Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roy Keane's Throbbing Vein; and Pauline Fowler's Knickers
Barry Glendenning and Georgina Turner
Tuesday August 29, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
ROY KEANE'S SUNDERLAND DIARY - TUESDAY AUGUST 29, 2006
7.30am: Wake up in hotel after poor night's sleep. Mint hadn't been left on pillow and room service never arrived. Muppets! This wouldn't happen in Manchester. Decide to quit and go home.
7.32am: Change mind and go into bathroom for a shave. Damn! Forgot to bring razor. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Scream at my reflection in mirror until it cowers in terror. Decide to quit and go home.
7.35am: Change mind, decide to calm down with brief workout, only to discover yoga mat hasn't arrived. Call Mick McCarthy and tell him to stick it up his bollix. Decide to quit and go home.
7.40am: Change mind and write "to do" list: 1. Get Sunderland out of the relegation zone. 2. Send hampers full of kit, isotonic drinks, footballs and training cones to Late Wembley in preparation for 2011 FA Cup final. We might be in it.
7.42am: Decide to err on the side of caution by sending hampers to Cardiff too. Late Wembley might not be ready.
7.45am: Drag Triggs around Sunderland on end of lead. He clearly prefers Cheshire. Decide to quit and go home.
10am: Change mind and go for breakfast. Demand fresh fruit, cereal and pasta, but all they have left is kippers. Bah! Dead fish go with the flow.
10.05am: With vein in temple throbbing, demand to see hotel manager. Scream in his face, pull his arm off and beat him over the head with soggy end. "Take that you ****. And that! And don't accuse me of faking injuries again."
10.30am: Spend two hours trying to insert clothes hanger in mouth in preparation for meeting press. If they see me smiling they might not be so frightened.
12.30pm: Order fleet of 100 taxis and tell each of them to lead me to the Stadium Of Light so I can follow them. I don't want to get lost and be late on my first day.
12.35pm: Gridlock! Abandon car and run to stadium. Traffic in Sunderland is terrible. What's with all these taxis?
1pm: Sit down beside my new boss, Niall. Chair is too hard. This wouldn't happen at Old Trafford. Decide to quit and go home.
1.01pm: Change mind, field questions and put paid to unfair reputation as psychotic Irishman by giving thoughtful, intelligent answers.
On my relationship with Mother Teresa: "I think it will be fine. A lot of people are making a big issue out of the past but we sorted it out a few months ago. I think it's important to move on."
On my reputation as a perfectionist: "All I expected from my team-mates was 100%. I never criticised people for having bad games, I criticised people for slacking off and not being focused on the job."
On taking the Sunderland job: "It's been a very hectic few days, I'm absolutely knackered already. Sunderland is a big club, with a beautiful stadium, a big fan base and I thought 'why not?'" On my plans for the season: "Win the next game. I've brought Tony [Loughlan, head coach] with me; there are already good coaches at the club so I'm not looking to make too many changes too quickly. The players and staff deserve their chance."
1.30pm: Leave press conference without reducing any hacks to tears. Decide to quit and go home.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"An expensive mistake? I would not accept that notion" - FA chief executive Brian Barwick still doesn't reckon he overspent on £5m-a-year Sven.
*********************
GENEROUS TO A FAULT, GEORGINA TURNER GIVES YOU HER LAST FIVER
Despite the perfect roundness of his face, the almost complete absence of hair from his head and a jaw set to chew concrete, Spurs boss Martin Jol wasn't portrayed by the Fiver as the third Mitchell brother when he arrived in England two years ago. Instead we chose to liken him to Tony Soprano. But, not for the first time, we were wrong. Because it turns out Jol was determined to create a White Hart Square filled with Beeb-style East End misery all along.
After Saturday's godawful defeat to Everton, Jol is believed to have broken up a dressing-room fight between Edgar Davids and Didier Zokora, wading in with a throaty "Shut it, you sl@g!" before dishing out a couple of tight-lipped glares and adjusting the collar of his ill-fitting leather jacket. Now the grief-o-meter has been cranked up to "11 - Wellard's just mauled Pauline's knickers" with the return of moody striker Mido after Spurs agreed to send Lee Young-pyo to Emmerda ... sorry, Roma as part of a permanent deal.
