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Old 11-10-08, 02:19 AM   #1
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Scum jokes

Think it's about time we have a thread to make fun of those mancs, eh?



A guy goes to the doctors and says to the doc; "there's something wrong with my arse". Doctor says "what is it", so the guy says "my arse keeps singing glory glory man utd", and the doc says "dont worry, its normal, all arse holes sing that".
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Old 11-10-08, 02:27 AM   #2
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A van driver used to amuse himself by running over every Manchester United fan he would see strutting down the side of the road in their ubiquitous red colours. He would swerve to hit them and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. One day, as the driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the van over. He asked the Priest "where are you going, Father?",

"I'm going to say mass at St. Joseph's church, about 2 miles down the road" replied the priest.

"No problem Father! I'll give you a lift"! climb in!"

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the van continued down the road. Suddenly the driver saw a Manchester United fan walking down the road and instinctively swerved to hit him. But, just in time, he remembered the bloody priest, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the scum bastard. However even though he was certain he missed the glory-hunting shite, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything he turned to the priest and said

"I'm sorry Father, I almost hit that Manchester United fan,

"That's okay" replied the priest. "I got the fucker with the door!"
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Old 11-10-08, 02:31 AM   #3
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Top tip for Manchester United fans: don't waste money on expensive new kits every season. Simply strap a large inflatable penis to your forehead, and everyone will immediately know which team you support.
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Old 11-10-08, 02:36 AM   #4
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A Man Utd fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Man Utd shirt. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter in a Arsenal scarf.

"Hello mate" says St. Peter, "I'm sorry, no Man Utd fans in heaven."
"What ?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard, no Man Utd fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man", replies the Man Utd supporter.
"Oh really", says St. Peter. "What have you done, then ?"
"Well" said the guy, "Three weeks before I died, I gave 10 pounds to the starving children in Africa".
"Oh" says St. Peter. "anything else?"
"Well, 2 weeks before I died I also gave 10 pounds to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died I gave 10 pounds to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay", said St. Peter, "You wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor."
Ten minutes pass before St. Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your thirty quid back, now fuck off".
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Old 11-10-08, 02:39 AM   #5
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Old 11-10-08, 02:44 AM   #6
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A Man Utd fan is walking home late when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty quid and Im yours" she whispers.
He's never been with a hooker before but he thinks "Ah what the heck? after all its only 20 quid. I might as well give it a try just this once."
So they disappear into the bushes.
They've been doing the rude business for a few minutes when a light flashes on them. They look up and see a police officer.
"Whats going on here then?" asks the officer.
"Er, Im just making love to my wife, officer," the Man Utd supporter answers quickly.
"Oh, I'm sorry" says the cop "I didn't know."
"Well," says the United supporter "Until you shone the torch in her face, neither did I!"
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Old 11-10-08, 02:49 AM   #7
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A little boy from Liverpool had gone to Rome on holiday with his family hoping to see the Pope.
Anyway, a couple of days after they'd arrived, the Pope was doing a tour of the city in his Popemobile. The little lad was bit worried that the Pope wouldn't be able to pick him out in the crowd, so his Mum said:

"don't worry, the Pope is a footy fan, so wear your Liverpool shirt and he's bound to pick you out and talk to you".

So, they're in the crowd, but the Popemobile drives past them, and stops a bit further down the street where John Paul gets out and speaks to a little boy in a Man Utd shirt. The Liverpool lad is distraught and starts crying. His Mum says:

"don't worry, the Pope's driving around tomorrow as well, so we'll get you a Man Utd shirt and then he's bound to stop to see you".

The next day arrives, and the boy's got on his new Man Utd shirt.

The Popemobile stops right by him, John Paul gets out, bends down and says to the lad:

"I thought I told you to fuck off yesterday?"
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Old 11-10-08, 03:00 AM   #8
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Gary Neville goes to the doctors and says:

" Doctor everytime I look in the mirror I get aroused "

"of course you do" says the doctor "Your a Cunt"
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Old 11-10-08, 03:02 AM   #9
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Gary Neville and Phil Neville are sat in their local on a Sunday, with the family dog they've just taken for a stroll. All of a suddenly, a young guy walks in, walks over to them and lifts up the dogs tail, before turning around and walking back out. Gary gives Phil a confused look, but just ignores it. A minute later, the same happens again. This time, Gary calls the guy back and says "You're the 2nd guy to do that today, why did you lift my dogs tail up for?" The guy replies, "there's some fellas stood outside telling everyone there's a dog in here with 2 arseholes."
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Old 11-10-08, 03:10 AM   #10
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I can't wait to hear these jokes.
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Old 12-10-08, 01:18 AM   #11
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A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.

"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan

The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.

"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"

He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.

