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Old 02-05-17, 08:54 PM   #2561
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What do japanese men do when they have an erection?

Vote.

LOL
Should that not be Chinese men?
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Old 27-06-17, 11:12 PM   #2562
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Oh triffic......so while you're up the road jollying it up, it's touch your toes time for Rodney
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Old 05-07-17, 01:59 PM   #2563
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Old 06-07-17, 01:59 PM   #2564
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A talking rabbit walks into a bar asks the barman for a pint and a cheese and ham toastie. Barman says can't believe this, a talking rabbit and the rabbits like yeah, mad isn't it.

Next night the rabbits back, asks for a pint and a chicken and chorizo toastie this time. Barman again says its mental this, can't believe we've got a talking rabbit in the pub. Anyway the rabbit downs his pint, finishes his toastie and fucks off. Barman decides to call the local press, let's them know about this talking rabbit and invites them all down next night.

Next night comes, all the press are there and no sign of the rabbit. Barman and all the press are gutted.

Next night the rabbit is back. Barman says where were you last night, had the press and everything down here waiting to see you. Rabbit says I was really ill all day yesterday wasn't feeling up to it. Barman said what was wrong, rabbit says I had a bad case of mixing my toasties.
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Old 06-07-17, 03:01 PM   #2565
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That was so not worth the effort
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Old 06-07-17, 06:29 PM   #2566
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That was so not worth the effort
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Old 06-07-17, 06:29 PM   #2567
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My wife said to me "You need to stop acting like a Flamingo" so I put my foot down.
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Old 06-07-17, 06:32 PM   #2568
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Old 06-07-17, 06:37 PM   #2569
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Can I be banned from this thread please?
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Old 06-07-17, 09:08 PM   #2570
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Quote:
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Can I be banned from this thread please?


Atrocious aren't they.

I've got another shit one, I'll post it in a minute.
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Old 06-07-17, 09:11 PM   #2571
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for 1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for 1.60 and an apple pie for 2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you 2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is 1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for 1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at 2.50, but you can two for 3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is 2.25, or two for 3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for 2, or two for 3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for 2.75, or two (any combination) for 4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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Old 06-07-17, 09:30 PM   #2572
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In Jamaica you can get a steak and kidney pie for 1.75, a chicken and mushroom pie for 1.60 and an apple pie for 2.15.

In St Kitts and Nevis a steak and kidney pie will cost you 2, a chicken pie (without mushrooms) is 1.70 and a cherry pie can be yours for 1.95.

In Trinidad and Tobago, that steak and kidney pie comes in at 2.50, but you can two for 3.50, while the chicken and mushroom pie is 2.25, or two for 3.25. They also offer meat and potato pie for 2, or two for 3. Their apple pies and cherry pies are often sold for 2.75, or two (any combination) for 4.75.

Those are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
Eating all those shit pies fucked up your stomach I reckon!
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Old 06-07-17, 09:31 PM   #2573
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Eating all those shit pies fucked up your stomach I reckon!
Ha ha ha I've still got the shits you know, three weeks that is now.
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Old 06-07-17, 09:49 PM   #2574
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Ha ha ha I've still got the shits you know, three weeks that is now.
its the bad aids, shit joke payback.
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Old 06-07-17, 10:05 PM   #2575
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its the bad aids, shit joke payback.
I think it is mate, better quit with the bad jokes.
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Old 06-07-17, 10:18 PM   #2576
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That last one raised a chuckle from me
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Old 06-07-17, 10:51 PM   #2577
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Ha ha ha cheers mate!
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Old 22-08-17, 07:47 PM   #2578
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A joke about the new pound coin has been named the funniest of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe.

Ken Cheng won the 10th annual Dave's Funniest Joke Of The Fringe with: "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change."

The joke, from his show Ken Cheng: Chinese Comedian, won 33% of a public vote on a shortlist of gags picked by comedy critics.

Previous winners include Tim Vine, Stewart Francis and Zoe Lyons.

Cheng told BBC Radio 4's Today programme he was surprised the joke won the award because it had been a "groaner".

"Audiences tends to groan at it a lot," he said.

"I'm generally going after laughs, but I'll take the groan."

