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Old 07-02-07, 03:14 PM   #41
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Ive wasted virtually the whole day at work today reading this thread and the football365 one

Classic, absolute fcuking classic.
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Old 07-02-07, 03:47 PM   #42
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Ive wasted virtually the whole day at work today reading this thread and the football365 one

Classic, absolute fcuking classic.
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Old 07-02-07, 04:16 PM   #43
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this is absolute gold!!!

I have no idea who this Akabusi fella is...but its funny as fuck


AWOOOOOOOOOOGA.

cant wait to yell that out after ive finished servicing the missus
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Old 07-02-07, 04:25 PM   #44
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fucking funny - i have been crying with laughter reading these - there is a lad from our footie team who always shouts awooga - i have just sent them to him - he will fucking piss himself.
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Old 07-02-07, 04:44 PM   #45
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this is absolute gold!!!

I have no idea who this Akabusi fella is...but its funny as fuck


AWOOOOOOOOOOGA.

cant wait to yell that out after ive finished servicing the missus
Kris Akabusi was a 400m hurdler. A real "family fun" figure, a kind of typically gallant British loser. He improved loads though and won a few silvers and bronzes at major championships, including the Olympics when he trailed behind Samuel Mateté and Winthrop Graham, and was renowned for his wild, insane laugh. He also appeared to have a huge cock, Linford Christie style, as it flapped about very visibly inside his lycra shorts.

He was a real wholesome. effervescent sorta figure, so much so that he ended up as a kids TV presenter on CBBC, presenting 'Record Breakers'.

He's now a bit of an Alan Partridge type figure - an ailing minor celebrity.

It's one of the reasons I find all this so funny. He's an unlikely star of such sordid stories








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Old 07-02-07, 05:01 PM   #46
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that is lethal stuff! nearly pissed myself!
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Old 07-02-07, 06:31 PM   #47
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OK


Wasn't it John Fashanu who used the term "Awooga"?

Akabusi was too busy laughing all the time.
Yes it was Fashanu who used it.
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Old 07-02-07, 07:05 PM   #48
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Surely his head is more this size in real life, I think they photoshopped his publicity shots.
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Old 07-02-07, 07:10 PM   #49
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And this is the original, undoctored image. Now we know where the stories stem from.
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Old 07-02-07, 08:03 PM   #50
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And this is the original, undoctored image. Now we know where the stories stem from.
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Old 07-02-07, 10:36 PM   #51
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nice signature shaggy
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Old 07-02-07, 10:48 PM   #52
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Akabusi sat in the park throwing bits of sausage roll at a one legged pigeon as the winter sun beat down on his ebony dome like Ike on his first wife. He'd picked up two sausage rolls and a Steak Bake from Gregg's at the station and found a quiet spot in the park. The Steak Bake had given him serious heart burn which only a bottle of Tango could put out. He'd bought a bottle of Lilt instead. All in all it had been a sh*t day for Akabusi.

His accountant Harvey Goldenblum had called him earlier and confirmed that his £117,980 mansion in Brickhills had been repossessed by the National Lottery. Akabusi had become addicted to online scratchcards and things had got so bad he sold all his medals and naked pictures he had of Norris McWhirter. The ten quid he had got on eBay for the lot hadn’t made a big difference.

On the upside the cool air of the wind brushed against his expresso chassis like Rolf Harris on canvas. He felt his tremondous length growl like a waking tiger - it wanted feeding and he knew it only ate pussy. He popped his hand inside his grey dungerees and pinched the increasingly engorged helmut to quell it's mounting excitement. He brushed pastry flakes into a pile and then necked the lot of it. It made him feel good. Like a man again.

He made a little pooh behind a tree and headed over the road to the Palace.

Akabusi had been to Buckingham Palace before - he picked up some mickey mouse MBE back in the day. He hadn't disgraced himself and poor old dead Diana had welcomed a fanny patting. Today Akabusi and Roger Black were receiving a little badge to thank them for not killing any spastics on a outward bound trip to the Brecon Beacons. The Palace didn't know that a little window slurper had fallen off a cliff and Akabusi and Black had buried the body in a shallow grave. Hopefully feral cats and foxes would do the rest.

