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Old 29-01-22, 10:57 PM   #3001
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Old 30-01-22, 06:02 PM   #3002
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I wonder who could tell that joke?
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Old 30-01-22, 06:36 PM   #3003
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I wonder who could tell that joke?


Yeah I dunno. The punchline would take a bit of telling.

I love a shaggy dog story though.
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Old 01-02-22, 04:53 PM   #3004
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A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary and we had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!'
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Old 01-02-22, 09:26 PM   #3005
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Old 02-02-22, 04:01 PM   #3006
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I dont' get it....fuck! the arms rotating joke.
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Old 02-02-22, 04:35 PM   #3007
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Is it not that he just asked for something really stupid? If not I don't get it either...
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Old 03-02-22, 11:23 AM   #3008
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the anticipation on that arms rotating thing was brilliant.......the punchline was such a let-down!!!
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Old 03-02-22, 01:04 PM   #3009
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I laugh every time I think of it.
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Old 03-02-22, 03:10 PM   #3010
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Is it not that he just asked for something really stupid? If not I don't get it either...
That’s it.

It’s the expectation that his reveal was going to be epic, and that the other guys would in some way not be satisfied and morally bankrupt.

Instead he just admits that he fucked it up.

It’s genius.
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Old 04-02-22, 12:59 AM   #3011
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I'm fairly sure the man with an organe for a head joke is in here as well. Its the same premise.
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Old 04-02-22, 01:00 AM   #3012
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Yep. Here it is. Classic

Quote:
Originally Posted by Leyton388 View Post
A man is walking down the street when he runs into his friend. But there's something different about him: his friend has an orange for a head.

So the man asks his friend, "Hey man, why do you have an orange for a head?"

And his friend replies, "Well I was digging through the trash and I found a magic lamp. I rubbed it and a genie popped out and promised me three wishes."

The man then says, "That's cool, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

His friend replies, "Well for my first wish I asked to be the richest man in the world, and 'poof!' I had tons upon tons of gold bullion at my feet."

The man shuffles and asks again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?"

His friend smiles and says, "Wait, wait. I'm getting there. For my second wish I wished for the most beautiful woman in the world to be my bride, and 'poof!' there she was, the very likeness of Helen of Troy."

The man, dumbfounded and quite anxious asks once again, "Okay, but why do you have an orange for a head?!?"

To which his friend replies, "Well, for my third wish, I wished for an orange for a head."
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Old 04-02-22, 11:25 AM   #3013
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Hahaha!
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Old 04-02-22, 04:52 PM   #3014
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Yep. Here it is. Classic


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Old 04-02-22, 04:59 PM   #3015
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I just told my son that, he didnt find it funny at all
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Old 04-02-22, 05:56 PM   #3016
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I don't either, it's stupid
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Old 04-02-22, 06:04 PM   #3017
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Yep, it’s gone down as badly as an out of context Jimmy Carr joke about Gypsies.
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Old 04-02-22, 06:11 PM   #3018
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It’s funny because it goes against the convention.

Tough crowd
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Old 04-02-22, 06:13 PM   #3019
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I just told my son that, he didnt find it funny at all
He's right, you're wrong
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Old 04-02-22, 07:22 PM   #3020
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Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?" Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything?" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?" Donkey replies "that's me when I played for Juventus!"
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Old 04-02-22, 07:37 PM   #3021
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Quote:
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Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?" Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything?" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?" Donkey replies "that's me when I played for Juventus!"


I'm nicking that for a best man's speech

Last edited by Norbs; 04-02-22 at 07:40 PM.
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Old 04-02-22, 10:09 PM   #3022
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Quote:
Originally Posted by fidget View Post
Horse is in the pub having a few, spots a donkey in the corner. So he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living?" Horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter". Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything?" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”

They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything". So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. The horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here, who's that in the picture on the wall?" Donkey replies "that's me when I played for Juventus!"
Not bad.
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Old 06-02-22, 09:16 PM   #3023
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Jurgen Klopp, Ralf Rangnick, Brendan Rodgers and Mikel Arteta entered a pub. Jurgen bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Rangnick got a round in. Then Arteta put his hand in his pocket. Then Brendan Rodgers got the beers in.

Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Klopp went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Rangnick said "Excuse me Jurgen. What about us?"

