had a dream last night. Now, you know me, I'm not the kind of chap who takes these things seriously, but it was so vivid, so real, that I feel compelled to share it with you.
Liverpool were playing Milan in Athens for the Champions League Final. I normally dream about women, about curry, about Chelsea, about tours round the Stella brewery in Belgium and about doing unspeakably rude things to Helen Chamberlain. Liverpool do not usually make it onto that stellar list, but they did last night. Let me share what I can remember from this hideous nightmare...
...The stadium was large, looking suspiciously like the one in Istanbul. Milan wore all white, and Liverpool in their red. The game was awful. Liverpool showed no invention or wish to win the game, kicking Milan off the park, sticking ten men behind the ball and playing for penalties. Andy Gray was mouthing off about how the paucity of the game wasn`t as bad as Chelsea in the FA Cup Final, and that actually, the reason the Athens game was crap was because of Chelsea. I remember being mystified by that comment. The whole game, all he did was gob off about what an amazing player Steven Gerrard is, and how he is the best player in the world, and how Chelsea's whole team isn`t as good as him. A Liverpool player slid in two footed on Gattuso and took him out. The Referee took no action against the Liverpool player but sent the watching Jose Mourinho to the stands with an FA Charge.
Outside the ground, the few thousand Liverpool fans who were there were wandering round the Pantheon and the ancient Greek ruins up on the hill, urinating on the columns, chucking empty lager cans around and shouting:
'You call that history? What have you won though? How many European Cups ave ya got though?'
In the stadium, Kaka was being doubled up on, and not getting a sniff of the ball. Sissoko went through Ambrosini two footed and ended his career by removing his kneecap with his studs. After lengthy negotiations with UEFA, the ref gave a free kick the other way because it was decided that Ambrosini is a cheating, diving Eye-Tie and must be made an example of. Inzaghi clears a ball in his own penalty area, runs the length of the pitch and slots it away past Reina, only to see the linesman rule it out for being onside. A Pirlo freekick from 30 yards then beats Reina but the Ref orders it retaken as neither he, nor his linesmen, William Gailliard and Michel Platini, saw it go in. The second freekick is charged down by Ickle Stevie who picks the ball up, runs forty yards and is excellently tacked by Nesta who is sent off despite clearly getting the ball, apparently unaware of the well-known UEFA Ruling that says that you may not win a tackle against The Best Player In The World, Ever. Like, Ever. Alonso takes the freekick and it bounces off a floodlight, takes a deflection off the Ref, hits a small deer that strayed onto the pitch and wrongfoots Dida to put Liverpool in the lead.
With 23 minutes gone, Liverpool had the lead and the Ref blew for half time. The second half was more of the same, with Milan looking the more likely but unable to beat the onside/offside trap. A long back pass from Jankulovski is picked up by Dida on the edge of the penalty area but Gaillard, too busy writing his autobiography ('Chelsea are the Enemy of Football I reckon - My Struggle') doesn`t see it so rules that it most probably crossed the line and Liverpool are two up. Pirlo and Kaladze are then beamed up by aliens and never seen again. Kaka mystifyingly forgets how to kick a ball and sits in the centre circle humming 'The Riddle' by Nik Kershaw and takes no further part in proceedings. Never before has a team imploded with such disastrous consequences and for such inexplicable reasons. Andy Gray neglects to bring this up in commentary, choosing instead to eulogise ad nauseum about how 'Liverpool are making an excellent Milan side look completely ordinary' and then actually wetting his pants live on Sky when Ickle Stevie completes a short four yard backpass on the floor to Agger. 'Take a bow son! That is absolutely top drawer - lets see the replay!'