Akabusi mingled with the crowds of Lords, Ladies and f**king Tanni Gray Thompson. Tanni managed to get invited to all these things and the Palace had excellent access due to the Queen Mother. Akabusi didn't need any encouragement from Jim Davidson, who was receiving a knighthood for services to race relations, and pushed Tanni into a broom cupboard and jammed the door. Hopefully the feral cats and foxes would do the rest.

The Queen appeared. Akabusi couldn't help but feel a sudden rush of blood and cum rush into his empty brown wheely bin and his giant testes twitch like a black body builders pectorals. His proud onyx majesty rose to attention as everyone stood. He looked like a brown flag pole and his flag of spunk and a little p*ss was attempting to unfurl. As Her Majesty went by his erection fell to it's knees quicker than a Romford secretary. She was minging.

Akabusi was f**king confused. He was expecting Helen Mirren - that glorious old milf that he'd seen on a pirate dvd the night before. The reality was some old bird who he suspected had bristols like burst balloons and a clunge as crusty and useless as a Conservative Peer. His sword sheathed and his balls bowed Akabusi went off looking for pussy elsewhere.

Akabusi headed down to the stables. He liked horses, they knew what it was like to carry such a dead weight betwixt ones's thighs and he often used to train with Desert Orchid at the Linford Christie Track. The sessions would often end with mutual masturbation from which Akabusi would keep Orchid's horsefat and sell it to Arabs. He didn't know what Orchid did with his though.

Kriss let the buckles of his smart dungerees slip to the sh*t covered hay and let the fetid air of the stables circle him scum round buy one get one free deals. "Do you ride Mr Abakumisi?" said a female voice from behind Akabusi. He froze. The lady was so full of plums he felt like he felt when he'd teabagged Janet Street Porter.

He slowly turned around looking like a chocolate Challenger tank heading into battle. Before him was a brunette dressed in tight cream jodhpurs, white blouson and a pair of patent leather riding boots that would bring a tear of cum to any man's cock eye. He knew that beneath the riding gear were at the most two sparking bristols and a clunge as smart and as bald as Helen Rollinson. But not as dead.

"Do I ride? What do you f**king think!" he roared with a laugh so loud the horses bolted into the yard and killed two OBEs and a bloke in an electronic wheelchair. His sceptre rose to knight the girl whose tight jodphurs were becoming wetter than a child at an Art Malik birthday party. He was going to get royally laid.

"My name's Kate. Kate Middleton" she said with a voice as silky and hot as a balti fart in tight jockeys. Akabusi became so hard he thought some c**t was going to put Excalibur into it. The future Queen let loose rivlets of brown hair and loosened the buttons of her blouson. Akabusi wasn't one ot stand on ceremony so he tore her top off like a Zulu at Rourke's Drift. A pair of epic creamy white bristols store at him like Paul McKenna's eyes. Kate ripped off her jods and stood before Akabusi naked - her glistening axe wound beckoning him to bow at her feet.

Akabusi tore into her like Henry VIII at a Toby Carvery. His hands were all over her like the old Empire and some of the acts they were committing were just as horrific. He plunged deep into her like a jousting event and felt her cold regal body rub against his hot black tribal like years of oppression. She was greedy for cock and Akabusi wasn't one to disappoint. He thought later that she might make a career as a sword swallower if this Queen sh*te didn't work out.

Within hours it was over, Kate lay a mangled mess of white flesh, medals, horse sh*t, cum and vol au vents. Akabusi pulled out of her like Hong Kong, letting his weeping willow of brown muscle to roll around in the hay. Akabusi was sure that his rampant manslush had reached the inner sanctum and he broke into a wide sh*t eating Akabusi grin as he thought of a brown baby being born to the royal household in nine months times. "Try explaining that you bitch!" he roared.

He could hear the constant banging of Tanni Grey Thompson somewhere in the Palace so he bent down over the sated, upper middle class spunk vessel, whisphered "Awooga" in her ear and patted her on the fanny.

