Torres: ‘liverpool betrayed me by meeting all of my demands’

[Johnny H]

This is brilliant. Apologies if it's already been posted.

http://daisycutter.comule.com/?p=249

[Craig_H]

Funniest part of that was the Moyes bit

In other Scouse news it was revealed this morning that Everton gaffer David Moyes FORGOT that it was transfer deadline day.

The ginger Gollum spent the day presiding over training as usual for a Monday morning and then returned home at lunchtime to the evident surprise of his wife.

‘My missus looked aghast when I walked through the door – nothing new there. But then she said ‘You don’t know what day it is, do you?’ I immediately panic-bought flowers online assuming it was our anniversary. Or her birthday. With that done I stuck a bit of Lord of the Rings on – I watch it at least once a day to see what I could have done differently to retain my precious’.

‘Two hours in – when all is going well and I have the gold beauty momentarily in my grasp – I suddenly bolted from the settee as I remembered it was the last day in January.’

‘We put a routine bid in for little Shaun Wright-Phillips – nothing fancy, just a couple of million – that we knew would be rejected out of hand. But at least it gave the Evertonians something to get mildly excited about for a few minutes.’

‘It’s so frustrating though’, the deformed Scot admitted to us. ‘We really needed a striker or three because the ones we have would struggle to score with Danielle Lloyd!’

‘I was wondering why Harry kept phoning up offering money for Phil Neville, but I just thought he was joking. Well, you would wouldn’t you?’

‘I’m getting a calendar to stick on my office wall so this doesn’t happen again’

[Icon]

Believe every word of it...

[BillobShaisley]

Could someone C&P the whole thing? Filtered at work and sounds funny.

[Craig_H]

TORRES: ‘LIVERPOOL BETRAYED ME BY MEETING ALL OF MY DEMANDS’
Posted on February 1, 2011 by Ste

Chelsea’s new 50 million pound striker Fernando Torres yesterday revealed to a close friend why he was so desperate to leave Anfield.

‘At first he was merely disgruntled,’ our source confided, ‘those two Yanks were dismantling the club piece by piece and there was a lot of disharmony around the place. The prospect of Liverpool challenging for honours was looking increasingly unlikely, and to cap it all, his best mate and captain, Stevie G, called him a ‘ladyboy blert’ in training one day’.

‘So Nando started testing the hierarchy, to see just how much he was valued there. He wanted confirmation that he was loved’.

The androgynous Spanish diva publicly stated his frustration at the club’s ongoing problems, and questioned their ambition.

In response to this assurances were made in private of exciting summer signings ahead. Torres however wasn’t satisfied.

Despite the fact that the Reds were in the midst of a critical top four battle, he then requested an operation to solve his spastic hamstrings, a procedure that had initially been pencilled in for the summer break, and brought forward purely so he could represent his country at the forthcoming World Cup.

Astonishing Liverpool acquiesced, a thoughtful gesture that outraged the player.

‘He was getting noticeably angrier with every passing week’ our source divulged. ‘He called me up one night in tears. ‘They’re mocking me’ he claimed, in his sexy foreign accent. ‘Why can’t they tell me I’m just a footballer, not some kind of petulant god, and we can move on from this?’’

Torres then launched a furious fusillade of demands that he was sure the club would have to reject. He wanted a personal physio. The request was granted. He insisted on a thirty grand pay rise. Again, the club buckled immediately.

‘The poor lad was now beside himself. He kept saying that they were backing him into a corner and that he didn’t want to leave but – by being so accommodating to his every whim – they were leaving him with no other option’

Torres began to gain some perverted pleasure from his series of demands.

He ordered that Roy Hodgson was brought in, the most clueless man he could think of.

He then scoured the Rothman Football Yearbook and picked out the second most injury-prone Premiership player after himself and asked that the club sign him. Joe Cole was duly brought in to appease their star striker.

Soon after this his extortions became ever more outlandish.

A Faberge egg that resembled King Juan Carlos I was somehow located and bought at considerable cost. A miniature pig that could hum Coldplay hits. Apples that tasted like Big Macs. The list became endless and each time the club bent over and took it like a Simon Cowell employee.

He finally snapped and asked for the impossible – a Liverpudlian who didn’t believe he was hilarious. After several months of searching every pub, club and Pizza Hut one was finally brought to him.

Torres was now incandescent and convinced that the club was purposely making him look like a spoilt brat. So, with the skewed logic of a desperate man, he began to purposely act in that very way. Just to show them.

‘That was so sad to see. Nando would strop about the pitch looking as disinterested as he could. Yet still the fans sung his bouncy song and the gaffer selected him for every game. He now viewed it as a battle of wills that he could not possibly win. ‘How could they do this to me? After all I have given them?’ he whined to me recently. ‘And now they’re spending a fortune getting Suerez, because they think he’ll compliment me perfectly up front!’’

This was the final humiliating straw to the proud Spaniard and a formal transfer request was duly submitted.