"We've been tracking Mido since his loan ended and we were always keen to bring him back," gravel-voiced Jol, flashing his incisors at a Roma suit who was trying to book the hapless Young-pyo into the Arches for a service. "Roma took persuading and I'm delighted to have him. He knows I like him as a player, his strength in the air and his mentality. It's an excellent addition to the squad and our striking options are now complete."
"I'm very happy to be back," monotoned Mido, supping a pint of non-specific at the Vic. "It was and it always will be a great honour for me to play for Tottenham." At this point Mido seemed to feel he had done enough, but soon heard the crack of Jol's knuckles. "It is a fantastic move, I can't wait to pull on a Tottenham shirt and score some goals," he added frantically, narrowly avoiding sending the grief-o-meter up to "12 - Pauline was still in them at the time".
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Lord Ferg will get over his Owen Hargreaves disappointment by splashing £12m on David Trezeguet.
Thomas Gravesen has passed a medical at the Queen's Celtic but won't sign on the dotted line until he's absolutely sure he has no other options.
And Didier Drogba has been seen having candlelit dinners with Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani in the Italian capital.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fabio Capello's new-look Real Madrid may be boring, but they will also be hard to beat, says Sid Lowe.
"You could beat them and still be humiliated" - Kevin McCarra rails against the growing presence of uncompetitive 'micro-countries' in international football.
Check out our new sport blog for the liveliest debate on the web.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Slippery Pete Kenyon has been searching frantically for Roman's chequebook after it emerged Ronaldinho was left out of Barcelona's La Liga opener for skipping training on Saturday.
Real Betis have signed Germany winger David Odonkor from Borussia Dortmund for £4m.
And Manchester City will extend Ben Thatcher's in-house ban to stop him from nobbling any Reading players when City visit the Madejski on September 11.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Is that Mackem who wrote to you at the start of last season still hoarding articles having a go at Sunderland so he can shove them back down our throats when they prove us all wrong?" - Patrick Ebbutt.
"Re: the many nit-pickers who took issue with the Fiver's well-intentioned joke regarding the proximity of Sunderland's players to Roy Keane. Barring a trip into space, the farthest away from Keano they could be would be in a plane over the exact antipodal point of the Stadium of Light. This is in the South Pacific, south east of New Zealand, with the closest point on land for a stop-over being a place called Campbell Island. Nobody lives on Campbell Island, but if it's any consolation to Dean Whitehead and the boys, it was declared rat-free in 2003" - James Peebles.
"So 'Arry Redknapp reckons Thatcher's smash on Mendes was 'one of the worst incidents I've ever seen in the game' and hopes 'the FA can take the most appropriate action possible'? I take it this is a different 'Arry from the one who said 'punches will be thrown because players are competitive and these things happen' when excusing John Hartson for mistaking for Eyal Berkovic's head for a ball" - Jason Rohan.
"Re: Ben Thatcher's elbow. Are we all not in danger of letting the hysteria over this deter us from what we should really be doing? Namely, continuing to blame Cristiano Ronaldo for England not winning the World Cup, which we surely would have done had we not pretended he'd waved an imaginary card?" - Gareth Bayford.
"Re: Dan Cornish's letter wondering if the recent headlines devoted to Sunderland are evidence of a Mackem-centric, anti-London bias? If anything, it is proof of a London-centric anti-Liverpool bias that seeks to ignore Liverpool's Big Cup triumph in 2005 by removing all mention of it from the headlines and replacing it with news of bottom-feeding Championship clubs" - Phil Marion.
"Re: the prickliness of Mohican hedgehogs (Fivers passim). If you watch The Last of the Mohicans, you'll see it was the Hurons that had the sides of their heads shaved - the Mohican had a full head of hair, and wore it long. So, a Mohican hedgehog would be more like a porcupine, which is very prickly" - Miles (and others).
Send your letters to [email protected]". The best one each day will win a copy of All The Goals Of The 2006 World Cup. Today's winner: James Peebles.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: Big Ron Manager (10pm)
We gave you a whole bank holiday to tell us about times you had taken on the law and lost.
Sky Sports 1: You're on Sky Sports (10pm)
The general emptiness of our Tuesday morning inbox, however, suggests that the overwhelming majority of Fiver readers are an impressively law-abiding bunch.
Football Asia (11pm)
Or in jail.
Sky Sports 2: Live Football League: Northampton Town v Bristol City (7.30pm)
But James Townrow's a little more honest.
