Dear John,
Not being one to patronise or tell someone ‘how to teach their grandma suck eggs’………..but I think I may
be able to shed a wee bit of light on some certain aspects of your game and maybe even resolve
a few of your, how shall we say, ‘more outstanding deficiencies’…………
1. It may prove beneficial in future, prior to going on as a substitute, to enquire as to which way we are actually shooting.
There are several ways of doing this (i) ask the manager, (ii) ask a fellow sub, or (iii) ask one of the 44,000 people sitting next to you,
However, research has shown that the best way would be to actually watch the f***ing game.
2. Heading. Now I’m no expert, but if the ball is approximately 9 inches from the floor, I would strongly suggest ‘kicking it with your left’
or at least having a ‘swing’ with that dead limb you call ‘righty’. This would at least disguise the fact that you didn’t f*cking mean it.
3. That right foot of yours. Now I won’t lecture you on it’s use, or even it’s pro’s and con’s, but I would strongly suggest that you cut it
off immediately. It’s sole purpose in life seems to be that when you go for a p*ss, you are standing upright and level.
Don’t be scared of it affecting your future, Heather Mills has never looked back since.
4. Passing. When entering the field of play, casually glance down and note the colour of your top. There is a very strong chance that
this will be the colour we are playing in. If in doubt, there should be another 9 blokes with the same colour top on. These are your team-mates.
Try and move the ball from your goodself to their approximate location (within 3 feet). This will do wonders for your OPTA statistics and Playstation II
PES rating.
5. Waste management. Ensure when discarding pay packets in future that you use a shredder, thus nullifying the risk of every tw@t knowing that
40 grand a week gets you a ginger dick with one foot.
6. Investments. There is a good chance you will receive a rather large fat cheque today in the post from a Mr. Abramovich. Invest it wisely and
you may not have to subject yourself to every football ground laughter next season.
There will also be a bouquet of flowers from a Jimmy Traore, who has now been equalled in the top place of ‘Liverpool Knob Jockeys’. Well done.
7. Competition for your place. Last night, my bird stated that ‘I could do better than that ginger pr*ck’. As did me mam, sister, and nan.
I doubted this and took the argument to the garden, where, true to her word she tw@tted every ball over the fence.
8. Humility. Next time you score a ‘proper’ goal, DO NOT run and slide on your knees with your shirt over your head. Remember, the fans
who will be cheering are the same ones who currently want to insert a large marrow up your rectum. However, you may celebrate like this if
you manage to redeem yourself next week and score a goal of some importance. You can then insert a large marrow up the @rse of any
person of my choosing.
9. Sorry. Not once have you rang me today to apologise for the remote control that you broke last night at 9.36pm.
10. When you play next week, you owe us big time, so try your f***ing hardest and play like it’s your last ever game in a red shirt. Cos it
may well be. Redeem yourself son. I know you can do it.
Reds’ always believe.
Walk on.
Not being one to patronise or tell someone ‘how to teach their grandma suck eggs’………..but I think I may
be able to shed a wee bit of light on some certain aspects of your game and maybe even resolve
a few of your, how shall we say, ‘more outstanding deficiencies’…………
1. It may prove beneficial in future, prior to going on as a substitute, to enquire as to which way we are actually shooting.
There are several ways of doing this (i) ask the manager, (ii) ask a fellow sub, or (iii) ask one of the 44,000 people sitting next to you,
However, research has shown that the best way would be to actually watch the f***ing game.
2. Heading. Now I’m no expert, but if the ball is approximately 9 inches from the floor, I would strongly suggest ‘kicking it with your left’
or at least having a ‘swing’ with that dead limb you call ‘righty’. This would at least disguise the fact that you didn’t f*cking mean it.
3. That right foot of yours. Now I won’t lecture you on it’s use, or even it’s pro’s and con’s, but I would strongly suggest that you cut it
off immediately. It’s sole purpose in life seems to be that when you go for a p*ss, you are standing upright and level.
Don’t be scared of it affecting your future, Heather Mills has never looked back since.
4. Passing. When entering the field of play, casually glance down and note the colour of your top. There is a very strong chance that
this will be the colour we are playing in. If in doubt, there should be another 9 blokes with the same colour top on. These are your team-mates.
Try and move the ball from your goodself to their approximate location (within 3 feet). This will do wonders for your OPTA statistics and Playstation II
PES rating.
5. Waste management. Ensure when discarding pay packets in future that you use a shredder, thus nullifying the risk of every tw@t knowing that
40 grand a week gets you a ginger dick with one foot.
6. Investments. There is a good chance you will receive a rather large fat cheque today in the post from a Mr. Abramovich. Invest it wisely and
you may not have to subject yourself to every football ground laughter next season.
There will also be a bouquet of flowers from a Jimmy Traore, who has now been equalled in the top place of ‘Liverpool Knob Jockeys’. Well done.
7. Competition for your place. Last night, my bird stated that ‘I could do better than that ginger pr*ck’. As did me mam, sister, and nan.
I doubted this and took the argument to the garden, where, true to her word she tw@tted every ball over the fence.
8. Humility. Next time you score a ‘proper’ goal, DO NOT run and slide on your knees with your shirt over your head. Remember, the fans
who will be cheering are the same ones who currently want to insert a large marrow up your rectum. However, you may celebrate like this if
you manage to redeem yourself next week and score a goal of some importance. You can then insert a large marrow up the @rse of any
person of my choosing.
9. Sorry. Not once have you rang me today to apologise for the remote control that you broke last night at 9.36pm.
10. When you play next week, you owe us big time, so try your f***ing hardest and play like it’s your last ever game in a red shirt. Cos it
may well be. Redeem yourself son. I know you can do it.
Reds’ always believe.
Walk on.
Harsh but funny.
Classic
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