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Old 08-08-14, 12:21 PM   #2441
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An American jockey is about to enter a race on a new horse in Ireland.
The horse's trainer an irishman meets him before the race and says, "All ya have ta remember wid dis horse is dat every time ye approach a jump, ye have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear, Providing ye do dat, you'll be grand."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.
The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle.
The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers "Aleeee ooop" in the horse's ear.
The same thing happens - the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly.
Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This
continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong?.
The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this bloody horse, What is he fucking-deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf? Deaf?! He's not deaf, He's fecking blind!"
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Old 08-08-14, 12:27 PM   #2442
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Old 08-08-14, 02:07 PM   #2443
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Oscar Pistorious has sacked his legal team and replaced them with Celtics lawyers. He heard they lost both legs and still won their case
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Old 08-08-14, 02:36 PM   #2444
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Very Good.
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Old 24-08-14, 08:09 AM   #2445
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slinky Skills View Post
How does a Paedophile find a child in the woods?


Quite satisfying.

Slinky.....your jokes are the same as your wanks......dont last very long and you're the only one that enjoys them...
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Old 25-08-14, 09:39 AM   #2446
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Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle.
He doesn't have much luck, until one day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.
The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.
It's shiny and in absolute mint condition.
He immediately buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
'Well, it's quite simple really,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike
is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.
It protects it from the rain.' (true)
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.
But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'
'When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'
'No problem,' he says.. And in they go.
Joe is shocked.
Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.
In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks.
Dirty dishes.
They sit down to dinner, and sure enough, no one says a word.
As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.
So he leans over and kisses Sandra.
No one says a word.
So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.
Still, nobody says a word.
So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
table and screws her, right there in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid and
her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
He looks at her mom.
'She's got a great body,' he thinks.
So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, pulls down her panties, and screws her every which way but loose right there on the dinner table.
After she has a big orgasm, he sits down again.
Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, the Mom is
pleasantly beaming.
But still.... Total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the fuckin dishes..!!
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Old 25-08-14, 12:22 PM   #2447
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Quote:
Originally Posted by frank the tank View Post
Slinky.....your jokes are the same as your wanks......dont last very long and you're the only one that enjoys them...


Quote:
Originally Posted by kev776 View Post
Suddenly the father shouted.
I'll do the fuckin dishes..!!
a classic
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Old 11-09-14, 02:01 PM   #2448
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Oscar Pistorius cleared of 1st and 2nd degree murder, f**k me I'm stumped!
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Old 18-09-14, 08:20 PM   #2449
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The man who invented the anagram has died, may he "erect a penis"
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Old 19-09-14, 03:17 PM   #2450
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What did one tampon say to the other tampon?

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Old 21-09-14, 11:18 AM   #2451
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A man runs over a woman.....who's fault is it?

The man's. He shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
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Old 21-09-14, 08:48 PM   #2452
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deleted - wrong thread
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I was playing doctors and nurses with my female cousin. I was about 6 or 7, and we were inserting little toy stuffs in our bum holes. Does it count as snogging?
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Old 23-09-14, 02:15 PM   #2453
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Bender View Post
A man runs over a woman.....who's fault is it?

The man's. He shouldn't be driving in the kitchen.
hahaha having that
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Old 09-10-14, 09:45 PM   #2454
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I guarantee you somewhere right now there's a pregnant Chav teenager that thinks Ebola would be a lovely name for their baby
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Old 10-10-14, 06:53 PM   #2455
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Originally Posted by kopster View Post
I guarantee you somewhere right now there's a pregnant Chav teenager that thinks Ebola would be a lovely name for their baby

Guaranteed. The old dear is a midwife and in the last few years has had to explain why Chlamydia and Chevron aren't the best names for a little'un.
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Old 10-10-14, 11:25 PM   #2456
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@troubledmozza: Girlfriend with Ebola
I know, I know it's serious.
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Old 12-10-14, 10:49 PM   #2457
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Last night there was an insect flying around the room, eventually after a few minutes it started flying straight towards my face suddenly it exploded right in front of me.

