Guardian Unlimited's tea-time take on the world of football
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Steve McClaren's Lethal Weapon and Bill Shankly RIP
Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning
Friday September 29, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
PARKER BACK FOR ENGLAND
Like most English city centres, Newcastle on a Sunday morning is an unholy tapestry of litter, puke and passed-out drunks. And if you happen to be there and sober, you too may wish you were unconscious - otherwise your eyes may be assailed by the sight of Steve McClaren gyrating in hot pants while waving his lethal weapon. Utterly inappropriately, you see, the overweight England manager who looks like he'd be retching after five minutes' running his hand through his ginger Elvis quiff, let alone a 13-mile jaunt across an industrial wasteland, has been booked to fire the starting gun for Sunday's Great North Run.
The most strenuous thing McClaren has done in the build-up to the event is announce the England squad for the forthcoming Euro 2008 tussles with Croatia and Macedonia. He did that this afternoon mere seconds before the Fiver went to press, but the 24 names were exactly as expected: Owen Hargreaves and Aaron Lennon weren't picked because they're injured, while Kevin Nolan was left out because Bolton are about as fashionable as burqas in Weird Uncle's Fiver's deluxe gentlemen's club. For similar reason, MU Rowdies waster Kieran Richardson was preferred to Aston Villa's dynamo Gareth Barry.
Following news that David Beckham sought solace in Tom Cruise after being overlooked by McClaren last month, Nolan and Barry are believed to have already written heartfelt requests for advice to screen icons Phillip Schofield and Lee MacDonald. Scott Parker hasn't had to pick up his pen, however, as the Toon captain has been drafted in to replace Hargreaves. "Scott is a player his team-mates respect and look up to," said Newcastle boss Glenn Roeder of his pint-sized leader. "He's doing what I said he would do - have a better season this year than he did last." Which is more than can be said for Wayne Rooney, who has been recalled following his suspension for ball-tampering during the World Cup.
Full squad: Robinson, Foster, Kirkland; G Neville, Brown, Terry, Ferdinand, Carragher, King, A Cole, Bridge, Morris-dancing Fiver, P Neville, Lampard, Gerrard, Jenas, Carrick, Richardson, Downing, Wright-Phillips, Parker; Rooney, Crouch, Johnson, Defoe.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We do seem to play well at night, and we are unbeaten in the dark. We should introduce some new training methods and work on the players' Circadian rhythms to try to make them think it is night time before every game" - Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd announces his latest brainwave. One of these days he might stumble across an even more ingenious idea: winning a football match.
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SHANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
Bill Shankly is the man who kick-started the "50 years of tradition you can't buy" that Liverpool fans are always screeching about on radio phone-ins and, with today marking the 25th anniversary of his death, it's no surprise to hear that there was a run on black ribbon across Merseyside today - or that opportunistic scallies are now making a killing in the lucrative bootleg black-armband market.
A commemorative ceremony is being staged at Anfield today for Shankly, who famously led Liverpool to three League titles, two FA Cups and the Uefa Cup. But the Fiver would like to do its own small bit to mark the anniversary of the passing of the man loved so much by Liverpool Football Club that they ejected him from the training ground shortly after his retirement and asked him not to come back, leaving him harbouring no end of resentment and bitterness.
Of course these weren't the only traits the Scot shared with your average Scouser. Shankly was also renowned for his famous "wit" - having peddled a mediocre line in observations that were only marginally less bland than the kind spouted today by Alan Shearer. Most often misquoted is that one about football being more important than life or death, but the Fiver's favourite came when Shanks was asked what he thought about the team on the other side of Stanley Park. "There are only two teams in Liverpool," he harrumphed. "Liverpool and Liverpool reserves." No doubt he changed his tune when Liverpool showed him the door, forcing him to live out his dotage helping Everton's youth team.
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THE RUMOUR MILL
West Brom want Burnley manager Steve Cotterill to give their ailing promotion challenge a kick up the bracket.