"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think Iíll wait til the Police get here."
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Old 12-10-08, 01:54 AM   #12
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On the return journey from an away match the Man Utd team bus crashed killing several players. On arriving at the Pearly Gates the players were told by St. Peter that they would have to confess their sins before they were allowed into Heaven. Roy Keane was the first in the queue and St. Peter asked him "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" Keane replied "I did once just brush it with the tip of my finger". "Dip the tip of your finger into the bowl of Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.



Paul Scholes was the next in the queue. "Have you ever touched Alex Ferguson's penis?" asked St. Peter. "I did once toss him off" replied Scholes. "Wash your hand in that Holy Water over there and pass on through the gates" replied St. Peter.



All of a sudden there was a scuffling in the queue and Nicky Butt pushed through to the front ahead of David Beckham."What's going on there?" asked St. Peter. "Well," said Butt, "If I'm going to have to stick my tongue in that bowl of Holy Water, I want to get there before Beckham dunks his arse in it."
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Old 12-10-08, 02:03 AM   #13
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3 football fans are leaving the big game, one from Brighton, one from Chelsea, and one from Manchester United, when they come across the body of a dead woman lying naked in the middle of the road. Not sure what they should do, the Brighton fan takes off his supporters cap and places it over her left breast. The Chelsea supporter follows suit, placing his cap over her right breast, finally the Manchester United supporter places his Mancheser United cap over her 'lower regions', and they decide they should call the police.
Several minutes later the policeman arrives and goes over to the body to inspect it. First he lifts the Brighton cap, and looks briefly at her left breast. Next he lifts the Chelsea cap, looking briefly at the woman's right breast. Finally he lifts the Mancheser United supporters cap off the woman, but instead of looking briefly, he stares at the woman's 'privates' for about 2 minutes.
Putting the cap down the police man thinks to himself and lifts the cap again. This time staring for about 5 minutes. The supporters think this kind of behaviour a little strange, and when the policeman finally finishes staring and comes over to them, they ask him what he had been looking at for so long.
The policeman replies: "It's the darnedest thing, but that's the first time I've ever seen anything other than an arsehole under an Manchester United cap"
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Old 12-10-08, 02:05 AM   #14
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Why do NASA send their astronauts to train at Old Toilet?

It's the only place in the world with no atmosphere!
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Old 12-10-08, 09:57 AM   #15
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Lookin forward going to work with these,Cheers mate
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Old 12-10-08, 10:46 AM   #16
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Lookin forward going to work with these,Cheers mate
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Old 12-10-08, 01:09 PM   #17
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Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan.You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"
"Well," the friend replies, "I ran over David Beckham".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."

Four surgeons are taking a coffee break:
1st surgeon says "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
2nd surgeon says "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
3rd surgeon says "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded."
4th surgeon says "I prefer Man U fans. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
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Old 12-10-08, 01:15 PM   #18
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A manc supporters coach has plummeted over a cliff killing all on board

the police arrive at the scene to find a Liverpool supporter sat on the edge of the cliff sobbing uncontrollably, his was the car the coach had been trying to overtake for some time

" You ok mate, I know it must be upsetting for you even though you're a Liverpool fan " says the copper

" Yeh, there was a couple of empty seats at the fuckin back !! "
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Old 12-10-08, 04:49 PM   #19
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The Pope decided to holiday in South West England this summer and one day parked his popemobile on a Cornish beach, got the deck chair out, a copy of FHM and started to take in some rays.

After half an hour a huge crowd gathered at the edge of the beach, with lots of gasps & screams coming from the throng the pope rushes over to investigate.

About 20 yards out a 30ft shark is tossing a man in a Man Utd shirt all over the surf. Just as the shark is lining up for the kill a speed boat appears with three men in Liverpool shirts

The first guy harpoons the shark, the second bashes it over the head with a club & the third hauls it into the boat before picking up the badly injured Manc.

The Pope is astonished & calls the three Scousers to the shore to commend them on there brave rescue.

"My sons , the courageous selfless act I have just witnessed deserves my papal blessing. This act of human kindness will be the start of love & peace in the North West, Thanks be to God"

As the Pope drives away the first Scouser says "Who the fuck was that?"

The second replies "It's the Pope, he's in touch with God & knows everything"

The third Scouser says "Well he knows fuck all about shark fishing does he, how's the bait holding up or do we need another?"
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Old 12-10-08, 09:53 PM   #20
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How do you circumsize a manc?

Kick his sister in the jaw!




What do you do if you see a manc crawling towards you bleeding

stop laughing, reload and shoot again




One day Tom Thumb, Snow White, and Quasimodo are sitting around talking. All of the sudden Tom Thumb says, "You know, how do I know I'm the world's smallest man? Maybe I'm NOT the world's smallest man". And he got very depressed. Then Snow White says, "How do I know I'm the most beautiful woman in the world? Perhaps there is someone more beautiful than me!" And she got very depressed.

Quasimodo then said, 'How do I know I'm the world's ugliest person? Maybe there is someone uglier than me!" And he, too, sank into depression. One week later the three were all killed in a car crash. While in Heaven's waiting room, they were all entitled to a private conference with God, who would answer for them one question.

