Volzy

[Ben_Itez]

'The other quality observation from Funday Sunday came when a player went down injured. The lino shouts, “Oi, Mikey! Water!” So the assistant comes on with a bucket of water and next thing the player’s up and running around! I mean, is that some kind of holy water or what? It seemed to have magic powers that just washed the pain away.'

DYSON, DYSON BUCKET!

[Shaggy]

'The other quality observation from Funday Sunday came when a player went down injured. The lino shouts, “Oi, Mikey! Water!” So the assistant comes on with a bucket of water and next thing the player’s up and running around! I mean, is that some kind of holy water or what? It seemed to have magic powers that just washed the pain away.'

DYSON, DYSON BUCKET!

[Ben_Itez]

Hahaha

Amongst the best articles ive seen for a while from a pro. The Sunday league stuff is hilarious.....'Who wants it?'

[Shaggy]

Haha yeah - "I mean, we all know he’s just going to smack it and hope it stays on the pitch, but the shout implies that he’ll deliver it to the nearest centimetre". Some classics. 'All day long' is a cracker. One lad in my old team used to shout that every single time some opposition lad hit a shot from distance. The same lad also used to shout "have a dip!" when in range, and "GAMBLE!" to me when I played up front.

[Ben_Itez]

Haha yeah - "I mean, we all know he’s just going to smack it and hope it stays on the pitch, but the shout implies that he’ll deliver it to the nearest centimetre". Some classics. 'All day long' is a cracker. One lad in my old team used to shout that every single time some opposition lad hit a shot from distance. The same lad also used to shout "have a dip!" when in range, and "GAMBLE!" to me when I played up front.

Knowing full well you wouldnt have the legs to go through on goal

[Shaggy]

Just had a wonderful morning out the back watching some Sunday football.

I headed to the fields behind my house and made for the loudest game. It was utterly comical.

I arrived to see Reds v Yellows (Top Bull v Chorlton summat or other). The first shout out I heard was "ALL DAY LONG!". . Both teams were arguing amongst themselves continually. It was so funny. The referee wasn't wearing ref gear and sported a comically enormous pot belly. I figured he was from the Reds. Within minutes he awarded the Reds a penalty to cries of "you ****ing cheating cunts". Chaos ensued, the ref chucks his whistle to the ground and wobbled off. "I don't need this fookin' ****." He headed right for me..."you think I got that wrong?"...

It was a penalty in my eyes and I told him. He then starts to march back towards the melee shouting "this bloke 'ere says it was a pen and he's ****in neutral!".

There were two men on the touchline who could've taken over as ref - me and another fella, who seemed to be connected to the yellows, plus a 'sub' for the yellows (more on that later). They didn't appear to have a manager. One player said to me "fancy reffin' it mate?", paying no attention to the baby I had in a sling against my chest. The other fella took the whistle while fatty ex-ref is on the pitch now rowing with one of his teammates, their Rastafarian keeper.

The Rasta in goal paid no attention to the game, standing there with his arms folded. He got caught out by a clearance, noticed it too late and watched it sail over his head. As he desperately back-pedalled, he fell over and did his ankle.

Half time came and I was right by the yellows. They were all smoking and texting, with one or two randomly shouting out the usual cliches. "Keep our shape and we'll murder these, they're ****in ****.....hey Macca, twos on that mate?"

Why is the one remotely pacey, tricky winger always called Macca??

On the other side of the pitch, wobbly belly ex-ref is still rowing with Rasta keeper. "I used to be a keeper, you know it, I'm better than you'll ever be, you're a ****in cunt. **** off. **** off you long-haired cunt."

It transpires their regular keeper hadn't turned up. Fatty ex-ref takes over from Rasta in goal. A yellow shouts "shoot on sight now lads, this fat cunt must be ****, we owe him for that pen, lets tek t'fookin' piss".

A minute later, someone wafts a cross-cum shot that should be meat and drink to anyone who can catch. He could've headed it clear, chested it. Instead he flops hilariously through the air, clasps pathetically at thin air, and the ball squirms through his fingers for a goal. Cue more comical rowing between themselves.

Another cracking Sunday league cliche followed. The Yellows had made it 4-1...and their burly central defender wails "nil-nil lads, it's nil-nil!"

