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Old 11-12-10, 06:48 PM   #961
Stanbull
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Yoko Ono has just signed up for the next series of "I'm a celebrity get me out of here"

Show bosses think she will do really well as she has been living off a dead beatle for the last 30 years
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Old 11-12-10, 08:40 PM   #962
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Drago View Post
A woman is told she has only 24 hrs to live.
She tells her hubby & asks if they can make love one last time. Crying & upset he agrees & they have mind blowing sex.
After 12 hrs she asks again & he gives her the best oral she has ever had. With only 4 hrs left to live she begs for one last go."FUCK OFF" he said. "I'M NOT BEING FUNNY BUT I HAVE TO GET UP IN THE MORNING..YOU DON'T!!

------------------

My girlfriend told me I was a lying bastard today

















........So I slapped her with my 16 inch cock

-------------------------

What did one gay sperm say to the other gay sperm?

I can't see anything with all this shit in here

------------------------------
My missus says she keeps dreaming about being abducted by aliens.

Hope she doesn't realise it's me who's been anal probing her when she's asleep.
-----------------------------------
Cheap food for the freezer. That's why Mum's go to Iceland.

Cheap young sluts who do anything in bed. That's why Dad's go to Thailand.
-----------------------------------
My youngest brother asked where the clitoris was, back or front?
So, I explained how it's different for every girl but generally in the frontal area.
He looked disappointed.
So naturally, I asked, "what's wrong".
He said: "I think I've been sucking on my girlfriend's hemorrhoid for months".
-----------------------------------
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Old 11-12-10, 08:41 PM   #963
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Quote:
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I got a new deodorant stick today, the instructions said remove cap and push up bottom.

... I can hardly walk but when i fart the room smells lovely!!
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Old 14-12-10, 06:25 PM   #964
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Dear Santa,

Could you please send lots of warm clothes for all the children on Reeces computer?

Thank you.
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 14-12-10, 08:05 PM   #965
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
Dear Santa,

Could you please send lots of warm clothes for all the children on Reeces computer?

Thank you.
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sony will win the console war.
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Old 14-12-10, 09:38 PM   #966
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BBC News: Lady Gaga dropping Facebook for charity.

She should also think about dropping her knickers, for clarity.
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 15-12-10, 12:02 AM   #967
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rape, cancer, aids... #frankieboylejokes
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Old 16-12-10, 09:26 PM   #968
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Bloke tip: Watch anal sex on your iPhone whilst having a poo. The smell makes it more authentic.
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 18-12-10, 11:18 AM   #969
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Quote:
Originally Posted by djphal View Post
The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind, he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you want me to hang the blinds?"
Oh dear. My dad sells blinds, I followed him in to the family business so have been around them all my life. That joke is told by every fucking single customer or person. I'm just glad I'm not a nun
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Old 18-12-10, 02:08 PM   #970
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My mate used to fix tellys. The telly man customer joke is: after you've fixed telly and put the back back on customer says to him "did you find any dead cowboys and indians in there?". My mate reckons he heared it virtually every day of his telly-fixing life.
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Old 19-12-10, 01:30 PM   #971
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Quote:
Originally Posted by wavydavy View Post
My mate used to fix tellys. The telly man customer joke is: after you've fixed telly and put the back back on customer says to him "did you find any dead cowboys and indians in there?". My mate reckons he heared it virtually every day of his telly-fixing life.
Proper 70s joke that is

I'm glad I'm not a bear catcher
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Old 19-12-10, 05:10 PM   #972
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That rug really tied the room together.
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Old 21-12-10, 11:00 AM   #973
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kids can be so sweet cant they? this morning my little girl asked "do you think santa will be able to find me this year to give me my presents?" i looked down at her, smiled and told her "if the portuguese and british police forces cant find you i dont fancy his chances much!"
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Old 21-12-10, 12:24 PM   #974
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Marks And Spencers new advert states that it wouldn't be Christmas without M&S.

They're right too. It'd be Chrita
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Old 21-12-10, 01:28 PM   #975
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I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

The cruel cunt didn't even flinch when it was killed.




Too fuckin busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 22-12-10, 04:04 PM   #976
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
I saw a bloke let his dog walk straight out in front of a lorry this morning.

The cruel cunt didn't even flinch when it was killed.




Too fuckin busy standing round, trying to look cool in his sunglasses.
brilliant!!
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Old 22-12-10, 05:57 PM   #977
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I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill fucking kill you! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10. I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I ya thick cunt"
__________________
"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 22-12-10, 09:18 PM   #978
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Whats Orange and stinks of hippopotamus shit?