Cheng said he came up with the joke when the government announced plans for the new 12-sided 1 coin in 2014.

Asked to pick what joke he thought was the funniest besides his own, he said Frankie Boyle's.

Cheng studied maths at Cambridge for a year before dropping out to play online poker professionally.

His big break in showbiz came when he reached the final of the 2015 BBC Radio New Comedy Award.

On winning the Dave prize, Cheng said: "I am very proud to have won.

"As a tribute, I will name my firstborn son after this award and call him 'Joke of the Fringe'."
The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe

1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine

The award, which was voted on by 2,000 people, lists jokes anonymously to avoid any bias towards well-known comedians.

Steve North, general manager of Dave, said: "From Trump and veganism to the new pound coin, this year's news agenda has certainly also provided some great inspiration for comedians to get grips with.

"It's fantastic to see that, even after ten years of the Joke of the Fringe award, there is no shortage of brilliant one-liners delivered at the Festival to get us all laughing."

Masai Graham won last year's award with the gag: "My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He's a man after my own heart."

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-40999000
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Old 22-08-17, 08:09 PM   #2579
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These have been getting exponentially worse
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Old 23-08-17, 01:03 PM   #2580
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Apparently Brucie died of a seizure, or as Brucie would have put it

"Nice to Seizure, to Seizure nice"
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Old 23-08-17, 02:16 PM   #2581
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Ooooh. Now that's poor taste.
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Old 24-08-17, 06:27 AM   #2582
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Quick tip lads.

Never buy underpants from the Ukraine because Chernobyl fallout
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Old 26-09-17, 10:26 PM   #2583
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What do you call two fat people having a chat?

A heavy conversation.
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Old 27-09-17, 12:28 AM   #2584
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What do you call two fat people having a chat?

A heavy conversation.
you're funnier when you've had a proper drink
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Old 27-09-17, 02:17 AM   #2585
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The roads of Saudia Arabia suddenly became less safe.
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Old 29-09-17, 09:47 AM   #2586
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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.
The barman screams at the guy "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
The guy says "No, what?"
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table--whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar.
He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.
The barman is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"No, what?" replies the guy.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out, and ate it!" said the barman. "
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball,
HE MEASURES EVERY THING FIRST.
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Old 29-09-17, 10:00 AM   #2587
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BREAKING...
Everton Football Club have submitted a request to UEFA to get last nights result overturned against Cypriot minnows Apollon Limassol... Apparently the gas fitter who plays in midfield wasnt Corgi registered.....
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Old 29-09-17, 10:19 AM   #2588
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Old 29-09-17, 10:07 PM   #2589
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A Penguin goes to a Garage and says to the mechanic. "I think something's wrong my car, can you take a look at it?"

"Mechanic's like yeah, no probs. Come back in an hour."

The Penguin mooches off into town for a bit, sees an ice cream shop and buys a 99 ice cream and heads back to the Garage. By this point he has ice cream all over his mouth.

When he gets there the Mechanic says "I think you've blown a seal mate", the Penguin says "It was an ice cream not a seal"
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Old 29-09-17, 10:08 PM   #2590
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A penguin walks into a bar, puzzled look on his face and says to the Barman "I've lost my mate, have you seen him?"

Barman says "Dunno mate, what does he look like?"
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Old 03-11-17, 05:16 PM   #2591
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Knock Knock
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Old 03-11-17, 05:17 PM   #2592
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Old 04-11-17, 09:35 PM   #2593
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Ahem.....knock knock
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Old 04-11-17, 10:56 PM   #2594
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Not tonight, thanks
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Old 09-11-17, 03:05 PM   #2595
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The wife found me crouched in her wardrobe the other day.

"What you doing in there?!" she exclaimed....


"Narnia fucking business" I replied.............



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Old 09-11-17, 03:06 PM   #2596
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I've got the best knock knock joke but someone else has to start it....
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Old 09-11-17, 03:20 PM   #2597
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Knock Knock...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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Old 09-11-17, 03:35 PM   #2598
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I've got the best knock knock joke but someone else has to start it....


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Old 09-11-17, 03:37 PM   #2599
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Knock Knock...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Who's there?
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Old 09-11-17, 03:38 PM   #2600
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