Torres models his latest underwear range



In other Scouse news it was revealed this morning that Everton gaffer David Moyes FORGOT that it was transfer deadline day.

The ginger Gollum spent the day presiding over training as usual for a Monday morning and then returned home at lunchtime to the evident surprise of his wife.

‘My missus looked aghast when I walked through the door – nothing new there. But then she said ‘You don’t know what day it is, do you?’ I immediately panic-bought flowers online assuming it was our anniversary. Or her birthday. With that done I stuck a bit of Lord of the Rings on – I watch it at least once a day to see what I could have done differently to retain my precious’.

‘Two hours in – when all is going well and I have the gold beauty momentarily in my grasp – I suddenly bolted from the settee as I remembered it was the last day in January.’

‘We put a routine bid in for little Shaun Wright-Phillips – nothing fancy, just a couple of million – that we knew would be rejected out of hand. But at least it gave the Evertonians something to get mildly excited about for a few minutes.’

‘It’s so frustrating though’, the deformed Scot admitted to us. ‘We really needed a striker or three because the ones we have would struggle to score with Danielle Lloyd!’

‘I was wondering why Harry kept phoning up offering money for Phil Neville, but I just thought he was joking. Well, you would wouldn’t you?’

‘I’m getting a calendar to stick on my office wall so this doesn’t happen again’

[Johnny H]

Could someone C&P the whole thing? Filtered at work and sounds funny.

TORRES: ‘LIVERPOOL BETRAYED ME BY MEETING ALL OF MY DEMANDS’
Posted on February 1, 2011 by Ste
Chelsea’s new 50 million pound striker Fernando Torres yesterday revealed to a close friend why he was so desperate to leave Anfield.

‘At first he was merely disgruntled,’ our source confided, ‘those two Yanks were dismantling the club piece by piece and there was a lot of disharmony around the place. The prospect of Liverpool challenging for honours was looking increasingly unlikely, and to cap it all, his best mate and captain, Stevie G, called him a ‘ladyboy blert’ in training one day’.

‘So Nando started testing the hierarchy, to see just how much he was valued there. He wanted confirmation that he was loved’.

The androgynous Spanish diva publicly stated his frustration at the club’s ongoing problems, and questioned their ambition.

In response to this assurances were made in private of exciting summer signings ahead. Torres however wasn’t satisfied.

Despite the fact that the Reds were in the midst of a critical top four battle, he then requested an operation to solve his spastic hamstrings, a procedure that had initially been pencilled in for the summer break, and brought forward purely so he could represent his country at the forthcoming World Cup.

Astonishing Liverpool acquiesced, a thoughtful gesture that outraged the player.

‘He was getting noticeably angrier with every passing week’ our source divulged. ‘He called me up one night in tears. ‘They’re mocking me’ he claimed, in his sexy foreign accent. ‘Why can’t they tell me I’m just a footballer, not some kind of petulant god, and we can move on from this?’’

Torres then launched a furious fusillade of demands that he was sure the club would have to reject. He wanted a personal physio. The request was granted. He insisted on a thirty grand pay rise. Again, the club buckled immediately.

‘The poor lad was now beside himself. He kept saying that they were backing him into a corner and that he didn’t want to leave but – by being so accommodating to his every whim – they were leaving him with no other option’



Torres began to gain some perverted pleasure from his series of demands.

He ordered that Roy Hodgson was brought in, the most clueless man he could think of.

He then scoured the Rothman Football Yearbook and picked out the second most injury-prone Premiership player after himself and asked that the club sign him. Joe Cole was duly brought in to appease their star striker.

Soon after this his extortions became ever more outlandish.

A Faberge egg that resembled King Juan Carlos I was somehow located and bought at considerable cost. A miniature pig that could hum Coldplay hits. Apples that tasted like Big Macs. The list became endless and each time the club bent over and took it like a Simon Cowell employee.

He finally snapped and asked for the impossible – a Liverpudlian who didn’t believe he was hilarious. After several months of searching every pub, club and Pizza Hut one was finally brought to him.

Torres was now incandescent and convinced that the club was purposely making him look like a spoilt brat. So, with the skewed logic of a desperate man, he began to purposely act in that very way. Just to show them.

‘That was so sad to see. Nando would strop about the pitch looking as disinterested as he could. Yet still the fans sung his bouncy song and the gaffer selected him for every game. He now viewed it as a battle of wills that he could not possibly win. ‘How could they do this to me? After all I have given them?’ he whined to me recently. ‘And now they’re spending a fortune getting Suerez, because they think he’ll compliment me perfectly up front!’’

This was the final humiliating straw to the proud Spaniard and a formal transfer request was duly submitted.


Torres models his latest underwear range
In other Scouse news it was revealed this morning that Everton gaffer David Moyes FORGOT that it was transfer deadline day.

The ginger Gollum spent the day presiding over training as usual for a Monday morning and then returned home at lunchtime to the evident surprise of his wife.