Bravo : The Real Football Factories (9pm)
"Whilst at college I broke my wrist playing rugby and had to go into plaster from my wrist to just under my shoulder," he begins.
Sky Two: Greatest Goals against the MU Rowdies (10.50pm)
"The next week I was convinced to go out on the town with my mates, who somehow got into a massive scrap with some local nutters.
ESPN Classic: MU Rowdies v Liverpool from November 11, 1972 (6pm)
"Obviously I just stood back, watched and chuckled, until suddenly a police van flew round the corner to break it up.
Liverpool v MU Rowdies from February 25, 1978 (10pm)
"My so-called 'mates' legged it, leaving me to deal with the coppers since I was sober and innocent.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"But one of Her Majesty's finest decided I was obviously the ringleader and proceeded to tell me that I could be done for assault with an offensive weapon - the cast on my swollen, tender, useless, BROKEN arm.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I mentioned this to him, but all I got in return was a 10-minute lecture on the sorts of injuries this guy had seen in his years on the force. He should have charged himself with wasting police time, the git."
Newstalk106: Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
But why didn't you just run away too, James? Seriously now, have any other readers ever had a brush with authority? Tell [email protected] in an email marked: It Was Like That When I Got Here, Officer.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THERE IS A SQUALID, CHAMPAGNE FLUTE-LITTERED CORNER OF FIVER TOWERS THAT WILL BE FOREVER TURNER'S
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email [email protected].
* * * * * * * * * * *
Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2006. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
Win prizes worth £75,000!
It's not too late to enter your Premiership squad and compete for weekly, monthly and overall prizes. Sign up now.
Win tickets to see Brazil play Argentina
Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium plays host to Brazil and Argentina on September 3, and we have a pair of tickets to give away.
Guardian Football shop
Design your own supporter t-shirts and accessories.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Roy Keane's Throbbing Vein; and Pauline Fowler's Knickers
Barry Glendenning and Georgina Turner
Tuesday August 29, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
ROY KEANE'S SUNDERLAND DIARY - TUESDAY AUGUST 29, 2006
7.30am: Wake up in hotel after poor night's sleep. Mint hadn't been left on pillow and room service never arrived. Muppets! This wouldn't happen in Manchester. Decide to quit and go home.
7.32am: Change mind and go into bathroom for a shave. Damn! Forgot to bring razor. Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. Scream at my reflection in mirror until it cowers in terror. Decide to quit and go home.
7.35am: Change mind, decide to calm down with brief workout, only to discover yoga mat hasn't arrived. Call Mick McCarthy and tell him to stick it up his bollix. Decide to quit and go home.
7.40am: Change mind and write "to do" list: 1. Get Sunderland out of the relegation zone. 2. Send hampers full of kit, isotonic drinks, footballs and training cones to Late Wembley in preparation for 2011 FA Cup final. We might be in it.
7.42am: Decide to err on the side of caution by sending hampers to Cardiff too. Late Wembley might not be ready.
7.45am: Drag Triggs around Sunderland on end of lead. He clearly prefers Cheshire. Decide to quit and go home.
10am: Change mind and go for breakfast. Demand fresh fruit, cereal and pasta, but all they have left is kippers. Bah! Dead fish go with the flow.
10.05am: With vein in temple throbbing, demand to see hotel manager. Scream in his face, pull his arm off and beat him over the head with soggy end. "Take that you ****. And that! And don't accuse me of faking injuries again."
10.30am: Spend two hours trying to insert clothes hanger in mouth in preparation for meeting press. If they see me smiling they might not be so frightened.
12.30pm: Order fleet of 100 taxis and tell each of them to lead me to the Stadium Of Light so I can follow them. I don't want to get lost and be late on my first day.
12.35pm: Gridlock! Abandon car and run to stadium. Traffic in Sunderland is terrible. What's with all these taxis?
1pm: Sit down beside my new boss, Niall. Chair is too hard. This wouldn't happen at Old Trafford. Decide to quit and go home.
1.01pm: Change mind, field questions and put paid to unfair reputation as psychotic Irishman by giving thoughtful, intelligent answers.
On my relationship with Mother Teresa: "I think it will be fine. A lot of people are making a big issue out of the past but we sorted it out a few months ago. I think it's important to move on."
On my reputation as a perfectionist: "All I expected from my team-mates was 100%. I never criticised people for having bad games, I criticised people for slacking off and not being focused on the job."