With ten minutes to go, Milan are warming up Gilardino and Cafu to come on, the Ref blows for full time and Liverpool have won the Champions League! Again! Cue massive celebrations in the stands amongst the couple of thousand 'proper' Liverpool fans who actually made the journey, and the millions of 'other' Liverpool fans in Kent, Devon, Canada, Australia, London, Iceland, China, and Bolivia, all of whom will swear on their Kid's lives that they were there in Athens. There is a small dimming of the lights as a large percentage of the 'other' fans fire up their PCs and laptops and log onto Chelsea websites to gloat, rather than go out celebrating
The papers the next day carry the following headlines:
'LIVERPOOL GLORY IN ATHENS'
'MILAN BATTERED BY SUPER GERRO SHOW'
'MARRY ME RAFA'
'WE ARE GOING TO WIN LEAGUE NEXT SEASON INSISTS CARRA'
'CHELSEA FAIL AGAIN'
'JOSE MOURINHO ATE MY DOG'
'PEERLESS LIVERPOOL DOMINATE MILAN TO WIN #6'
'THEY'VE WON IT SIX TIMES'
'LIVERPOOL ARE THE BEST INNIT'
Then I woke up.
Wow, its a good job it was only a dream isn`t it? Imagine Liverpool being that lucky and getting all those decisions their way eh? Imagine them getting hammered off the park by Milan, but Milan imploding for no apparent reason! Imagine them being that spawny, that fluky, that laughably fortunate! Imagine UEFA bending the rules to accommodate Liverpool!
Couldn`t possibly happen could it?
Good reply from a Liverpool lad though
lucky old liverpool, beating Barcelona and Chelsea both over two legs!!!! whatever happens i understand Maureen is planning to issue a sateement saying that "Chelsea were the only team that he could see trying to win the tournament". I'm looking forward to the following headlines for next season: 1) LAMPARD OUTRAGE AT NOT HAVING OWN DRESSING ROOM AT WEMBLEY fOR ENGLAND GAMES. 2) TERRY THREATENS TO LEAVE BRIDGE AFTER £149k A WEEK INSULT. 3) MOURNIHO WOWS FANS WITH NEW ENTERTAINING STYLE OF PLAY. Jose commented that the fact that Chelsea have increased their average home attendance from a meagre 10,000 just twenty years ago to 40,000 now is testament to the exciting one touch style of play. 4) CECH WINS AWARD FOR MOST ASSISTS IN SEASON, JOE COLE* SECOND (* includes dives for free kicks)
Liverpool were playing Milan in Athens for the Champions League Final. I normally dream about women, about curry, about Chelsea, about tours round the Stella brewery in Belgium and about doing unspeakably rude things to Helen Chamberlain. Liverpool do not usually make it onto that stellar list, but they did last night. Let me share what I can remember from this hideous nightmare...
...The stadium was large, looking suspiciously like the one in Istanbul. Milan wore all white, and Liverpool in their red. The game was awful. Liverpool showed no invention or wish to win the game, kicking Milan off the park, sticking ten men behind the ball and playing for penalties. Andy Gray was mouthing off about how the paucity of the game wasn`t as bad as Chelsea in the FA Cup Final, and that actually, the reason the Athens game was crap was because of Chelsea. I remember being mystified by that comment. The whole game, all he did was gob off about what an amazing player Steven Gerrard is, and how he is the best player in the world, and how Chelsea's whole team isn`t as good as him. A Liverpool player slid in two footed on Gattuso and took him out. The Referee took no action against the Liverpool player but sent the watching Jose Mourinho to the stands with an FA Charge.
Outside the ground, the few thousand Liverpool fans who were there were wandering round the Pantheon and the ancient Greek ruins up on the hill, urinating on the columns, chucking empty lager cans around and shouting:
'You call that history? What have you won though? How many European Cups ave ya got though?'
In the stadium, Kaka was being doubled up on, and not getting a sniff of the ball. Sissoko went through Ambrosini two footed and ended his career by removing his kneecap with his studs. After lengthy negotiations with UEFA, the ref gave a free kick the other way because it was decided that Ambrosini is a cheating, diving Eye-Tie and must be made an example of. Inzaghi clears a ball in his own penalty area, runs the length of the pitch and slots it away past Reina, only to see the linesman rule it out for being onside. A Pirlo freekick from 30 yards then beats Reina but the Ref orders it retaken as neither he, nor his linesmen, William Gailliard and Michel Platini, saw it go in. The second freekick is charged down by Ickle Stevie who picks the ball up, runs forty yards and is excellently tacked by Nesta who is sent off despite clearly getting the ball, apparently unaware of the well-known UEFA Ruling that says that you may not win a tackle against The Best Player In The World, Ever. Like, Ever. Alonso takes the freekick and it bounces off a floodlight, takes a deflection off the Ref, hits a small deer that strayed onto the pitch and wrongfoots Dida to put Liverpool in the lead.