The yellows had one spare player on the touchline all the time. I dunno if it's regular practice for them or they were taking advantage of the refereeing farce, but one lad would go "I need to take five mate, on you go"...and he'd trot off to take a break, smoke a fag and they'd go again....continually rolling players on and off for fag breaks. One of the Reds noticed and said "hang on, last time I looked their right-back were black! They're tekkin' t'piss!"

The yellows won 6-2 and as we all trudged away, fatty ex-ref-cum-comical keeper is rowing with, seemingly, each and every one of his 10 outfield mates. Popular chap.

[dom9]

Just had a wonderful morning out the back watching some Sunday football.

I headed to the fields behind my house and made for the loudest game. It was utterly comical.

I arrived to see Reds v Yellows (Top Bull v Chorlton summat or other). The first shout out I heard was "ALL DAY LONG!". . Both teams were arguing amongst themselves continually. It was so funny. The referee wasn't wearing ref gear and sported a comically enormous pot belly. I figured he was from the Reds. Within minutes he awarded the Reds a penalty to cries of "you ****ing cheating cunts". Chaos ensued, the ref chucks his whistle to the ground and wobbled off. "I don't need this fookin' ****." He headed right for me..."you think I got that wrong?"...

It was a penalty in my eyes and I told him. He then starts to march back towards the melee shouting "this bloke 'ere says it was a pen and he's ****in neutral!".

There were two men on the touchline who could've taken over as ref - me and another fella, who seemed to be connected to the yellows, plus a 'sub' for the yellows (more on that later). They didn't appear to have a manager. One player said to me "fancy reffin' it mate?", paying no attention to the baby I had in a sling against my chest. The other fella took the whistle while fatty ex-ref is on the pitch now rowing with one of his teammates, their Rastafarian keeper.

The Rasta in goal paid no attention to the game, standing there with his arms folded. He got caught out by a clearance, noticed it too late and watched it sail over his head. As he desperately back-pedalled, he fell over and did his ankle.

Half time came and I was right by the yellows. They were all smoking and texting, with one or two randomly shouting out the usual cliches. "Keep our shape and we'll murder these, they're ****in ****.....hey Macca, twos on that mate?"

Why is the one remotely pacey, tricky winger always called Macca??

On the other side of the pitch, wobbly belly ex-ref is still rowing with Rasta keeper. "I used to be a keeper, you know it, I'm better than you'll ever be, you're a ****in cunt. **** off. **** off you long-haired cunt."

It transpires their regular keeper hadn't turned up. Fatty ex-ref takes over from Rasta in goal. A yellow shouts "shoot on sight now lads, this fat cunt must be ****, we owe him for that pen, lets tek t'fookin' piss".

A minute later, someone wafts a cross-cum shot that should be meat and drink to anyone who can catch. He could've headed it clear, chested it. Instead he flops hilariously through the air, clasps pathetically at thin air, and the ball squirms through his fingers for a goal. Cue more comical rowing between themselves.

Another cracking Sunday league cliche followed. The Yellows had made it 4-1...and their burly central defender wails "nil-nil lads, it's nil-nil!"

The yellows had one spare player on the touchline all the time. I dunno if it's regular practice for them or they were taking advantage of the refereeing farce, but one lad would go "I need to take five mate, on you go"...and he'd trot off to take a break, smoke a fag and they'd go again....continually rolling players on and off for fag breaks. One of the Reds noticed and said "hang on, last time I looked their right-back were black! They're tekkin' t'piss!"

The yellows won 6-2 and as we all trudged away, fatty ex-ref-cum-comical keeper is rowing with, seemingly, each and every one of his 10 outfield mates. Popular chap.

****ing hell.

[Guest]

Not sure if he's really writing these. He isn't English as I know and there's no way he'd grasp the intricacies of the language as quickly.

[dom9]

Why not, he's been here a long time, and English is taught at school in most countries. He's obciously an intelligent chap. Won't be long before one of the broadsheets picks him for 'blogwork'.

I must say I completely missed this thread before today. Utter genius.

[Guest]

Why not, he's been here a long time, and English is taught at school in most countries. He's obciously an intelligent chap. Won't be long before one of the broadsheets picks him for 'blogwork'.

