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Old 08-03-08, 03:49 PM   #1
spud_gun
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Finding Chuck

Do this

1. Go to www.google.co.uk

2. Type 'find chuck norris' in the search box.

3. Hit 'I'm feeling lucky'
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Old 08-03-08, 04:01 PM   #2
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Old 08-03-08, 07:18 PM   #3
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You can do the same with 'French military victories' in the search box
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Old 08-03-08, 08:39 PM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MattD View Post


You can do the same with 'French military victories' in the search box


Cheeky
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Old 08-03-08, 09:04 PM   #5
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Chuck Norris can divide by Zero! FACT
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."
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Old 08-03-08, 09:22 PM   #6
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Old 08-03-08, 09:30 PM   #7
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If Chuck Norris drops toast it ALWAYS lands butter side up
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."
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Old 09-03-08, 10:25 AM   #8
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Basic Truths About 24's Jack Bauer


Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.

If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef... then you'd better believe it's beef.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

If Jack Bauer and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

Jack Bauer was conceived by torturing the other sperm until they gave up the location of the egg.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're dead."

Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red.

Explosions do not kill Jack Bauer. They just get stuff out of his way.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer thought to himself, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

If you break one of Jack Bauer's ribs, he'll just use it to stab you to death.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

When Time magazine awards “The Man of the Year*”, there is fine print at the bottom of the cover that says, “*besides Jack Bauer.”

There is only one rule for dating Jack Bauer’s daughter. Don’t.

Jack Bauer once needed 25 hours to dismantle a terrorist plot and save the world. This is why we now have Daylight Savings.

If Jack Bauer had been in "The Terminator", Arnold would not have been back.

Every time you ask a question on Ask Jeeves, Jack Bauer tortures someone for the answer.

Jack Bauer has no problem following orders, unless you tell him to do something he doesn't want to.

Jack Bauer wasn't born. He was unleashed.

G.I. Joe plays with Jack Bauer action figures.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have his sentence reduced to death.

James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer doesn’t need any licenses.

If you send someone to kill Jack Bauer, the only thing you accomplish is supplying him with a fresh set of weapons to kill you with.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

When Jack Bauer is chasing you, you can run. But you’ll only die tired.

Jack Bauer would kill Santa Claus in front of a bunch of children if it meant finding the bomb in time.

When somebody asks Jack Bauer how his day is going, he replies, “Previously, on 24...”

After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took three shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

Jack Bauer interrogated Colonel Sanders and got him to reveal his secret blend of eleven herbs and spices.

Jack Bauer does not sleep. The only rest he needs is when he has been knocked out or temporarily killed.

Jack Bauer flosses with barbed wire.

Once, someone told Jack Bauer a knock-knock joke. Jack found out who was there, who he worked for, and where the bomb was.

If you want to annoy Jack Bauer, just use terms like "protocol", "orders" and "civil liberties". Jack will then torture and kill you for annoying him.

When donating blood, Jack Bauer refuses the syringe and asks for a hunting knife and a bucket instead.

Jack Bauer can eat only one Lay's potato chip. Nobody tells Jack Bauer what he can't do.

Jack Bauer shaves his beard with a chainsaw.

If Jack Bauer saw a terrorist reaching for a bomb to blow himself up, Jack would shoot the bomb first. Nobody steals a kill from Jack Bauer.

Once, when trapped inside a terrorist camp with his arms and legs bound, Jack Bauer used his teeth to cut through the spinal cord of the prison guard, then promptly stole his weapon, killed six terrorists, and secured the nerve gas. Jack laughed to himself and said, "This is getting too easy." So, just for fun, he slit his wrists and did fifty push-ups in a pool of rubbing alcohol.

ack Bauer once stepped into quicksand. The quicksand couldn't escape and nearly drowned.

The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives.

There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand.

When someone asked Jack Bauer if he was afraid of James Bond, he replied "What does 'afraid' mean?"