It was a Jihadi long legs.
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Old 12-10-14, 11:03 PM   #2458
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Poor / bad taste joke.
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Old 13-10-14, 09:39 AM   #2459
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A guy and his Thai bride were sat together eating some sweets out of a bag.

She picked one out, put in her mouth and said "These sweets are Haribo."

The guy said "Well don't eat them then."
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Old 13-10-14, 11:07 PM   #2460
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
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Old 13-10-14, 11:13 PM   #2461
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Quote:
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Met a beautiful girl at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new taser!
Spoken just like Charles Manson
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Old 14-10-14, 12:13 PM   #2462
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Reunion Lunch
A group of ex-servicemen, all aged 40, discussed where they should meet for a reunion lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.
.
Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.
Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet, and it was good value for money.
Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and had a toilet for the disabled.
Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at the local Wetherspoon's because they had never been there before.
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Old 15-10-14, 09:10 AM   #2463
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That's just sad
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Old 15-10-14, 10:52 AM   #2464
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Plus I'm not sure Wetherspoons is 40 years old.
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Old 17-10-14, 01:54 PM   #2465
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slinky Skills View Post
Last night there was an insect flying around the room, eventually after a few minutes it started flying straight towards my face suddenly it exploded right in front of me.

It was a Jihadi long legs.
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Old 21-10-14, 05:35 PM   #2466
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After I pulled this girl and took her home, I left her on the couch while I made some 'preparations':

"I'm sorry for keeping you" I said when I joined her.

"You've not been that long" she replied.

"You've misunderstood," I said, "I mean you're not leaving."
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Old 21-10-14, 05:36 PM   #2467
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What's big and tastes like penis?

My secretary's Christmas bonus.
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Old 21-10-14, 05:37 PM   #2468
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What can you jump over that's a hundred feet in the air?

A dead centipede.
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Old 21-10-14, 06:01 PM   #2469
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Stealing that for Facebook
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Old 25-10-14, 02:10 PM   #2470
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Old 31-10-14, 04:24 PM   #2471
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What do you call a fast zombie?


What do you call a snake that studies past events?
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Old 26-11-14, 05:32 PM   #2472
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Old 04-12-14, 07:02 AM   #2473
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Ejaculate.

How a Yorkshire man tells somebody they're running late.
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Old 12-12-14, 05:20 PM   #2474
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A scouser joins the Cisrercian order of monks who adhere to a struct vow of silence. Every seven years they are allowed to voice one thing to get it off their chests if they want to.

Seven years in at the breakfast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say,only the scouser raises his hand and asks if he could have an extra sugar in his tea

Fourteen years in at the breakfast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say, only the scouser raises his hand and asks if he could have warm milk on his cereal.

Twenty one years in at the breafast table the head monk asks if anyone has anything to say, only the scouser raises his hand and says "I don't think this is for me"

The head monk says " I agree, you have done nothing but moan since you got here"
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Old 13-12-14, 01:23 AM   #2475
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Police have arrested Sooty for sexually assaulting a minor in the late 70s.

Police have also arrested Matthew Corbett, they suspect he had a hand in it
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Old 13-12-14, 02:04 AM   #2476
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Old 15-12-14, 05:44 PM   #2477
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Nabbing that one lol
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Old 16-12-14, 09:50 AM   #2478
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't. She just walked in."
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Old 16-12-14, 10:21 AM   #2479
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Brilliant
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Old 16-12-14, 04:32 PM   #2480
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Went to the office party last night and got hammered.
When I woke up this morning and came downstairs for breakfast there was two sausages, two rashers of bacon, a fried egg, fried bread, baked beans and a sock on my plate.
I held it up and asked
'WHAT the fuck is that doing on my plate?
She replied.
You were really drunk when you got home.
You took your clothes off, climbed into bed, lay on your back and said,
'Can you cook my sock!'
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