Internazionale head honcho Massimo Moratti wants Rafa Benitez to take over at the San Siro.
And Juventus will sign Real Madrid wastrel Robinho if they gain promotion this season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Harry Pearson laughs at Chelsea's Bollywood plans.
Kevin Pullein on why caretaker managers are usually worth a sly bet.
Got something on your chest? Get rid of it on our Sports Blog.
And in tomorrow's £1.40 Berliner Big Paper: an exclusive interview with Villa's rising star Gabriel Agbonlahor, Russell Brand on whatever Russell Brand fancies talking about, and Deep Impact's trainer on preparing the world's best racehorse.
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NEWS IN BRIEF
Ben Thatcher will not face police charges for attempting to decapitate Pedro Mendes at the City of Manchester Stadium last month.
Lemon-sucking Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder has signed the club's former keeper Pavel Srnicek, 83, on a short-term deal.
Good news on the injury front for the MU Rowdies: Mikael Silvestre is out for six weeks with a knacked metatarsal.
Three years after losing his mojo, Raul has finally been dropped by Spain for their Euro 2008 qualifier against Sweden.
And Barry Ferguson has returned to the Scotland squad for next month's defeats to France and Ukraine. Full squad: N Alexander (Cardiff), Gallacher (Norwich), Gordon (Hearts), G Alexander (Preston), Anderson (Aberdeen), Caldwell (Celtic), Dailly (West Ham), McManus (Celtic), McNaughton (Cardiff), Murty (Reading), Neilson (Hearts), Pressley (Hearts), Weir (Everton), McFiver (Fiver Towers), Brown (Hibernian), Ferguson (Rangers), Fletcher (Manchester United), Hartley (Hearts), McCulloch (Wigan), Quashie (West Brom), Severin (Aberdeen), Teale (Wigan), Boyd (Rangers), McFadden (Everton), Miller (Celtic), O'Connor (Lokomotiv Moscow).
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Steve McClaren's Lethal Weapon and Bill Shankly RIP
Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning
Friday September 29, 2006
Guardian Unlimited
PARKER BACK FOR ENGLAND
Like most English city centres, Newcastle on a Sunday morning is an unholy tapestry of litter, puke and passed-out drunks. And if you happen to be there and sober, you too may wish you were unconscious - otherwise your eyes may be assailed by the sight of Steve McClaren gyrating in hot pants while waving his lethal weapon. Utterly inappropriately, you see, the overweight England manager who looks like he'd be retching after five minutes' running his hand through his ginger Elvis quiff, let alone a 13-mile jaunt across an industrial wasteland, has been booked to fire the starting gun for Sunday's Great North Run.
The most strenuous thing McClaren has done in the build-up to the event is announce the England squad for the forthcoming Euro 2008 tussles with Croatia and Macedonia. He did that this afternoon mere seconds before the Fiver went to press, but the 24 names were exactly as expected: Owen Hargreaves and Aaron Lennon weren't picked because they're injured, while Kevin Nolan was left out because Bolton are about as fashionable as burqas in Weird Uncle's Fiver's deluxe gentlemen's club. For similar reason, MU Rowdies waster Kieran Richardson was preferred to Aston Villa's dynamo Gareth Barry.
Following news that David Beckham sought solace in Tom Cruise after being overlooked by McClaren last month, Nolan and Barry are believed to have already written heartfelt requests for advice to screen icons Phillip Schofield and Lee MacDonald. Scott Parker hasn't had to pick up his pen, however, as the Toon captain has been drafted in to replace Hargreaves. "Scott is a player his team-mates respect and look up to," said Newcastle boss Glenn Roeder of his pint-sized leader. "He's doing what I said he would do - have a better season this year than he did last." Which is more than can be said for Wayne Rooney, who has been recalled following his suspension for ball-tampering during the World Cup.
Full squad: Robinson, Foster, Kirkland; G Neville, Brown, Terry, Ferdinand, Carragher, King, A Cole, Bridge, Morris-dancing Fiver, P Neville, Lampard, Gerrard, Jenas, Carrick, Richardson, Downing, Wright-Phillips, Parker; Rooney, Crouch, Johnson, Defoe.
