Keys and Gray offer their thoughts...

[Lee]

Wtf ,that's not what I asked my avatar to be.

[spud_gun]

http://www.worthingtheatres.co.uk/WhatsOn/November/Name,82847,en.asp

Now that's a shock

[Neil Young]

From today's Private Eye:

Nine months are his disgraced exit from Sky Sports, Richard "did you smash it?" Keys has finally found a way back on to TV. But how the mighty fall. "Keysie" can be found every Friday night presenting the latest pugilistic action on Box Nation...

This must be hurtful for the former breakfast TV and football presenter, Fortunately, however, it is well known in sporting and media circles that he has a remarkably high pain threshold.

[Neil Young]

FFS, can you lot read between the lines or not?

[Neil Young]

Bloody hell. You lot are so slow...

[Kenneth]

We're just ignoring you Neil.

[Neil Young]

Don't you feel a bit sorry for Keysie though? It's a shame.

[Shaggy]

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/lostinshowbiz/interactive/2011/dec/15/gray-keys-after-dinner-flier

[Kenneth]

Sue Cook's pulled out.

[Shaggy]

[Neil Young]

Marina Hyde's take on it in the Guardian.

Smash it! The reinvention of Andy Gray and Richard Keys

The two disgraced former Sky football presenters are offering their 'banter' on the after-dinner speaking circuit. Apparently they will answer any question …

Look up "contrition" in the Premier League Dictionary and this is the picture you'll find next to it. Behold, the promotional leaflet for the latest venture from former Sky Sports presenters Richard Keys and Andy Gray, who respectively resigned and were sacked from the network's football coverage in January after a series of sexist incidents.

It was on the day of his resignation, you may recall, that Richard quavered apologetically that he and Andy had "failed to change while everything had changed around us" – so what a pleasure it is to see the emergence of Keys'n'Gray Mark II: reconstructed, remorseful, and altogether more affordable. But we shall come to an intriguing discussion of their fees later. For now, just call them Smash It and Nice It (but don't bank on them doing anything for charidee).

The pair do indeed have jobs on the radio, and seemed to have dragged their act forward into the 1950s with a show on talkSPORT. But how delicious to find them moonlighting in "Smash It!".

Contrary to your assumption, this is not a recherche George Bernard Shaw two-hander, but appears to be a direct reference to one of the aforementioned incidents that saw Richard and Andy part company with Sky. To recap, we lay our scene in the studio, off-air but on-camera, where Richard is attempting to persuade pundit Jamie Redknapp to discourse on the nature of his relationship with some young lady. "Did you smash it?" inquires Richard. "Mind you, that's a stupid question. If you were anywhere near it, you definitely smashed it."

Anyway, parsing the leaflet, Lost in Showbiz is thrilled to see that the Abbott and Costello of hanging-out-the-back-of-it are being touted as the last word in after-dinner speaking, on the basis of their legendary "easy banter". "There is just no one better in the business, just like the old days, quality banter with football expertise," reads the pull quote from Britannia Construction. High praise indeed – while the leaflet goes on to say the pair will take "anything that's thrown at them" from the floor.

One can but dream. I am particularly drawn to the promise of anecdotes from their career, and very much hope it includes the time Andy was exposed for making drunk and lecherous advances towards a series of wildly unimpressed women in the bar of a La Manga hotel, before demanding of the concierge: "Eh, senoreo, where's the ****ing taxio?"

Strictly speaking, this is not Keysy and Grayey's first foray into live events. Earlier this year the pair announced a theatre tour that would showcase their fabled banter. According to the promotional material for it, "Richard Keys and Andy Gray need no introduction." They certainly didn't. They didn't need an introduction in Southend, or in Kent, or in Clacton, or in any number of other venues, as the tour was cancelled owing to poor ticket sales.