The End.
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Old 08-02-07, 08:52 AM   #53
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its some of the best creative writing I've witnessed
Really?

I find it quite funny, but not extremely creative.

It's like college sex stories for English lads who have read ultra light versions Burroughs or Hunter Thompson but could hardly get past page 20.

The Awooga word has me laughing though, and the history of the main character.
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Old 08-02-07, 12:44 PM   #54
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And this is the original, undoctored image. Now we know where the stories stem from.
FLMAO
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Old 08-02-07, 03:19 PM   #55
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Really?

I find it quite funny, but not extremely creative.

It's like college sex stories for English lads who have read ultra light versions Burroughs or Hunter Thompson but could hardly get past page 20.

The Awooga word has me laughing though, and the history of the main character.
Are you more a Pondus or Down's Duck man then?

A swedish mate translated some of this for me. Was pretty funny

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Old 08-02-07, 03:24 PM   #56
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Rocky is a fun cartoon, but my comments were more aimed at the praise given to the texts for their creativity etc.
I didn't find them that brilliant, just ok.
Sex stories for male literature students.
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Old 08-02-07, 03:30 PM   #57
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Well….

I was out of the office this morning, as I had an appointment.

It was just me and this woman in a little office...quite a sultry woman. I could see her massive tits wanting to burst out of her tight blouse. My pussy sensors were running wild. The aroma of chicken and sweetcorn soup and Morecambe cockles hit me like a steam train, and you can guess what started racing through my mind…

Awooga.

I started cracking up, while she was waffling on about something totally mundane. She suddenly stopped to say "I'm sorry, is there something amusing you?" and I had to apologise profusely and bluff my way out of it.
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Old 08-02-07, 04:00 PM   #58
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You must be the first person I've known who has difficulties distinguishing jokes from real life
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Old 08-02-07, 04:10 PM   #59
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class absolutely -have 5 - no fuck off that the shop next door isn't it?
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Old 08-02-07, 04:17 PM   #60
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Rocky is a fun cartoon, but my comments were more aimed at the praise given to the texts for their creativity etc.
I didn't find them that brilliant, just ok.

Sex stories for male literature students.
I'm going to send you some Barbara Cartland books to disprove your theory.
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Old 08-02-07, 04:17 PM   #61
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You must be the first person I've known who has difficulties distinguishing jokes from real life


I can't get this Akabusi lark out of my head. It could cause serious problems.
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Old 08-02-07, 04:35 PM   #62
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I can't get this Akabusi lark out of my head. It could cause serious problems.

Yes but it's just so funny, awooga!
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Old 08-02-07, 04:41 PM   #63
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Can we have an est conference, may I suggest this speaker?
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Old 08-02-07, 04:42 PM   #64
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it reminds me a bit of Extras - the episode with Patrick Stewart in, the way Patrick Stewart describes the current play he is writing "and I looked at her, and then she was naked" hahaha

(need to of seen episode for that to make sense)
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Old 08-02-07, 04:43 PM   #65
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Can we have an est conference, may I suggest this speaker?


Look at his face!!! You can just tell he loves it, the dirty bastard.
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Old 08-02-07, 04:44 PM   #66
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Look at his face!!! You can just tell he loves it, the dirty bastard.
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Old 08-02-07, 04:53 PM   #67
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I can't get this Akabusi lark out of my head. It could cause serious problems.
i know i literally in tears laughing at them and have random outbursts of laughter when i read a new one which is drawing strange looks from people in the office!

akabusi ROCKS!
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Old 08-02-07, 04:56 PM   #68
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One of Akabusi's biggest mistakes with his earnings, was asking deceased artist Francis Bacon to paint a new portrait to adorn the walls of his 2 bedroom mansion. Subsequent bookings on his Front Page developed website seemingly dried up when he used the long dead gay artist's work on his homepage.