* * * * * * * * * * * *
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"We do seem to play well at night, and we are unbeaten in the dark. We should introduce some new training methods and work on the players' Circadian rhythms to try to make them think it is night time before every game" - Watford manager Adrian Boothroyd announces his latest brainwave. One of these days he might stumble across an even more ingenious idea: winning a football match.
*********************
SHANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
Bill Shankly is the man who kick-started the "50 years of tradition you can't buy" that Liverpool fans are always screeching about on radio phone-ins and, with today marking the 25th anniversary of his death, it's no surprise to hear that there was a run on black ribbon across Merseyside today - or that opportunistic scallies are now making a killing in the lucrative bootleg black-armband market.
A commemorative ceremony is being staged at Anfield today for Shankly, who famously led Liverpool to three League titles, two FA Cups and the Uefa Cup. But the Fiver would like to do its own small bit to mark the anniversary of the passing of the man loved so much by Liverpool Football Club that they ejected him from the training ground shortly after his retirement and asked him not to come back, leaving him harbouring no end of resentment and bitterness.
Of course these weren't the only traits the Scot shared with your average Scouser. Shankly was also renowned for his famous "wit" - having peddled a mediocre line in observations that were only marginally less bland than the kind spouted today by Alan Shearer. Most often misquoted is that one about football being more important than life or death, but the Fiver's favourite came when Shanks was asked what he thought about the team on the other side of Stanley Park. "There are only two teams in Liverpool," he harrumphed. "Liverpool and Liverpool reserves." No doubt he changed his tune when Liverpool showed him the door, forcing him to live out his dotage helping Everton's youth team.
*********************
THE RUMOUR MILL
West Brom want Burnley manager Steve Cotterill to give their ailing promotion challenge a kick up the bracket.
Internazionale head honcho Massimo Moratti wants Rafa Benitez to take over at the San Siro.
And Juventus will sign Real Madrid wastrel Robinho if they gain promotion this season.
* * * * * * * * * * *
STILL WANT MORE?
Harry Pearson laughs at Chelsea's Bollywood plans.
Kevin Pullein on why caretaker managers are usually worth a sly bet.
Got something on your chest? Get rid of it on our Sports Blog.
And in tomorrow's £1.40 Berliner Big Paper: an exclusive interview with Villa's rising star Gabriel Agbonlahor, Russell Brand on whatever Russell Brand fancies talking about, and Deep Impact's trainer on preparing the world's best racehorse.
* * * * * * * * * * *
NEWS IN BRIEF
Ben Thatcher will not face police charges for attempting to decapitate Pedro Mendes at the City of Manchester Stadium last month.
Lemon-sucking Newcastle manager Glenn Roeder has signed the club's former keeper Pavel Srnicek, 83, on a short-term deal.
Good news on the injury front for the MU Rowdies: Mikael Silvestre is out for six weeks with a knacked metatarsal.
Three years after losing his mojo, Raul has finally been dropped by Spain for their Euro 2008 qualifier against Sweden.
And Barry Ferguson has returned to the Scotland squad for next month's defeats to France and Ukraine. Full squad: N Alexander (Cardiff), Gallacher (Norwich), Gordon (Hearts), G Alexander (Preston), Anderson (Aberdeen), Caldwell (Celtic), Dailly (West Ham), McManus (Celtic), McNaughton (Cardiff), Murty (Reading), Neilson (Hearts), Pressley (Hearts), Weir (Everton), McFiver (Fiver Towers), Brown (Hibernian), Ferguson (Rangers), Fletcher (Manchester United), Hartley (Hearts), McCulloch (Wigan), Quashie (West Brom), Severin (Aberdeen), Teale (Wigan), Boyd (Rangers), McFadden (Everton), Miller (Celtic), O'Connor (Lokomotiv Moscow).
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