On taking the Sunderland job: "It's been a very hectic few days, I'm absolutely knackered already. Sunderland is a big club, with a beautiful stadium, a big fan base and I thought 'why not?'" On my plans for the season: "Win the next game. I've brought Tony [Loughlan, head coach] with me; there are already good coaches at the club so I'm not looking to make too many changes too quickly. The players and staff deserve their chance."
1.30pm: Leave press conference without reducing any hacks to tears. Decide to quit and go home.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"An expensive mistake? I would not accept that notion" - FA chief executive Brian Barwick still doesn't reckon he overspent on £5m-a-year Sven.
*********************
GENEROUS TO A FAULT, GEORGINA TURNER GIVES YOU HER LAST FIVER
Despite the perfect roundness of his face, the almost complete absence of hair from his head and a jaw set to chew concrete, Spurs boss Martin Jol wasn't portrayed by the Fiver as the third Mitchell brother when he arrived in England two years ago. Instead we chose to liken him to Tony Soprano. But, not for the first time, we were wrong. Because it turns out Jol was determined to create a White Hart Square filled with Beeb-style East End misery all along.
After Saturday's godawful defeat to Everton, Jol is believed to have broken up a dressing-room fight between Edgar Davids and Didier Zokora, wading in with a throaty "Shut it, you sl@g!" before dishing out a couple of tight-lipped glares and adjusting the collar of his ill-fitting leather jacket. Now the grief-o-meter has been cranked up to "11 - Wellard's just mauled Pauline's knickers" with the return of moody striker Mido after Spurs agreed to send Lee Young-pyo to Emmerda ... sorry, Roma as part of a permanent deal.
"We've been tracking Mido since his loan ended and we were always keen to bring him back," gravel-voiced Jol, flashing his incisors at a Roma suit who was trying to book the hapless Young-pyo into the Arches for a service. "Roma took persuading and I'm delighted to have him. He knows I like him as a player, his strength in the air and his mentality. It's an excellent addition to the squad and our striking options are now complete."
"I'm very happy to be back," monotoned Mido, supping a pint of non-specific at the Vic. "It was and it always will be a great honour for me to play for Tottenham." At this point Mido seemed to feel he had done enough, but soon heard the crack of Jol's knuckles. "It is a fantastic move, I can't wait to pull on a Tottenham shirt and score some goals," he added frantically, narrowly avoiding sending the grief-o-meter up to "12 - Pauline was still in them at the time".
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
Lord Ferg will get over his Owen Hargreaves disappointment by splashing £12m on David Trezeguet.
Thomas Gravesen has passed a medical at the Queen's Celtic but won't sign on the dotted line until he's absolutely sure he has no other options.
And Didier Drogba has been seen having candlelit dinners with Milan vice-president Adriano Galliani in the Italian capital.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Fabio Capello's new-look Real Madrid may be boring, but they will also be hard to beat, says Sid Lowe.
"You could beat them and still be humiliated" - Kevin McCarra rails against the growing presence of uncompetitive 'micro-countries' in international football.
Check out our new sport blog for the liveliest debate on the web.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Slippery Pete Kenyon has been searching frantically for Roman's chequebook after it emerged Ronaldinho was left out of Barcelona's La Liga opener for skipping training on Saturday.
Real Betis have signed Germany winger David Odonkor from Borussia Dortmund for £4m.
And Manchester City will extend Ben Thatcher's in-house ban to stop him from nobbling any Reading players when City visit the Madejski on September 11.
* * * * * * * * * *
FIVER LETTERS
"Is that Mackem who wrote to you at the start of last season still hoarding articles having a go at Sunderland so he can shove them back down our throats when they prove us all wrong?" - Patrick Ebbutt.
"Re: the many nit-pickers who took issue with the Fiver's well-intentioned joke regarding the proximity of Sunderland's players to Roy Keane. Barring a trip into space, the farthest away from Keano they could be would be in a plane over the exact antipodal point of the Stadium of Light. This is in the South Pacific, south east of New Zealand, with the closest point on land for a stop-over being a place called Campbell Island. Nobody lives on Campbell Island, but if it's any consolation to Dean Whitehead and the boys, it was declared rat-free in 2003" - James Peebles.
