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**Fivex** · 26-10-09, 07:46 PM

Some greatly needed comic relief shall be coming to the Premiership next season when they get promoted. Although an ex-manc Strachan's always entertained me with his humour. Here are some snippets I've scribbled down from memory..

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off]

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We
were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us
to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado? (after Delgado went AWOL)
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on
there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can
take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative
man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

* "He [Alex Ferguson] used to play tapes of Bill Shankly talking. I remember that and a singer he liked. I don't know who it was but it was crap. He played it on the team bus too and all the boys hated it. Until one night it got chucked away. If he's still wondering who threw that tape off the bus, it was me. So maybe he was right and I'm not to be trusted."

* "I used to drive home from Manchester United training along the M56 and there was a left turn for Wilmslow, where I lived, and a right
turn for Hale, where Norman Whiteside, Paul McGrath and Bryan Robson lived. I used to say that it was left for under three pints a night and right for more than ten."

* "Society now is scary. It's a mess. Lack of fitness makes criminals of people."

* "Southampton is famous for three things - the Titanic, yachting and Matt Le Tissier."

* "After I left Coventry I'd pay my own way into matches and would wear big hats so no-one recognised me."

* "If a Frenchman goes on about seagulls, trawlers and sardines, he's called a philosopher. I'd just be called a short Scottish bum talking crap."

* "You have to remember that Agustin Delgado was virtually up against their youth team. I have never seen so much acne on a football pitch."

* ''I'm going home to get myself a Coca-Cola and a packet of crisps, sit in front of the TV and look at the league table on Teletext all
night.''

* (After reports that the delectable Holly Valance was 'interested' in James Beattie) "She's not the only one - my missus is the same. I cannae ever sell him because the other players' wives, the manager's
wife and the coach's wife will all be up in arms."

* "I just want to thank Mr and Mrs Beattie for what they did 25 years ago."

* ''Brad Friedel must have changed in a telephone box. I wouldn't be surprised if when he takes his shirt off there's a blue jersey with an 'S' underneath.''

* "The players have their own ideas about how the game should be won, but it won't be tolerated. I'll get less skilful players in who play the game the way I think it should be played."

* ''The ref said: 'If I make a mistake don't make me look an idiot.' I had a great reply lined up but it would have cost me a couple of
quid.''

* ''If you want to kill the Indians you have to kill their chief and we didn't kill Shearer.''

* "I know nothing about tactics. I just get good players on the pitch who can run a bit."

* "It was minging" - On his side's performance at Bolton.

* "He's a big guy and to fall like that? My grandson wouldn't have fallen like that. I don't know how you face your mates after that.
They say 'What did you contribute to the game?' and you say, 'Well, I fell like a big
Jessie'" - After being asked to comment on Jardel's role in Michael Svensson's dismissal.

* "Football hasn't changed from day one in that if you show an ability to control and pass the ball there is a good chance you will prove to be a good team. We also looked very one-dimensional and I will have to find out why. That's all I'm saying - thanks for coming"
- The complete transcript of his post-match press conference following defeat to Man City in November.

* ''It's probably the Samaritans - they normally call around this time"
- After his mobile phone began ringing during a post-match interview.

* "You can't get near to the officials, it's easier to get to the Pope! If I'm in London next time and I get mugged, I hope the same
amount of people turn up - there were six police officers, four stewards and a United
Nations peace observer."

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Gordon Strachan at Middlesborough

Gordon Strachan at Middlesborough

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