When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death.

Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon.

Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them.

When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer.

Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was.

Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt.

Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair.

Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live.

Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them."

Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons.

If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".

If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service.

Jack Bauer once acted as judge, jury, and executioner; but to save time he now just acts as executioner.

Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off.

Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer.

The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition.

When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload.

Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through.

Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland.

There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television.

Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic.

If a suspect mentions your name, while being interrogated by Jack Bauer, you have a 3.26% chance of surviving the next 3 hours.

Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger.

Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a picture of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever.

When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it.

There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift.

Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.

The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer.

The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side.
__________________
"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."

Last edited by Reaper; 09-03-08 at 10:30 AM.
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Old 09-03-08, 10:32 AM   #9
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More Chuck too...

1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
2. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
3. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
4. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
5. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
6. Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
7. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
8. Chuck Norris doesn�t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
9. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
10. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
11. There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
12. Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
13. Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
14. Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
15. The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
16. If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
17. Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
18. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
19. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
20. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
21. Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
22. Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
23. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
24. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
25. A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
26. Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
27. Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
28. Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
29. The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
30. Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
31. Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
32. Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
33. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
34. Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
35. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
36. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
37. Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
38. Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
39. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother�s womb.
40. If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
41. Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
42. Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more ****** than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
43. The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
44. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
45. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
46. Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
47. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
48. There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
49. Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more *********?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
50. Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
51. Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
52. When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn�t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
53. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
54. There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
55. Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
56. A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
57. When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
58. Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
59. Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
60. Chuck Norris� house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
61. When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
62. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
63. Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
64. In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
65. Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
66. If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
67. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
68. Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
69. Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
70. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
71. While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
72. Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
73. When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
74. Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
75. Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
76. Chuck Norris doesn�t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
77. For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
78. When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
79. Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
80. When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
81. Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
82. On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
83. Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
84. Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
85. In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
86. Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
87. Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
88. Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
89. Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
90. Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
91. If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his *** kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
92. Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
93. The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
94. Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
95. You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
96. Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
97. When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
98. James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
99. Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
100. Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother�s womb.
101. Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Bonus:
Contrary to popular belief, al Qaeda were not responsible for
9-11, someone just bet chuck Norris he couldn�t roundhouse kick and airplane

Chuck Norris has always been confused to why the round house kick foot changes shoes whenever a kick is executed. Scientist have recently discovered that chucks round house kick travels faster than the speed of light causing the shoes his wear next year to appear now.
__________________
"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."
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Old 09-03-08, 09:20 PM   #10
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These don't get old!!
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I like Party Gran Belsay. She's lovely. She's a lovely woman.
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Old 09-03-08, 09:26 PM   #11
the rev leeroy brown
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Reaper View Post


45. Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
i swear to god i've just pissed myself
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People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.
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Old 09-03-08, 09:54 PM   #12
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Chuck Norris told Jack Bauer that he only killed 15 people cause he ran out of bullets. Jack told him he only killed 93 people cause he ran out of people...

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"I have decided to escape, to defy the shogun. Today I will begin walking the road to hell. But you will choose your own path. So, soon you may be seeing heaven. Choose the sword, and you will join me. Choose the ball and you join your mother, in death. You donít understand my words, but you must choose. SoÖ come boy, choose life or death."

"You would've been happier if you'd chosen to join your mother in her world. " - Ogami Itto
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Old 09-03-08, 10:17 PM   #13
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There's a facebook group like this but about Bolo Zenden.

Strange but true.
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Dreams come true. Without that possibility, nature would not incite us to have them.
John Updike

My son Foster is a fan of soccer. He was a goaltender. His brother was a defenseman.
George Gillett
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Old 11-03-08, 12:11 PM   #14
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1. Bolo Zenden doesn't score a goal. He misses!
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Old 11-03-08, 01:43 PM   #15
redmacca
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well i see the reaper has just taken away any possible chance for people to reply with their chuck or jack fact! its ok reaps, you just post them ALL!!
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Old 11-03-08, 01:46 PM   #16
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Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
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