Remarkably, though, their belief in their own "banter" is indestructible. Consider the evidence. Despite Andy and Richard's assertion that they were "the driving force behind Sky Sports' rise to football supremacy", the network has just about managed to stay afloat without them. Despite claiming to be "synonymous with the rise of Premiership football throughout the world", the league somehow still happens without Andy glossing its every irrelevance with a bellowed "that'll be a HUGE talking point on Monday" and bristling with pompous aggression at any referee with the temerity to enforce the rules. And despite their belief that they are "great company", their stage show had to be cancelled due to public indifference. Yet despite all these despites, their fierce and fundamentalist belief in the allure of their "banter" continues. Lost in Showbiz would actually go so far as to bet that it is imperishable. In the event of a nuclear holocaust, I have every confidence that the only thing left standing would be Richard and Andy's belief in their banter, manifested as a ghostly soundtrack of them drolly inviting some female underling to fellate them, playing as the radioactive ash fell like snow.

Something for us all to look forward to, anyway. Meanwhile, it seems time to do the leaflet's bidding, so I call the pair's manager – one Georgina Brassington – to discuss booking them. I would love it if the Guardian could book Richard and Andy for a party, I tell her, but I must ask how much they cost?

"They'll come out for £9,000," explains Georgina, "but they're not VAT registered so there isn't VAT on top."

I see. Well, it is not for this column to comment on the tax arrangements of Messrs Keys and Gray, so Lost in Showbiz goes on to ask what form the act takes. "Anything," she says. "They'll do anything. They'll do any presentation, they'll speak for 40 minutes – whatever you want. They have been going down an absolute storm. They've got SO much banter."

Yes. Yes, I think I'd vaguely heard. Do they talk about their sacking? "For the first few shows I did with them they weren't allowed to," says Georgina, "but they can now, and they always say they will answer any question asked in a Q&A."

Do they do that hilarious riff on the female lineswoman? "They don't tend to talk about the female referee [sic]," says Georgina, "but if the question comes up, then they definitely will."

I hope it's not all sackcloth and ashes. "Oh no, not at all. It's just great banter."

Well, as I say, I'd love them to play the Guardian party. But I'll just have to ask the people who decide these things. "Great," says Georgina. "To be honest, they have done mostly male environments with me, but they do adapt to whatever the event is."

I see – so if it was Mary Warnock's birthday party, they could do that? "Yeah, they'd be great with that."

And on that bombshell, my ducks, I'm off to make a submission to the boss.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/l...y-richard-keys

[Neil Young]

This bit made me lol out loud:

Earlier this year the pair announced a theatre tour that would showcase their fabled banter. According to the promotional material for it, "Richard Keys and Andy Gray need no introduction." They certainly didn't. They didn't need an introduction in Southend, or in Kent, or in Clacton, or in any number of other venues, as the tour was cancelled owing to poor ticket sales.

[Craig_H]

Great article that, i was going to post it myself.

Especially enjoyed the bit about their belief in their banter surviving a nuclear holocaust

Remarkably, though, their belief in their own "banter" is indestructible. Consider the evidence. Despite Andy and Richard's assertion that they were "the driving force behind Sky Sports' rise to football supremacy", the network has just about managed to stay afloat without them. Despite claiming to be "synonymous with the rise of Premiership football throughout the world", the league somehow still happens without Andy glossing its every irrelevance with a bellowed "that'll be a HUGE talking point on Monday" and bristling with pompous aggression at any referee with the temerity to enforce the rules. And despite their belief that they are "great company", their stage show had to be cancelled due to public indifference. Yet despite all these despites, their fierce and fundamentalist belief in the allure of their "banter" continues. Lost in Showbiz would actually go so far as to bet that it is imperishable. In the event of a nuclear holocaust, I have every confidence that the only thing left standing would be Richard and Andy's belief in their banter, manifested as a ghostly soundtrack of them drolly inviting some female underling to fellate them, playing as the radioactive ash fell like snow.

[Neil Young]

From today's Private Eye:

Nine months are his disgraced exit from Sky Sports, Richard "did you smash it?" Keys has finally found a way back on to TV. But how the mighty fall. "Keysie" can be found every Friday night presenting the latest pugilistic action on Box Nation...

This must be hurtful for the former breakfast TV and football presenter, Fortunately, however, it is well known in sporting and media circles that he has a remarkably high pain threshold.

Do you lot have any idea what they're getting at here?

[Neil Young]