After Tom Thumb's conference, he came out smiling and said, "It's all right, I am the world's smallest man". Snow White left God's chamber smiling also, "It's ok," she said, "I am the fairest of them all". Quasimodo came out of his conference scratching his head. He looked at the others and asked, "Who the hell is Plastic-Ronaldo?






There was a Liverpool fan, a Scum fan and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage on a train. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap.When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Liverpool fan were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Scum fan had his hand against his face as if he had been hit hard.

The Scum fan was thinking: 'That Liverpool fan must have kissed Claudia Schiffer who went to slap him, missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'That Scum fan must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Liverpool fan and got slapped for it.' And the Liverpool fan was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and hit that Scum bastard again, Harder.'




Why is the grass at Old Toilet nice and Green?
Because they put millions of pounds worth of shite on it each week.
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Old 12-10-08, 09:57 PM   #21
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Old 12-10-08, 09:58 PM   #22
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Old 14-10-08, 02:09 PM   #23
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Quote:
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Gary Neville goes to the doctors and says:

" Doctor everytime I look in the mirror I get aroused "

"of course you do" says the doctor "Your a Cunt"

We have a winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:cheerlead er:
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Old 14-10-08, 02:24 PM   #24
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police arrest 6 men who on seeing a lad wearing a manure shirt set about him and kicked the living shite out of him

when the case goes to court a witness is called

"why did you not help?" the judge asks



the man replies

"i thought 6 was enough to be honest"
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Old 14-10-08, 02:25 PM   #25
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The Gary Neville diaries

Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.


Saturday
Won today but I didn't play :-( Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to 'go away innit'. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley :-) gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should of won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.

Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly 'tache.

Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, "too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League". Am going to tell Sir and then I'm going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.

Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.
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Old 14-10-08, 02:37 PM   #26
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Viruses

The Manchester United Virus. This is where your PC thinks its far superior than any other PC and develops a memory disorder, forgetting anything that happened before 1993.

The Roy Keane Virus. This one is particularly nasty and will throw you out of Windows.

The Alex Ferguson Virus. The computer develops a continuous whining noise and the on screen clock runs a lot faster or slower (depending on how your days been) than all the other computers in the building.

The Neville Bros. Virus. Just when you think things can't get any worse, this one pops up and causes a calamitous error.

The Ryan Giggs Virus. The computer develops a processor problem, whereby it thinks it's better than it actually is. It also experiences dramatic fluctuation in performance.

The Luke Chadwick Virus. This is a particularly ugly one.

The Manchester United Shirt Virus. This one is especially hard to detect as it changes it's format every 3 months.
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Old 14-10-08, 09:50 PM   #27
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Old 14-10-08, 09:51 PM   #28
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Old 15-10-08, 08:40 PM   #29
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FANTASTIC stuff here lads...I'm missing the England game for these!
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Old 16-10-08, 05:23 PM   #30
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How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?


Depends how thin you slice them.
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Old 16-10-08, 05:29 PM   #31
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Newsflash:

Thieves broke into the home of a scum fan and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said, "is that I hadn't finished coloring them in yet!"
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Old 16-10-08, 09:01 PM   #32
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2 jews walk into the man utd ticket office and ask for season tickets. The woman behind asks " are you circumcised?" The jews reply "yes of course" The woman then said " sorry but you have to be a COMPLETE prick to be an man utd fan".
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Old 16-10-08, 09:03 PM   #33
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Two man u fans walking down the street and they notice a sign in the chemist window saying "FREE man u season ticket with every packet of condoms" after 5 minutes of argueing on who is going in one fan goes in .

He emerges 10 minutes later with a comb a packet of condoms batteries and some cream, the other fan asks "wheres the season ticket?" the other fan replies "i was too embarrased to ask for it"
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Old 16-10-08, 10:36 PM   #34
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(to the tune of Adams Family)
Your mother is your sister,
your father is your brother,
you like to shag each other,
The Neville Family.
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Old 17-10-08, 01:32 PM   #36
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news just breaking of an accident at Tesco's main stores facility

two Man U supporters have been killed when a forklift truck toppled over ....




every little helps
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Old 17-10-08, 06:25 PM   #37
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A Manc was fucking his sister and she started laughing.

he asked
"What's so funny"?

she said
"You fuck like dad."

He says
"Yeah, that's what mum said."















Inbreds, the lot of them.
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Old 17-10-08, 09:02 PM   #38
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Quote:
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news just breaking of an accident at Tesco's main stores facility

two Man U supporters have been killed when a forklift truck toppled over ....




every little helps
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shanks007 View Post
A Manc was fucking his sister and she started laughing.

he asked
"What's so funny"?

she said
"You fuck like dad."

He says
"Yeah, that's what mum said."















Inbreds, the lot of them.

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Old 21-10-08, 10:49 PM   #39
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Old 21-10-08, 10:51 PM   #40
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