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Old 17-12-14, 01:56 AM   #2481
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Haha...having that one!
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Old 17-12-14, 11:58 AM   #2482
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Twin sisters in a Liverpool Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the Toxteth Evening newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing but the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa. The deaf sister said to her twin,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!"
said the other.
"Now get a little closer together,"
said the cameraman.
Again,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little,"
said the photographer.
Same again,
"WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,
"Good God!
BOTH OF US????"
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Old 19-12-14, 06:07 PM   #2483
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minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol .. . . . . . Dead .
The second worm in cigarette smoke . . .Dead .
Third worm in chocolate syrup . . . . Dead.
The Fourth worm in good clean soil . . .Alive …
So the Minister asked the congregation,
"What did you learn from this demonstration?"
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .
"If you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!
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Old 19-12-14, 06:35 PM   #2484
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Based on the first let down I'm not going to read the second one.
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Old 23-12-14, 05:40 PM   #2485
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Deleted .

Last edited by BJC; 26-12-14 at 06:39 PM. Reason: poo
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Old 23-12-14, 05:44 PM   #2486
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too soon
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Old 23-12-14, 08:06 PM   #2487
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Presumably that is the same joke that the lad from Sunderland was arrested for?
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Old 23-12-14, 08:15 PM   #2488
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Arrested for ?
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Old 23-12-14, 08:20 PM   #2489
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I don't know if it was specifically that tweet but a chap from Sunderland is being investigated for 'malicious' communication in relation to a tweet about the incident. He handed himself in to a police station last night
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Old 23-12-14, 11:32 PM   #2490
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Why did the thief go for a shower before robbing the bank?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
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Always, keep your face to the sun, and shadows will fall behind you.
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Old 23-12-14, 11:33 PM   #2491
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How did the frog die I hear you say?

He Kermit suicide.
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Always, keep your face to the sun, and shadows will fall behind you.
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Old 24-12-14, 03:19 PM   #2492
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Slinky Skills View Post
Why did the thief go for a shower before robbing the bank?

Because he wanted to make a clean getaway.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Slinky Skills View Post
How did the frog die I hear you say?

He Kermit suicide.
Have you been in the crackers early?
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Old 24-12-14, 04:03 PM   #2493
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I was going to ask the same thing Obe lol
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Old 24-12-14, 04:23 PM   #2494
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Quote:
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I don't know if it was specifically that tweet but a chap from Sunderland is being investigated for 'malicious' communication in relation to a tweet about the incident. He handed himself in to a police station last night
It was probably the "bin laden" joke that has been going around. Let's hope the police don't check this thread out.
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Old 24-12-14, 06:27 PM   #2495
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Oberon View Post
Have you been in the crackers early?
No mate, just nabbed them off a shit joke site.
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Always, keep your face to the sun, and shadows will fall behind you.
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Old 26-12-14, 03:00 AM   #2496
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Quote:
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I hate double standards...

When a woman buys a rampant rabbit, its seen as a bit of naughty fun.

But when I get out my 240 volt Fist-master 5000 electronic latex cunt with high resistance anus, immitation shit dribble & built in realistic rape cry sound system, then suddenly i'm some kind of sick pervert...
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Old 26-12-14, 12:36 PM   #2497
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My wife announced to me yesterday that she'd had enough of my sarcastic ways and was tired of me correcting her all the time.
She said "We have reached a crossroads in our relationship. I can turn right and change, to which she would stay. Or turn left and carry on in my obnoxious ways and she would leave"
I replied with "I think you will find that's a fucking 'T' junction"
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Old 26-12-14, 01:40 PM   #2498
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love it.
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Old 21-01-15, 02:06 PM   #2499
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A man sees a sign outside a house 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the
bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back
garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks, "So,
tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told MI6.

In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping.

"I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much
he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden.
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Old 21-01-15, 07:39 PM   #2500
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I love that joke and have done since my childhood
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Old 21-01-15, 09:02 PM   #2501
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It won Best Joke of World War 2 according to its Wikipedia entry.
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Old 12-02-15, 06:38 PM   #2502
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I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but his paintings of lesbian tramps fingering goats are truly amazing.
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Old 12-02-15, 06:56 PM   #2503
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"paintings of lesbian tramps fingering goats"

Not the best of search words
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Old 12-02-15, 08:16 PM   #2504
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I don't know who this Rorschach guy is, but his paintings of lesbian tramps fingering goats are truly amazing.
LOL, very good!
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Old 12-02-15, 09:58 PM   #2505
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"paintings of lesbian tramps fingering goats"

Not the best of search words
Think you were meant to search for ink blots?
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Old 02-03-15, 10:19 PM   #2506
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The inventor of throat lozenges has died.


They'll be no coffin at his funeral
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Old 06-04-15, 02:31 PM   #2507
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"I will make the boys feel your support"
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Old 30-04-15, 10:52 AM   #2508
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sex is like bridge. If you dont have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand...
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Old 02-05-15, 08:33 AM   #2509
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What do you call the security guards outside of the Samsung shop?

The Guardians of the Galaxy.
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Klopp on LFC vs MUFC (March 9th 2016) - "This is why I love football. This is why we watched it when we were young. I can still not have enough of it."


Always, keep your face to the sun, and shadows will fall behind you.
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Old 02-05-15, 09:55 AM   #2510
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Old 02-05-15, 12:38 PM   #2511
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^^ Sweet Jesus. ...that's dreadful !



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Old 06-07-15, 10:46 PM   #2512
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What's 12 inches long & snaps a cunt?





A selfie stick.
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Old 07-07-15, 01:18 PM   #2513
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What's 12 inches long & snaps a cunt?





A selfie stick.
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Old 13-07-15, 03:31 PM   #2514
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British weather is like a Muslim


Its either Sunni or Shi'ite...
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Old 13-07-15, 03:42 PM   #2515
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Haha.
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Old 20-08-15, 09:44 AM   #2516
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A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher. He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher said, "Okay , but don't go in that field over there.....", as he pointed o
ut the location.
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me!" Reaching into his rear pants pocket, the arrogant officer removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher. "See this fucking badge?! This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land !! No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear?.... do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....

"Your badge, show him your fucking BADGE!!"
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Old 24-09-15, 08:39 PM   #2517
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My Grandad just said to me "Liverpool are shite this year lad." I said "tell me something I don't know grandad.
He replied "your Nana's arse can take my whole fist!"
Just posted this to Facebook. Caused a bit of a stir
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Old 24-09-15, 09:18 PM   #2518
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Old 24-09-15, 10:36 PM   #2519
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Old 27-09-15, 09:52 PM   #2520
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Why do you never see dogs hiding up trees?

















































































Because they're really good at it.
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