Zippy's Bellend!
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."


And like that… he's gone
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Old 22-12-10, 10:28 PM   #979
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In hindsight, I should have posted my Facebook status as "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 Ford", rather than "I've just fucked my 13-year-old Escort".
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Old 23-12-10, 03:09 PM   #980
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Reaper View Post
I've been sleeping with this bloke's wife and today he sent me this text:

"You go near her again and ill fucking kill you! Mark my words!"

To which I replied:

"8 out of 10. I'll requires an apostrophe and a capital I ya thick cunt"
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That rug really tied the room together.
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Old 26-12-10, 09:41 PM   #981
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Anyone follow Peter Serafinowicz @serafinowicz on twitter?

he posted then deleted a joke earlier and now apologising for the offence... but I missed it! gutted!
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Old 26-12-10, 10:07 PM   #982
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hmmm i picked up a rumour that it was just a stunt.. there was no joke...
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Old 29-12-10, 07:51 PM   #983
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Which part of the vegetable doesn't the cannibal eat?






















































































The wheelchair
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Old 05-01-11, 07:44 PM   #984
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I think people who have sex with children should be shot.

Preferably on a high definition camera.
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Old 05-01-11, 07:50 PM   #985
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Sky news: 'Blackburn after Beckham'.

Oooohhhh, someone's got a dictionary!
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Old 05-01-11, 08:00 PM   #986
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Sky news: 'Blackburn after Beckham'.

Oooohhhh, someone's got a dictionary!
vile
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Old 05-01-11, 11:36 PM   #987
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Bristol police investagating the joanna yeates case say the the murderer stole one
of her socks.........am i the only person who thinks its heather mills??
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Old 06-01-11, 01:18 AM   #988
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I've just bought a girls virginity on eBay for £2,500.

Unfortunately for her, 10 of my mates also chipped in.
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Old 11-01-11, 10:30 PM   #989
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Fat female dwarfs:

If you can bring your knees up to your chest, have the strength to hold them there with your arms and do not mind being fingered in public, you could and earn a lot of money as a novelty bowling ball.
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Old 14-01-11, 02:37 PM   #990
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I went to the doctors today, as my eyesight's been failing recently.

'Stop wanking', he said and I replied, 'oh, will that help me to see more clearly?'

'I don't know about that but it'll calm the other patients in the waiting room down'
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Old 15-01-11, 03:51 AM   #991
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A policeman in Adelaide Australia pulled over a driver who had been weaving in and out of the traffic.

He approached the car window and said "Sir I need you to blow into this breathalyzer".

The man reaches into his pocket and produces a doctor's note.

On it was written:

"This man suffers from chronic asthma.
Do not make him perform any action that may leave him short of breath".

The policeman said "Okay then I need you to come and give a blood sample"

The man produced another letter.

This one said:

”This man is a hemophiliac.
Please do not cause him to bleed in any way".

So the officer said: "Right, I need a urine sample then".

The man produces a third letter from his pocket.

It read:

"This man plays cricket for Australia; please don't take the piss out of him"

BOOM BOOM
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Old 15-01-11, 01:41 PM   #992
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King Kenny, worst caretaker since Ian Huntly
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Old 17-01-11, 11:27 PM   #993
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I'm not sure if they have changed the rules of snooker, but when I turned the Masters final on last night there were two yellows on the table.
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Old 18-01-11, 12:10 AM   #994
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Liverpool sign bent. http://bbc.in/fZgi4Z
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Old 18-01-11, 12:21 AM   #995
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I'm not sure if they have changed the rules of snooker, but when I turned the Masters final on last night there were two yellows on the table.
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Old 18-01-11, 12:32 AM   #996
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apparently the best way to make a cup of tea
is to aggitate the bag....
so every morning i slap the wife and say "2 sugars,
fat arse."
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Old 18-01-11, 10:40 AM   #997
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apparently the best way to make a cup of tea
is to aggitate the bag....
so every morning i slap the wife and say "2 sugars,
fat arse."
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Old 18-01-11, 09:38 PM   #998
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Apparently Gary Glitter is applying to be the new Aston Villa manager after he heard the strikers were Young, Bent and maybe Keane.
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Old 18-01-11, 10:15 PM   #999
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Apparently Gary Glitter is applying to be the new Aston Villa manager after he heard the strikers were Young, Bent and maybe Keane.
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Old 19-01-11, 01:30 AM   #1000
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Apparently Gary Glitter is applying to be the new Aston Villa manager after he heard the strikers were Young, Bent and maybe Keane.
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