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Old 08-02-07, 05:06 PM   #69
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such an unlikely hero for the people!
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Old 08-02-07, 06:35 PM   #70
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I'm going to send you some Barbara Cartland books to disprove your theory.
Don't bother, my mum has some of that shite stashed away somewhere I am sure.
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Old 08-02-07, 06:52 PM   #71
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Funniest Thread ever!
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Old 08-02-07, 08:53 PM   #72
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gprk_e3uiQk

"Kris Akabusi, Kris Akabusi"
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Old 13-02-07, 03:50 PM   #73
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I also posted it on 6CM and it bombed there too. Hey ho.
Now now Shaggy, we both know that's not true.

A couple of people were a bit bemused, the rest of us were pissing ourselves.

Where has this come from originally?
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Old 13-02-07, 03:54 PM   #74
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Now now Shaggy, we both know that's not true.

A couple of people were a bit bemused, the rest of us were pissing ourselves.

Where has this come from originally?
I think at the time I posted that comment mate, it had bombed. However, since then it seemed to have been received a bit better.

The source of all this is discussed in this thread somewhere, I think. The link is definitely here its from the Football365 forums. Seemingly some bloke (username Rofl_Lundgren) made them all up.
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Old 13-02-07, 05:58 PM   #75
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I dont know why, but it is funny as you like, proper warped, but funny as fuck.
As Shaggy says some may get it, others wont.
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Old 13-02-07, 10:43 PM   #76
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That is the funniest thing I've read in years. Any links? Where the flock does it come from, who wrote it?
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Old 14-02-07, 01:57 PM   #77
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That is the funniest thing I've read in years. Any links? Where the flock does it come from, who wrote it?
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The source of all this is discussed in this thread somewhere, I think. The link is definitely here its from the Football365 forums. Seemingly some bloke (username Rofl_Lundgren) made them all up.
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Old 18-02-07, 10:09 PM   #78
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Akabusi sat in his Vauxhall Corsa eating a corn beef and horseradish bloomer from Greggs with all the gusto of an Ethiopian at a Harvester salad bar. He looked out the dirty window at some pigeons fighting and f**king in the strong beams of the low winter sun. He roared with a laugh as loud, dark and hollow as a Lenny Henry comeback tour. What did these animals know of the art of f**king love making?

The thought sent a quiver down Akabusi's ebony frame to his purring pussy pounder. It hadn't tasted the sweet suds of a clunge for at least eight hours and it was getting restless and hungry. Kriss considered inducing a wet day dream - or a "lunchtime geyser" as Geoff Capes had once called it. But no. His throbbing hulk of brown greasy gristle needed kneeding and it had to be from the wettest, reddest lips since Jilly Goolden on a tour of the Bordeaux region.

And anyway, John Regis was sitting in the back of the Corsa nursing a Cheese and Onion pastie and feverishly counting the rain drops on the window. Since the Manchester Casino debacle Regis's OCD had become 456 times worse. Akabusi and Black had tried to f**k the casino over with Regis counting cards but the daft window slurper had gone nuts and pushed the table over and flopped his monster cock in the face of the croupier. Regis insisted there were 39 steps out of the casino but the boy's feet barely touched the ground.

To cheer himself up Akabusi had entered a Pro Celebrity Golf Tournament at Wentworth and as he licked his big brown finger and dabbed the crumbs from his tweed dungerees he looked out on the assembled Z list clebs at the first tee. He knew he was going to get some hole today and he prayed to his Nigerian gods that it was deep and didn't have a flag in it. Yet.

Akabusi wiped Regis down with a wet wipe and headed over to registration. In the distance he spotted that c**t Tanni Grey Thompson rolling over to the first tee with her electronic caddy in tow - it looked like a convoy of sh*t Transformers. Akabusi growled and snarled like an Muslim's belly on the penultimate day of Ramadam. If he was playing against her he was sure he would lose his considerable rag and bury her up to her head in a bunker. He tried to remain calm as he was introduced to his caddy.

Clunge Sunesson was the smoking hot daughter of Fanny, Faldo's old stick holder, and Akabusi's interest in this good walk spoilt was heightened when his greedy eyes focused on the svelte Swedish sexpot that stood before him polishing his wood. The cool air of the early morning breeze slide into his dungerees like Sidney Cooke into a nephew's bunk and licked at his black short and curlys like lesbians at the annual muff divers stamp collectors blow out. He wanted to sink his rapidly engorging brown Mizuno into her fairway as soon as. But he had a game to play and some spastics to buy a bus for or some sh*t like that.