Klopp looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."
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Old 07-02-22, 07:21 AM   #3024
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Quote:
Originally Posted by baitman View Post
Jurgen Klopp, Ralf Rangnick, Brendan Rodgers and Mikel Arteta entered a pub. Jurgen bought them all a drink. Once they had finished, Rangnick got a round in. Then Arteta put his hand in his pocket. Then Brendan Rodgers got the beers in.

Once they'd all consumed 4 beers, Klopp went to the bar, bought a drink for himself only, and sat at the table. They all looked at him before Rangnick said "Excuse me Jurgen. What about us?"

Klopp looked at them and said, "Sorry lads. This is the fifth round and none of you are in it."
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Old 12-02-22, 01:32 PM   #3025
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"But thus I counsel you, my friends: Mistrust all in whom the impulse to punish is powerful. They are people of a low sort and stock; the hangmen and the bloodhound look out of their faces. Mistrust all who talk much of their justice!"
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Old 12-02-22, 08:38 PM   #3026
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Viz
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Old 12-02-22, 09:39 PM   #3027
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I've got the Viz bulging sack book haha! Some classics in there!
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Old 12-02-22, 09:41 PM   #3028
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Lol
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Klopp on LFC vs MUFC (March 9th 2016) - "This is why I love football. This is why we watched it when we were young. I can still not have enough of it."


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Old 12-02-22, 09:49 PM   #3029
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Quote:
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I've got the Viz bulging sack book haha! Some classics in there!
I have Rogers Profanasaurus
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Weak willed, Wank or do they have a masterplan?

Think we have the answer..Klopp
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Old 14-02-22, 02:58 PM   #3030
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Old 23-02-22, 08:53 AM   #3031
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Police have confirmed that a man who died after falling from a nightclub roof was not a bouncer
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Old 01-04-22, 03:33 PM   #3032
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I ate a clock for dinner last night. It was very time consuming. But I still went back for seconds.
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Old 12-04-22, 12:39 AM   #3033
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A dwarf was drinking in a bar when a sexy blonde walked up to him and said “I’ve always wanted to have sex with a little person”
The dwarf replied “I’m sorry, but I’ve had women say that before, then I go home with them and the husband or boyfriend finds out and I get beaten up”
“It’s ok” said the woman “ my husband is working away until next week “
So, against his better judgment he goes back with the woman.
Well, they start having amazing sex, when suddenly the front door opens.
“Shit, it’s my husband “ she said
“ quick, hang out of the bedroom window, and when he goes for a shower, you can climb in and get away”
So the dwarf climbs out of the window and hangs on the ledge by his fingertips.
The husband comes in the bedroom and says “ it’s cold in here” and slams the window shut and the dwarf plummets to the ground.
Well the woman is distraught and calls an ambulance.
A couple of days later she goes to visit the dwarf in hospital
“How are you” ? She asked
“Well my fingers are broken, I’ve got two broken ankles, a dislocated hip and severe concussion “ he said
“Oh dear” she said
“Still , it could have been much worse “
“Much worse !!!!?” Said the dwarf
“How do you figure that out”
“Well” she said
“You’re lucky I live in a bungalow"😂😂😂😂
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Old 13-04-22, 12:32 AM   #3034
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In these difficult times a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never give up.👍👍

My mates missus came a close 2nd in the 1997 Miss Bolton competition...

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck...

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders...

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstructive surgery after a road traffic accident...

Later she suffered 80% burns in a factory fire...

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged out in a fight outside a kebab shop...

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts but she never stopped believing
And then finally, last month....

She was crowned Miss Wigan 2020 👏
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Old 13-04-22, 08:49 AM   #3035
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Old 13-04-22, 10:58 AM   #3036
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Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him"
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Old 14-04-22, 04:30 PM   #3037
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Absolutely devastated.
7 years of medical training and hard work resulting in a friend being struck off for a minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients.
He is no longer able to continue in the profession he loves.
A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet!
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Old 14-04-22, 04:44 PM   #3038
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Quote:
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Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him"
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Old 19-04-22, 08:07 AM   #3039
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Mates wife was cleaning their 12 year old sons bedroom and finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags she asks her husband
"What should I do?"
Hubby says "I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him"
.. like that one
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Old 04-06-22, 02:36 PM   #3040
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Jose Mourinho gets a letter delivered to his house in Rome.
Opens it, it's an electricity bill for £17,000 forwarded on from Manchester United Football Club..
He rings the club, "I think there's been a mistake, you sent me a bill but I haven't worked for you for years."
No Jose sorry, but there’s no mistake......
You were the last person in the trophy room in 2017 and you left the fucking light on!"
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