I must say I completely missed this thread before today. Utter genius.

Not saying that he can't but it would surprise me. But yes, it is very possible that he's a very cultured and talented guy, off the pitch.

[MindGuerrillas]

Not sure if he's really writing these. He isn't English as I know and there's no way he'd grasp the intricacies of the language as quickly.

They did a feature on him on Soccer Saturday last season where they followed him around for the day with a camera. He's definitely capable of writing these himself as his English then was perfect.

[Guest]

They did a feature on him on Soccer Saturday last season where they followed him around for the day with a camera. He's definitely capable of writing these himself as his English then was perfect.

[-V-]

He's been in the country for 10 years and you have to guess he probably already spoke some english before he came over.

Good reading though, i like

[dom9]

Just had a wonderful morning out the back watching some Sunday football.

I headed to the fields behind my house and made for the loudest game. It was utterly comical.

I arrived to see Reds v Yellows (Top Bull v Chorlton summat or other). The first shout out I heard was "ALL DAY LONG!". . Both teams were arguing amongst themselves continually. It was so funny. The referee wasn't wearing ref gear and sported a comically enormous pot belly. I figured he was from the Reds. Within minutes he awarded the Reds a penalty to cries of "you ****ing cheating cunts". Chaos ensued, the ref chucks his whistle to the ground and wobbled off. "I don't need this fookin' ****." He headed right for me..."you think I got that wrong?"...

It was a penalty in my eyes and I told him. He then starts to march back towards the melee shouting "this bloke 'ere says it was a pen and he's ****in neutral!".

There were two men on the touchline who could've taken over as ref - me and another fella, who seemed to be connected to the yellows, plus a 'sub' for the yellows (more on that later). They didn't appear to have a manager. One player said to me "fancy reffin' it mate?", paying no attention to the baby I had in a sling against my chest. The other fella took the whistle while fatty ex-ref is on the pitch now rowing with one of his teammates, their Rastafarian keeper.

The Rasta in goal paid no attention to the game, standing there with his arms folded. He got caught out by a clearance, noticed it too late and watched it sail over his head. As he desperately back-pedalled, he fell over and did his ankle.

Half time came and I was right by the yellows. They were all smoking and texting, with one or two randomly shouting out the usual cliches. "Keep our shape and we'll murder these, they're ****in ****.....hey Macca, twos on that mate?"

Why is the one remotely pacey, tricky winger always called Macca??

On the other side of the pitch, wobbly belly ex-ref is still rowing with Rasta keeper. "I used to be a keeper, you know it, I'm better than you'll ever be, you're a ****in cunt. **** off. **** off you long-haired cunt."

It transpires their regular keeper hadn't turned up. Fatty ex-ref takes over from Rasta in goal. A yellow shouts "shoot on sight now lads, this fat cunt must be ****, we owe him for that pen, lets tek t'fookin' piss".

A minute later, someone wafts a cross-cum shot that should be meat and drink to anyone who can catch. He could've headed it clear, chested it. Instead he flops hilariously through the air, clasps pathetically at thin air, and the ball squirms through his fingers for a goal. Cue more comical rowing between themselves.

Another cracking Sunday league cliche followed. The Yellows had made it 4-1...and their burly central defender wails "nil-nil lads, it's nil-nil!"

The yellows had one spare player on the touchline all the time. I dunno if it's regular practice for them or they were taking advantage of the refereeing farce, but one lad would go "I need to take five mate, on you go"...and he'd trot off to take a break, smoke a fag and they'd go again....continually rolling players on and off for fag breaks. One of the Reds noticed and said "hang on, last time I looked their right-back were black! They're tekkin' t'piss!"

The yellows won 6-2 and as we all trudged away, fatty ex-ref-cum-comical keeper is rowing with, seemingly, each and every one of his 10 outfield mates. Popular chap.

Shaggy - i this from the Volzy blog, or your own Sunday morning?

I'm guessing it was yours?

[Shaggy]

Haha it was my Sunday morning. Didn't think it warranted its own thread so tagged it onto the discussions here in the Volzy thread. Since hanging up my boots I used to watch quite a lot but haven't been for a few years. That's my Sunday mornings sorted until the end of the season.