Monday June 5
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest
moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why
They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified
and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I
can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to
get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in
Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My
Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he
said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have
a lot of calls from people offering
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the bestest
moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I Guess That's Why
They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows (too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not rectified
and everyone knows right-back is the most important position on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world ever begins in August. I
can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell Wayne to
get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in
Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she reads Managing My
Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much fun...' - but he
said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will have
a lot of calls from people offering
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