‘My missus looked aghast when I walked through the door – nothing new there. But then she said ‘You don’t know what day it is, do you?’ I immediately panic-bought flowers online assuming it was our anniversary. Or her birthday. With that done I stuck a bit of Lord of the Rings on – I watch it at least once a day to see what I could have done differently to retain my precious’.

‘Two hours in – when all is going well and I have the gold beauty momentarily in my grasp – I suddenly bolted from the settee as I remembered it was the last day in January.’

‘We put a routine bid in for little Shaun Wright-Phillips – nothing fancy, just a couple of million – that we knew would be rejected out of hand. But at least it gave the Evertonians something to get mildly excited about for a few minutes.’

‘It’s so frustrating though’, the deformed Scot admitted to us. ‘We really needed a striker or three because the ones we have would struggle to score with Danielle Lloyd!’

‘I was wondering why Harry kept phoning up offering money for Phil Neville, but I just thought he was joking. Well, you would wouldn’t you?’

‘I’m getting a calendar to stick on my office wall so this doesn’t happen again’

[Cleo]

This part is pure class!!

A Faberge egg that resembled King Juan Carlos I was somehow located and bought at considerable cost. A miniature pig that could hum Coldplay hits. Apples that tasted like Big Macs. The list became endless and each time the club bent over and took it like a Simon Cowell employee.

[Johnny H]

CARROLL SET TO RELEASE WORKOUT DVD
Posted on February 2, 2011 by Ste
£35 million snip Andy Carroll is set to release a fitness and lifestyle DVD following the surprise success of Ryan Giggs’ yoga workout.

The 22-year-old has teamed up with several fellow Geordies to bring you – according to the blurb on the back – ‘A comprehensive make-over to turn even the puffiest of men into real canny blokes like’.

The DVD is not yet available in the shops but the Cutter has gained an exclusive first peek and we anticipate plenty of controversy and a possible FA fine heading his way in the near-future.

Here are some of the highlights –

1/ Five minutes in there is a montage of Carroll’s street brawls all caught on CCTV. This is played to a soundtrack of PJ and Duncan’s opus Let’s Get Ready To Rumble.

2/ Next up is an arm workout, specifically to improve your triceps and to get the viewer eventually looking ‘all buff for when ya gaan oot aroon toon’. Carroll is shown in an otherwise deserted bar, wearing a very tight t-shirt, lifting and tilting countless pint glasses to his mouth.

At first he is friendly and instructive, demonstrating how each ‘raise and tilt’ slowly develops specific muscles in the upper arm and wrist.

Eventually however he stumbles off his stool and blames it on the cameraman who he decks in a flurry of punches.

3/ An entire section of the DVD is reserved for ‘burds’ and how to handle them.

Carroll talks mainly to camera but enlists the help of the esteemed thesp and crooner Jimmy Nail in the form of clips shown from his 1992 smash hit ‘Aint No Doubt’.

An array of fictional scenarios are played out by Carroll followed each time by Nail intoning sombrely ‘She’s lying’.

One example is,

Carroll: ‘Your missus says she’s having a drink with friends….’

Nail: ‘She’s lying’

After an angry diatribe that lasts for several minutes where the player describes women as ‘pointless munters’ and ‘snakes with tits’ Carroll then reveals the simple solution to all the preceding problems. He smacks a fist hard into the palm of his hand and cries out ‘Pow! Right in the kisser! Good night Vienna. Auf weiedersehen pet.’

Later he states helpfully, ‘If you’re feeling imaginative and want to flex your glutes I often find a roundhouse kick to the baby-maker does the job just as well. But remember boys, do your stretches first.’


'Are you looking at my DVD?'
4/ Wearing the same t-shirt from before Carroll is shown entering a refrigerated storage container where he remains content and apparently warm for many silent minutes.

5/ The future hero of the Kop is standing outside a barbers and it appears he is about to walk in when he suddenly stops and turns to the camera.

‘These places are the enemy. Real men have pony-tails. It is alleged that wor Alexander the Great had one. As does my all-time hero Steven Seagal. Best actor in the world by a mile. Baggio of course had a divine one. And also that Blair lad from Eldorado in the early-nineties. If you don’t have a ponytail or a mullet you’re a puff or a lesbian. And I’d happily batter either of you’

6/ Its time for a relaxation workout as Carroll is joined by north-east legend Gazza as they fish by a scenic lake. Gazza demonstrates how to repeatedly whip back the line, gathering slack, before casting it out until it plops gently into the water. In between chugging down a can of lager and eating chicken.

The DVD ends on a sad note as they drunkenly scrap for the carcass.

[BillobShaisley]

Could someone C&P the whole thing? Filtered at work and sounds funny.

Thanks Craig and Johnny!

[McDermotX]

CARROLL SET TO RELEASE WORKOUT DVD
Posted on February 2, 2011 by Ste

Excellent, would actually pay money for that DVD

[Drago]

That Carroll one was funny as ****.