

Show bosses think she will do really well as she has been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years

[Norbs]

A woman is told she has only 24 hrs to live.
She tells her hubby & asks if they can make love one last time. Crying & upset he agrees & they have mind blowing sex.
After 12 hrs she asks again & he gives her the best oral she has ever had. With only 4 hrs left to live she begs for one last go."**** OFF" he said. "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING..YOU DON'T!!

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My girlfriend told me I was a lying ******* today

















........So I slapped her with my 16 inch cock

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What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see anything with all this **** in here

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My missus says she keeps dreaming about being abducted by aliens.

Hope she doesn't realise it's me who's been anal probing her when she's asleep.
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Cheap food for the freezer. That's why Mum's go to Iceland.

Cheap young sluts who do anything in bed. That's why Dad's go to Thailand.
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My youngest brother asked where the clitoris was, back or front?
So, I explained how it's different for every girl but generally in the frontal area.
He looked disappointed.
So naturally, I asked, "what's wrong".
He said: "I think I've been sucking on my girlfriend's hemorrhoid for months".
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[Norbs]

I got a new deodorant stick today, the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

... I can hardly walk but when i fart the room smells lovely!!

[Reaper]

Dear Santa,

Could you please send lots of warm clothes for all the children on Reeces computer?

Thank you.

[pezzzer]

Dear Santa,

Could you please send lots of warm clothes for all the children on Reeces computer?

Thank you.

[Reaper]

BBC News: Lady Gaga dropping Facebook for charity.

She should also think about dropping her knickers, for clarity.

[BJC]

rape, cancer, aids... #frankieboylejokes

[Reaper]

Bloke tip: Watch anal sex on your iPhone whilst having a poo. The smell makes it more authentic.

[Norbs]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"

Oh dear. My dad sells blinds, I followed him in to the family business so have been around them all my life. That joke is told by every ****ing single customer or person. I'm just glad I'm not a nun

[wavydavy]

My mate used to fix tellys. The telly man customer joke is: after you've fixed telly and put the back back on customer says to him "did you find any dead cowboys and indians in there?". My mate reckons he heared it virtually every day of his telly-fixing life.

[Norbs]

My mate used to fix tellys. The telly man customer joke is: after you've fixed telly and put the back back on customer says to him "did you find any dead cowboys and indians in there?". My mate reckons he heared it virtually every day of his telly-fixing life.

Proper 70s joke that is

I'm glad I'm not a bear catcher

[Liverpel]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pxx2meAQME8&feature=sub"]YouTube - Excitement Growing Among Beatles Fans For Paul McCartney's Funeral[/ame]

[the rev leeroy brown]

kids can be so sweet cant they? this morning my little girl asked "do you think santa will be able to find me this year to give me my presents?" i looked down at her, smiled and told her "if the portuguese and british police forces cant find you i dont fancy his chances much!"

[Subby]

Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita

[Reaper]

I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

The cruel cunt didn't even flinch when it was killed.




Too ****in busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.