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-   -   Crap Jokes (https://www.est1892.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=53677)

Debsju 01-05-13 03:21 PM

What do you get if you get nuts on a monkey ???

Monkey nuts



What do you get if you get nuts on a wall ???

Wall nuts


What do you get if you get nuts on your chest ???

Chestnuts



What do you get if you get nuts on your chin ????

A gob full of cock

Boogs 02-05-13 09:01 PM

All Ken Barlow did was take a 15year old Escort to Kevin Webster's garage for a touch up...

MrsB 03-05-13 08:51 AM

To all those who don't think rape jokes are a problem

Blind Melon 03-05-13 09:23 AM

Bill Roach, Jim Davidson, Rolf Harris, Stuart Hall, Freddie Starr. You've got to admit that the prison panto is looking good this year...

frank the tank 03-05-13 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kev776 (Post 2623422)
A redneck with a bucket full of live fish, was approached recently by a game warden in Texas as he started to drive his boat away from a lake.

The game warden asked the man, "May I see your fishing license please?" "Naw, sir," replied the redneck. "I don't need none of them there papers. These here are my pet fish."

"Pet fish!?!?"

"Yep. Once a week, I bring these here fish o'mine down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then when I whistle, they swim right back into my net and I take 'em home."

"What a line of baloney....you're under arrest."

The redneck said, "It's the truth, Mr. Gov'ment man. I'll show ya!

We do this all the time!!"

"WE do, now, do WE?" smirked the warden. "PROVE it!"

The redneck released the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After a few minutes, the warden said, "Well?"

"Well, WHUT?" said the redneck.

The warden asked, "When are you going to call em back?"

"Call who back?"

"The FISH," replied the warden!
"
Whut fish?




What is long, hard and a bit shitty at the end......................




















































One of kev776's jokes! :crackoff:

Tee 03-05-13 12:42 PM

:haha:

kev776 03-05-13 03:10 PM

:eyebrow:

Very well, I have retired.

Tee 03-05-13 03:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kev776 (Post 2638477)
:eyebrow:

Very well, I have retired.

No you haven't.... well no you better not! :haha:

Frenchie 03-05-13 08:38 PM

Maybe Gary Glitter did have a gang back then...

Leyton388 04-05-13 09:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Frenchie (Post 2638645)
Maybe Gary Glitter did have a gang back then...

:sigh::haha:

SK 05-05-13 09:33 AM


Aj34 05-05-13 10:28 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SlovenianKopite (Post 2639272)

I found myself laughing at that. Not sure I'm supposed to

ChesterDave 05-05-13 11:33 AM

Cant see any humour in it to be honest. Not because I think it is poor taste or insensitive. I just don't see any humour there.

tufty 05-05-13 11:47 AM

woman staggers into a police station battered and bleeding

" I've been graped " she sobs

" don't you mean raped ? "

" No, there was a bunch of them !! "

Tee 05-05-13 03:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ChesterDave (Post 2639331)
Cant see any humour in it to be honest. Not because I think it is poor taste or insensitive. I just don't see any humour there.

:handshake:

baitman 05-05-13 10:01 PM

the worst letter i ever wrote...
 
The worst letter I ever wrote.....

Dear Jim,
Can you fix it for me to go on "Its a knockout"?

kev776 06-05-13 11:53 AM

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."

Aj34 06-05-13 07:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kev776 (Post 2639987)
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
"Morris Feinberg," he replied.
"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"
"For about 60 years."
"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"
"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims."
"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."
"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."
"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests.."
"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a fucking brick wall."

Brilliant

kev776 07-05-13 10:45 AM

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured
by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims,
"So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger" .
"In honor of the Harvest Festival,

YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests"
"What is your FIRST request ???'
The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought
before the Lone Ranger who whispers in
Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with
a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches,
the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent
and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits
he's impressed..
"You have a very fine and loyal horse",
"But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak
to his horse.
Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise,
Silver again returns, this time with a
voluptuous brunette, more attractive
than the blonde.

She enters the Lone Rangers tent
and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief
is again impressed.
"You are indeed a man of many talents,"
"But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???"

The Lone Ranger responds,
"I'd like to speak to my horse, .... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees,
and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears,

Looks him square in the eye and says,

Listen You cloth-eared fucking glue factory !!!!

FOR... THE... LAST... TIME...
I SAID ...
"BRING POSSE"

Steve001 08-05-13 05:50 PM

First Thatcher dies, Next Fergie retires.... Somewhere out there is a Scouser with a lamp and only 1 wish left !

Kloppster 09-05-13 12:25 PM

"Give it to me, Give it to me !" , she yelled.



"I'm so fucking wet, give it to me Now!" she cried.



Scream all she wants........ I'm keeping the fucking umbrella

Gray 09-05-13 01:22 PM

The news about Tarby surprised me. I didn't even realize he was a comedian.

Gray 09-05-13 01:22 PM

I've just been into the loft and found a 1979 copy of the TV times, or as it's now known - the sex offenders register.

tufty 09-05-13 01:45 PM

Fella goes into the doctors

"Whats up with you then"

"Well doctor, its a bit embarrassing but every time I break wind my arse shouts out 'Honda' "

"thats strange" said the doctor, "can you show me"

the fella agrees, bends over and proceeds to push a bit and sure enough after a few seconds he breaks wind " HONDA "

" wow says the doctor, never seen this before. When did it start ? "

" it was shortly after I got this boil on my arse "

" a boil you say "

" Yes doc, why "


" I think I know what it is ...... Abscess makes the fart go honda "

Daffy Duck 09-05-13 02:20 PM

That's awful :D:haha:

Tee 09-05-13 03:24 PM

FFS Tufty. :haha: :haha:

Kenneth 09-05-13 03:41 PM

Unbelievably shit. :haha:

tufty 09-05-13 03:47 PM

I aim to please

:D

G 09-05-13 03:57 PM

I liked it so much I nicked it:D

Jaymo 09-05-13 07:09 PM

Although hes scored 25 goals for Manchester United this season so far, Robin van Persie is only 5th in the list of Manchester's most dangers attackers behind Ken Barlow, Kevin Webster, Stuart Hall and Fred Talbot.

baitman 09-05-13 09:41 PM

:haha: and nicked :clap:

Angryred 14-05-13 01:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boogar (Post 2637677)
All Ken Barlow did was take a 15year old Escort to Kevin Webster's garage for a touch up...

That wouldn't have been possible as Kevin had his hands full with a 10 year old Starlet!

tufty 15-05-13 10:56 AM

Following her double mastectomy, Angelina Jolie is to undergo a hysterectomy to further reduce her risk of developing health problems in the future

the doctor performing the op will be known as Womb Raider

baitman 15-05-13 02:15 PM

:haha:

Kloppster 16-05-13 09:13 AM

Terry's up to get the trophy I see. That's the quickest he's got his kit on since he heard Wayne Bridge's key in the lock."

Kloppster 06-06-13 04:24 PM

Dear Microsoft:

If you had called your search engine Bang instead of Bing, you'd have destroyed Google.

What would you rather say? "I just Googled Shania Twain" or "I just Banged Shania Twain".

Kloppster 06-06-13 07:55 PM

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.

tufty 06-06-13 08:33 PM

yep, I had to go back and read it again :)

Scratch 06-06-13 08:46 PM

I had to read it twice, and even then I missed it!

Camble 06-06-13 08:53 PM

Haha as did I :)


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