From dodgy rumours.....
Newcastle United are in talks with a huge medicine/surgery company to bring about a new method of surgery that will prevent Newcastle fans from disappearing up their own bottoms. Mike Ashley is concerned that terraces at St. James's Park will be deserted if Newcastle fans continue to be sucked up their own fundaments due to hysteric self–congratulation and pompous, delusional windbAggery, aggravated by an obsequious, unquestioning media. This intricate rump–based surgical breakthrough will hopefully prevent the Newcastle faithful from vanishing altogether and perhaps bring about resultant humility and modesty as a consequence of such a process.