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Old 02-06-08, 11:52 PM   #1
ralpal
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The worst jokes ever vol 1

How do you make a cat go woof?
cover it in petrol and throw a match, WOOF



What do you get when you cross the Atlantic Ocean with the Titanic?
Half-way.




A wealthy man decided it would be fun to have himself cloned.
The clone turned out to be an exact duplicate of the man except that it spoke nothing but extremely profane language.
After several months of listening to this, the man got fed up, took the clone up into the mountains and went to the edge of a steep cliff.
Looking around and not seeing anybody, he pushed the clone over the cliff.
Just then, a cop stepped out from behind some bushes and said, "I'm going to have to write you a ticket."
"What for?", asked the guy.
"For making an obscene clone fall."




Whats the difference between a hooker and an onion?
I don't cry when im cutting up an hooker.




The speed of light is greater than the speed of sound. That's why some people seem very bright until you hear them speak.
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Old 03-06-08, 02:23 AM   #2
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Know how to make a dog go miau?

Throw it in the fridge and 5 hours later put it on a table saw. Miau!!!

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Old 03-06-08, 11:23 AM   #3
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The speed of light is not ALWAYS greater than the speed of sound
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Old 03-06-08, 11:56 AM   #4
ralpal
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Reaper View Post
The speed of light is not ALWAYS greater than the speed of sound
I guess that's one of the reasons these qualify for the worst ever jokes.
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Old 03-06-08, 12:10 PM   #5
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doctor doctor it hurts when i do this.

then don't do that.
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Old 03-06-08, 01:16 PM   #6
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Man: " Doctor I think I'm a dog "
Doctor: " Thats strange, please get on the couch "
Man " I'm not allowed "


Doctor: " I'm sorry to tell you this but you have three minutes to live "
Man " Christ Doctor, is there nothing you can do for me "
Doctor: " I can boil you an egg ? "


Doctor: " Well, I've got good and bad news for you "
Man: " Whats the bad news doc ? "
Doctor: " Sorry but we've amputed the wrong leg "
Man " Oh my God !! whats the good news "
Doctor " Well, I think we may be able to save your bad leg "


Whats the difference between an egg and a wank ?
You can beat an egg
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Old 03-06-08, 05:18 PM   #7
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Why did George Michael have chocolate stains on his kecks ?
He was careless with his whisper
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Old 04-06-08, 03:06 PM   #8
victor barry
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Reaper View Post
The speed of light is not ALWAYS greater than the speed of sound
The speed of light is ALWAYS greater than the speed of sound- what you talkin bout, willis? I take it you have no knowledge of special relativety -Al is probably turning in his grave!
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Old 04-06-08, 05:55 PM   #9
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Hmm.. physics discussion in the jokes forum. scandalous.
Purely pedantic but in certain media I think shock waves have been measured to be faster than the speed of light in that medium... not a real life situation though.

I think the speed of light in a vacuum is constant is what special relativity was about.. and of course.. in space, no one can hear you scream...

I've sent myself to sleep now.....
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Old 07-06-08, 10:21 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tufty View Post
Man: " Doctor I think I'm a dog "
Doctor: " Thats strange, please get on the couch "
Man " I'm not allowed "


Doctor: " I'm sorry to tell you this but you have three minutes to live "
Man " Christ Doctor, is there nothing you can do for me "
Doctor: " I can boil you an egg ? "


Doctor: " Well, I've got good and bad news for you "
Man: " Whats the bad news doc ? "
Doctor: " Sorry but we've amputed the wrong leg "
Man " Oh my God !! whats the good news "
Doctor " Well, I think we may be able to save your bad leg
"


Whats the difference between an egg and a wank ?
You can beat an egg

that reminds me of a story my mate told me. He works at a glazing firm and was doing a "foreigner" with his mate one day. They were working on a conservatory while the owner was out. They were trying to get the window frame out and try as they might it just wouldnt come. So, my mate, in his infinite knowledge. Managed to strap it to the back of his van, thinking that when he drove away it would simply pull it out.
So away they go, only for their horror to find out, they pull most of the fuckin wall down with it! Now thats bad enough, but what he said to the owner was absolute genius!

Mate: "Hello pal, do you want the good news or the bad news?"
Owner: "The good news..."
Mate: "Well, you're TV still works..."
Owner: "Ok, whats the bad news?"
Mate: "Every fucker on your street is watching it!"
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Old 07-06-08, 10:23 AM   #11
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Oh and another bad joke....

Egg and Bacon in a frying pan. Egg turns to bacon and says "fuck me its hot in here". Bacon turns and says "Fuck me a talking egg!!"
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Old 07-06-08, 11:01 AM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by victor barry View Post
The speed of light is ALWAYS greater than the speed of sound- what you talkin bout, willis? I take it you have no knowledge of special relativety -Al is probably turning in his grave!
Did you know that Light has been recorded travellin as slow as 38mph?

I recall talk of an experiment in which light was sent thru frozen sodium

Im sure either Nicey or Neil Young can verify this
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."

Last edited by Reaper; 07-06-08 at 11:04 AM.
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Old 07-06-08, 11:14 AM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Reaper View Post
Did you know that Light has been recorded travellin as slow as 38mph?

I recall talk of an experiment in which light was sent thru frozen sodium

Im sure either Nicey or Neil Young can verify this
well done vic you've got him started now!
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Old 07-06-08, 12:30 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Reaper View Post
Did you know that Light has been recorded travellin as slow as 38mph?

I recall talk of an experiment in which light was sent thru frozen sodium

Im sure either Nicey or Neil Young can verify this
IIRC...

Super tightly packed atoms acting as one superatom

Requires supercooling, supervacuum and probably some other super things

Does sound actually travels faster than light through it though? Otherwise it's like saying I can beat the shit out of Tyson, and proving it on the basis that I would win if I was in fine fettle but you sprayed CS in his eyes and stuck a rhino's horn up his ass.
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Old 07-06-08, 06:12 PM   #15
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What's the difference between a Rooster & a Prostitute.....One go's Cock a doodle do....the other go's Any cock'll do.
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Old 07-06-08, 07:25 PM   #16
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Why did the chicken cross the road?




I don't know, that is why I am asking.
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Old 08-06-08, 02:36 PM   #17
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little lads out in the garden clipping plants and hedges with his dads shears

he's getting carried away and in his excitement doesn't notice his dad who's sun bathing in this shorts and snips off his cock !! h:

his dad screams out in pain which brings his mum rushing out into the garden

" What have you done ? " she screams seeing the sight

" Don't worry mum, it'll grow back, I've left the bulbs in "
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Old 08-06-08, 03:37 PM   #18
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Red_Polo View Post
IIRC...

Super tightly packed atoms acting as one superatom

Requires supercooling, supervacuum and probably some other super things

Does sound actually travels faster than light through it though? Otherwise it's like saying I can beat the shit out of Tyson, and proving it on the basis that I would win if I was in fine fettle but you sprayed CS in his eyes and stuck a rhino's horn up his ass.
Yes.
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."
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Old 08-06-08, 07:44 PM   #19
Red_Polo
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Mentalistic :geekery:
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Old 08-06-08, 08:07 PM   #20
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How do you make a Swiss Roll?

Roll him down the mountain
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Old 08-06-08, 08:13 PM   #21
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"Through me the way into the suffering city,
Through me the way to the eternal pain,
Through me the way that runs among the lost.
Justice urged on my high artificer;
My maker was divine authority,
The highest wisdom, and the primal love.
Before me nothing but eternal things were made,
And I endure eternally.
Abandon every hope, ye who enter here."
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