"So 'Arry Redknapp reckons Thatcher's smash on Mendes was 'one of the worst incidents I've ever seen in the game' and hopes 'the FA can take the most appropriate action possible'? I take it this is a different 'Arry from the one who said 'punches will be thrown because players are competitive and these things happen' when excusing John Hartson for mistaking for Eyal Berkovic's head for a ball" - Jason Rohan.
"Re: Ben Thatcher's elbow. Are we all not in danger of letting the hysteria over this deter us from what we should really be doing? Namely, continuing to blame Cristiano Ronaldo for England not winning the World Cup, which we surely would have done had we not pretended he'd waved an imaginary card?" - Gareth Bayford.
"Re: Dan Cornish's letter wondering if the recent headlines devoted to Sunderland are evidence of a Mackem-centric, anti-London bias? If anything, it is proof of a London-centric anti-Liverpool bias that seeks to ignore Liverpool's Big Cup triumph in 2005 by removing all mention of it from the headlines and replacing it with news of bottom-feeding Championship clubs" - Phil Marion.
"Re: the prickliness of Mohican hedgehogs (Fivers passim). If you watch The Last of the Mohicans, you'll see it was the Hurons that had the sides of their heads shaved - the Mohican had a full head of hair, and wore it long. So, a Mohican hedgehog would be more like a porcupine, which is very prickly" - Miles (and others).
Send your letters to [email protected]". The best one each day will win a copy of All The Goals Of The 2006 World Cup. Today's winner: James Peebles.
* * * * * * * * * * *
TONIGHT'S TV & RADIO
Sky One: Big Ron Manager (10pm)
We gave you a whole bank holiday to tell us about times you had taken on the law and lost.
Sky Sports 1: You're on Sky Sports (10pm)
The general emptiness of our Tuesday morning inbox, however, suggests that the overwhelming majority of Fiver readers are an impressively law-abiding bunch.
Football Asia (11pm)
Or in jail.
Sky Sports 2: Live Football League: Northampton Town v Bristol City (7.30pm)
But James Townrow's a little more honest.
Bravo : The Real Football Factories (9pm)
"Whilst at college I broke my wrist playing rugby and had to go into plaster from my wrist to just under my shoulder," he begins.
Sky Two: Greatest Goals against the MU Rowdies (10.50pm)
"The next week I was convinced to go out on the town with my mates, who somehow got into a massive scrap with some local nutters.
ESPN Classic: MU Rowdies v Liverpool from November 11, 1972 (6pm)
"Obviously I just stood back, watched and chuckled, until suddenly a police van flew round the corner to break it up.
Liverpool v MU Rowdies from February 25, 1978 (10pm)
"My so-called 'mates' legged it, leaving me to deal with the coppers since I was sober and innocent.
Talksport: Kick-Off (7pm)
"But one of Her Majesty's finest decided I was obviously the ringleader and proceeded to tell me that I could be done for assault with an offensive weapon - the cast on my swollen, tender, useless, BROKEN arm.
Radio Five Live: Sport On Five (7pm)
"I mentioned this to him, but all I got in return was a 10-minute lecture on the sorts of injuries this guy had seen in his years on the force. He should have charged himself with wasting police time, the git."
Newstalk106: Off the ball with Ger Gilroy (7pm)
But why didn't you just run away too, James? Seriously now, have any other readers ever had a brush with authority? Tell [email protected] in an email marked: It Was Like That When I Got Here, Officer.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
THERE IS A SQUALID, CHAMPAGNE FLUTE-LITTERED CORNER OF FIVER TOWERS THAT WILL BE FOREVER TURNER'S
* * * * * * * * * * * *
SUBSCRIBE TO THE FIVER
You can subscribe and unsubscribe at http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/fiver
* * * * * * * * * * * *
CONTACT THE FIVER
If you want to contact the Fiver, email [email protected].
* * * * * * * * * * *
Guardian Unlimited (c) Guardian Newspapers Limited 2006. Registered in England and Wales. No.908396. Registered office: 164 Deansgate, Manchester.
Win prizes worth £75,000!
It's not too late to enter your Premiership squad and compete for weekly, monthly and overall prizes. Sign up now.
Win tickets to see Brazil play Argentina
Arsenal's new Emirates Stadium plays host to Brazil and Argentina on September 3, and we have a pair of tickets to give away.
Guardian Football shop
Design your own supporter t-shirts and accessories.
Comment