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Old 01-02-11, 11:07 PM   #1041
fordy434
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What's the difference between a Priest and a pimple?

A pimple doesn't cum on your face until you're 12
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Old 01-02-11, 11:08 PM   #1042
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What did the blind, deaf, and quadriplegic kid get for Christmas?

Cancer.
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Old 01-02-11, 11:09 PM   #1043
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What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?

One you can smash to pieces with a hammer and the other is a watermelon
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Old 01-02-11, 11:09 PM   #1044
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What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

A paraplegic in a house fire.
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Old 01-02-11, 11:11 PM   #1045
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Why is it easier to unlaod a truckful of dead babies than it is a truck filled with bags of sugar?

With the babies you can use a pitchfork
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Old 01-02-11, 11:12 PM   #1046
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What's black and blue and dosent like sex?

The little boy in my closet
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Old 02-02-11, 02:02 PM   #1047
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Kenny Dalglish has hit a stroke of genius signing Andy Carroll.

Utilising his women beating abilities to appeal against all future offside decisions
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Old 03-02-11, 12:14 PM   #1048
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Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.



It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

Startled, the Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
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Old 03-02-11, 12:18 PM   #1049
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roflmao haha
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Old 03-02-11, 11:46 PM   #1050
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Originally Posted by SB View Post
Today's word is................. Fluctuations


I was at my bank today; there was a short line.

There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars.



It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the
teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations."

Startled, the Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too!"
CLASSIC
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Old 04-02-11, 12:30 PM   #1051
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Haha my old man told me that one a few years ago.
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Old 07-02-11, 08:24 PM   #1052
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Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off.
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Old 08-02-11, 11:29 PM   #1053
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Derry lad in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest,ugliest girl they have,
with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat.

the Madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir?"
he replied, "NO......................just homesick!"
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Old 10-02-11, 11:26 AM   #1054
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A female referee has been given the United v City derby match on Saturday.
Kick off has been delayed for an hour to give her time to park her car...
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Old 11-02-11, 12:37 PM   #1055
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Well I thought this was funny..

Last edited by Norbs; 21-02-11 at 04:04 PM.
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Old 11-02-11, 12:46 PM   #1056
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Quote:
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Well I thought this was funny..
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Old 11-02-11, 12:47 PM   #1057
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drago View Post
Derry lad in Amsterdam goes into a brothel and asks for the fattest,ugliest girl they have,
with the saggiest tits and a fanny like a vandalised bus seat.

the Madam said "are we feeling kinky tonight sir?"
he replied, "NO......................just homesick!"
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Old 14-02-11, 11:08 PM   #1058
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A Valentines Day Card fell onto my door mat this morning.

I put it straight in the bin because I knew exactly who it was from.

It was my postman, I saw him walking up the driveway, the fucking queer cunt.



I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."






If Jimmy has to have 14 shirts ironed by 4:30, and it is 3:00 now, and only 1 shirt can be ironed every 10 minutes:

How hard does Jimmy need to beat his wife to get the ironing finished on time?








Designers of the London Olympic stadium have been advised to use lower power floodlights than the ones used in China after they noticed that 90% of the crowd seemed to be squinting.




Subway is similar to prostitution. You pay other people to do your wife's job.
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Old 15-02-11, 10:12 AM   #1059
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[QUOTE=Subby;1894825]A Valentines Day Card fell onto my door mat this morning.


I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."

[QUOTE]

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Old 16-02-11, 03:11 PM   #1060
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My missus said my cock reminds her of her favourite supermarket...

i said why? cause its well stocked and fulfils her every need?

she said No cause its Lidl......
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Old 16-02-11, 05:38 PM   #1061
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Old 17-02-11, 11:45 AM   #1062
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A Jehova's Witness knocked on my door last night, so I took him in, sat him down in the living room, gave him a cup of tea and asked him what he would like to talk about.

He shook his head and replied "Fuck Knows I've never got this far before"
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Old 17-02-11, 10:09 PM   #1063
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Did you hear about the spastic who won the disco dancing competition?



He only crossed the dancefloor to buy a bag of crisps
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Old 22-02-11, 11:01 PM   #1064
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Walkers are set to launch their Comic Relief range of crisps in Korea, where 'Jack Russell Howard' is expected to be the favourite.



Why are black people such good dancers?

They spend their first nine months trying to dodge a coathanger.
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Old 23-02-11, 03:48 AM   #1065
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It being Valintines day last week, i booked a table for myself and the missus. I shouldnt have bothered, it always ends in tears! She's terrible at snooker.
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I'm so excited. And I just cant hide it. I'm about to loose control and I think I like it.

"If I got a job to do, even if it was cleaning floors... I'd still want my floor cleaner than yours. If everyone was like that, football would be better. Bill Shankly
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Old 25-02-11, 07:18 PM   #1066
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Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months."
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Old 25-02-11, 07:21 PM   #1067
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
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Old 25-02-11, 07:49 PM   #1068
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2 cracker .
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Old 25-02-11, 07:49 PM   #1069
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2 crackers .

Sorry mods
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Old 01-03-11, 06:42 PM   #1070
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I got plaster in my ear today, anyone know the best way to get it out?
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Old 03-03-11, 07:20 PM   #1071
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What's the worst thing about marrying Siamese twins?

When they've both got an headache on the same night.
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Old 03-03-11, 07:21 PM   #1072
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Wayne Rooney's video game out now: Pre-Evolution Soccer.
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Old 03-03-11, 11:59 PM   #1073
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NSFW

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Stop the cyberhate


from now on I will skip talking about our finances. That is a promise and will save myself from looking like a

Susan Black
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Old 04-03-11, 04:00 AM   #1074
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It's said that you could be living beside a pedofile and never know... Not me, I live beside 2 sexy 10 year olds.
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I'm so excited. And I just cant hide it. I'm about to loose control and I think I like it.

"If I got a job to do, even if it was cleaning floors... I'd still want my floor cleaner than yours. If everyone was like that, football would be better. Bill Shankly
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Old 04-03-11, 10:09 AM   #1075
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Old 04-03-11, 11:38 PM   #1076
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Quote:
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Old 05-03-11, 10:06 PM   #1077
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My wife left me yesterday, she said I think about football more than I think about her. I'm devastated, I've been with her for 12 seasons
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Old 05-03-11, 10:49 PM   #1078
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Two lads drop in for a pint after work one evening .
In the corner they see Tony their mate crying his eyes out.
One of em asks the barman whats up with Tony .
Barman says -you know his wife left him last week .
Yes reply the two friends .
She came home this morning replied the barman.
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Old 05-03-11, 10:58 PM   #1079
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Old 06-03-11, 09:46 PM   #1080
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Roses are red, so is red glitter,

I'm tired of your vadge lets lube up your shitter.
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