With 23 minutes gone, Liverpool had the lead and the Ref blew for half time. The second half was more of the same, with Milan looking the more likely but unable to beat the onside/offside trap. A long back pass from Jankulovski is picked up by Dida on the edge of the penalty area but Gaillard, too busy writing his autobiography ('Chelsea are the Enemy of Football I reckon - My Struggle') doesn`t see it so rules that it most probably crossed the line and Liverpool are two up. Pirlo and Kaladze are then beamed up by aliens and never seen again. Kaka mystifyingly forgets how to kick a ball and sits in the centre circle humming 'The Riddle' by Nik Kershaw and takes no further part in proceedings. Never before has a team imploded with such disastrous consequences and for such inexplicable reasons. Andy Gray neglects to bring this up in commentary, choosing instead to eulogise ad nauseum about how 'Liverpool are making an excellent Milan side look completely ordinary' and then actually wetting his pants live on Sky when Ickle Stevie completes a short four yard backpass on the floor to Agger. 'Take a bow son! That is absolutely top drawer - lets see the replay!'
With ten minutes to go, Milan are warming up Gilardino and Cafu to come on, the Ref blows for full time and Liverpool have won the Champions League! Again! Cue massive celebrations in the stands amongst the couple of thousand 'proper' Liverpool fans who actually made the journey, and the millions of 'other' Liverpool fans in Kent, Devon, Canada, Australia, London, Iceland, China, and Bolivia, all of whom will swear on their Kid's lives that they were there in Athens. There is a small dimming of the lights as a large percentage of the 'other' fans fire up their PCs and laptops and log onto Chelsea websites to gloat, rather than go out celebrating
The papers the next day carry the following headlines:
'LIVERPOOL GLORY IN ATHENS'
'MILAN BATTERED BY SUPER GERRO SHOW'
'MARRY ME RAFA'
'WE ARE GOING TO WIN LEAGUE NEXT SEASON INSISTS CARRA'
'CHELSEA FAIL AGAIN'
'JOSE MOURINHO ATE MY DOG'
'PEERLESS LIVERPOOL DOMINATE MILAN TO WIN #6'
'THEY'VE WON IT SIX TIMES'
'LIVERPOOL ARE THE BEST INNIT'
Then I woke up.
Wow, its a good job it was only a dream isn`t it? Imagine Liverpool being that lucky and getting all those decisions their way eh? Imagine them getting hammered off the park by Milan, but Milan imploding for no apparent reason! Imagine them being that spawny, that fluky, that laughably fortunate! Imagine UEFA bending the rules to accommodate Liverpool!
Couldn`t possibly happen could it?
Good reply from a Liverpool lad though
lucky old liverpool, beating Barcelona and Chelsea both over two legs!!!! whatever happens i understand Maureen is planning to issue a sateement saying that "Chelsea were the only team that he could see trying to win the tournament". I'm looking forward to the following headlines for next season: 1) LAMPARD OUTRAGE AT NOT HAVING OWN DRESSING ROOM AT WEMBLEY fOR ENGLAND GAMES. 2) TERRY THREATENS TO LEAVE BRIDGE AFTER £149k A WEEK INSULT. 3) MOURNIHO WOWS FANS WITH NEW ENTERTAINING STYLE OF PLAY. Jose commented that the fact that Chelsea have increased their average home attendance from a meagre 10,000 just twenty years ago to 40,000 now is testament to the exciting one touch style of play. 4) CECH WINS AWARD FOR MOST ASSISTS IN SEASON, JOE COLE* SECOND (* includes dives for free kicks)
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