"What's your handicap Abakumi?" hurled Bruce Forsyth as he passed by in his golf buggy which doubled as a hearse. "By big cock, you old c**t" roared Kriss with a sharpness and panache not seen since that bender Wilde complained about the wallpaper. Akabusi knew he had a powerful swing but knew more often than not his balls ended up in the rough. She worked in the clubhouse on Saturdays.

As was Akabusi's custom he let the brass buckles of his tweed dungerees loose and felt the coarse fabric rush past his ebony carcass like a rocket launch. All the celebs knew the score with Kriss and no one said a f**king word as he stood at the first tee looking like a large chocolate "K". Akabusi always played erect- it improved his game and left him ever ready to plunge his black post box into a fan or PR girl. As he shifted his giant onyx rugby balls and pulled his bat or club or whatever the f**k it was called the CTU tone of his mobile started ringing.

Clunge picked up the huge bloody thing and the battery attached and slung it over to Akabusi. It was Derek Redmond. They hated Redmond. Him, Blackie and poor Regis had never forgiven him for plonking Suzanne Davies and not letting them watch and he had a small willy so he never really fit in. As Akabusi held up the whole tournament with his call viewers could see his veiny colussas begin to fall to the ground like Beckett in the cathedral. Apparently Redmond had been sending parcel bombs to various offices across the country. He'd got a parking ticket whilst he was dogging with Collymore and McFadden in Penge and it had driven him nuts. And he had a small willy.

Deflated, Akabusi told Redmond that the lads would be over to his 117,560 mansion near Watford as soon as the tournament was over. They'd have to kill him of course. He knew too much. But at least the madness would be over and the good people of the parking and traffic enforcement community could sleep easy. Black liked murder and killing so he would garoutte the micro cocked loon whilst he poured the others a Kestrel.

Clunge Sunesson came over and told him the tourny was off. Darren Clarke had waterlogged the second hole with his tears and automatically both won the tournament and managed to f**k loads of mothering birds. Akabusi wished he had a dead wife. Oh well, he thought as his attention returned to Clunge.

He knew beneath the pink Pringle top and flourescent tabard lay a pair of epic blonde bristols with all the promise and weight of Frank Lampard as a teenager. And as sure as Regis was mad as a closed box of c**ts, Akabusi knew that tucked into those khaki shorts was a pussy as hairless and had a powerful grip as a Professor Xavier action figure. He felt the blood rush into his brown campanile quicker than a train delay at the hint of snow.

He picked up Clunge and threw over his shoulder and headed to the tranquility of the nearest bunker. He torn her gear off and flung her into the bunker. She lay helpless in the sand like an unturned beetle - with a pair of itty bitty tits and a fanny as wet as a Zeebrugge purser. He plunged into her like a Johnny Vegas dive bombing a kiddie's pool and before long he was up to his crackers in this blonde spunk wagon.

Within hours he was approaching his vinegars and let out a roar of pain, pleasure and passion as he let fly such a stream of hot man scum over her battered torso that people in the next town thought someone had struck white oil. He had.

As he strapped his dying dong to his toned calves and slipped on his tweed dungs he looked over to the Corsa. Regis was all excited - there were 8796 rain drops on the rear window and couldn't wait to tell Redmond. Black was at the boot loading up some tools and cheese wire. This was going to get messy.

He looked down on the shagpile of giant spermazota, matted Scandic hair, Slazenger Number 1s and a Clunge that looked like a regurgitated steak, bent down, whispered "Awooga" in her ear and patted her on the fanny.

The End.
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Old 18-02-07, 10:47 PM   #79
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Nice one Monty
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Old 23-02-07, 12:11 AM   #80
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How the mother fuck had this thread passed me by?

Its the funniest thing I have read since the story of the RJF - 70's kid show violence.
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