Reflections of a Hillsborough Survivor - 20 years on(wrote by me John Doherty)
(Still no justice)
I can't stand the month of April, detest it with a passion. To me there are only 11 months in the year because April doesn't exist. But unfortunately it does and as we enter April you can't get away from it.
I can't stand seeing April as a date written on anything, like the top of newspapers or pages on teletext. It sends a cold feeling down my spine, but there is no getting away from it.
Then there are the other reminders like walking around the supermarket and sell by dates on food start getting closer to the 15th - another reminder and one which catches you off your guard.
Easter as a holiday has gone out of the window because you know what's going to follow.
April is the start of spring, where nature starts showing signs of new life and a feeling of the end of the darkness of winter and the start of something new, but April feels darker than any of the winter months.
Obviously I have never bought the scum and until the day i pass away myself i never ever will not even to wipe me arse on it SCUM
I always enjoyed Mayday because of political reasons and fights but now it has added significance because it marks the end of April.
So I find that from the 8th onwards I start trying to recollect what my movements would have been leading up to the semi in 1989 (probably struggling with maths homework). But I find that I cant really recall much before the 15th but obviously everything following the match.
I can remember doing a sweepstake as I always did with mates at school for the first scorer and making sure that I got a standing ticket for Leppings Lane because in 1988 I could only get a seat in the upper Leppings Lane but not much else.
I'd never seen a dead body before the 15.4.89, not even a relative, that soon changed.i have never ever been so frightened in my life and only being nearly 14 years old made the situation very much worse,being young fellow reds helped me more than themselves to get me out of there knowing i had a much longer life to live, having to grow up start puberty start dating etc etc and this sticks in the back of my head as even being so young i still picture that awful scene and how these people risked there lives for a young lad they didnt even know but classed me as one of there own as i was a LIVERPUDLIAN, my uncles m8 who came with us fought desperate 4 his own live but had the will to get me out of there alive even knowing he was in agony pain and yes knowing he was dying.
So many bodies.
As for many the Anniversary is the only day when you open that box of feelings held deep inside yourself and open the lock that keeps it all contained and allow all those feelings to come to the surface.
Personally I always used to attend the Anniversary service wherever it was held because it was a sanctuary and being amongst others who understood your feelings for that one day, a place to feel comfortable in letting your feelings show.
Until the 17th Anniversary when the addresses towards the end of the memorial seemed to change in content to something more akin to a political broadcast.
It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I don't need my guilt being added to the survivors guilt I already feel about getting out of those cages of death alive, when 96 of our friends didn't and especially don't need it adding to on the 15th when that lock on my box of feelings has been released.
I just wish that the lectures about issues like standing at football matches would be kept for another day.
So come the 18th Anniversary I just couldn't handle attending and went down the Mersey instead and just watched the river, but that just felt worse.
So the only place for me on the,19th Memorial service, was to go back to Anfield and salute the 96 heroes, I've tried spending the day elsewhere but for me it doesn't work, I can't release that lock.
So now I feel that my sanctuary has been compromised and I don't know what to do?
Now I find that the only way now to attend the Memorial is to leave before the final addresses which means having to miss the singing of 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. which hurts me as well being are anthem, my cousin Leon Lopez has sang a few with Gerry Marsdan
I would prefer not to but for my own sanity with that lock open, for a short time once a year, I have enough emotion and feelings floating around without anyone else adding to it.
Personally the 15th is a day of remembrance in a month full of ****. I just hope we are able to do just that ...
Remember.
JUSTICE FOR THE 96
(wrote by me John Doherty A Hillsborough Survivor)
R.I.P All 96 and Liam Harker
(Still no justice)
I can't stand the month of April, detest it with a passion. To me there are only 11 months in the year because April doesn't exist. But unfortunately it does and as we enter April you can't get away from it.
I can't stand seeing April as a date written on anything, like the top of newspapers or pages on teletext. It sends a cold feeling down my spine, but there is no getting away from it.
Then there are the other reminders like walking around the supermarket and sell by dates on food start getting closer to the 15th - another reminder and one which catches you off your guard.
Easter as a holiday has gone out of the window because you know what's going to follow.
April is the start of spring, where nature starts showing signs of new life and a feeling of the end of the darkness of winter and the start of something new, but April feels darker than any of the winter months.
Obviously I have never bought the scum and until the day i pass away myself i never ever will not even to wipe me arse on it SCUM
I always enjoyed Mayday because of political reasons and fights but now it has added significance because it marks the end of April.
So I find that from the 8th onwards I start trying to recollect what my movements would have been leading up to the semi in 1989 (probably struggling with maths homework). But I find that I cant really recall much before the 15th but obviously everything following the match.
I can remember doing a sweepstake as I always did with mates at school for the first scorer and making sure that I got a standing ticket for Leppings Lane because in 1988 I could only get a seat in the upper Leppings Lane but not much else.
I'd never seen a dead body before the 15.4.89, not even a relative, that soon changed.i have never ever been so frightened in my life and only being nearly 14 years old made the situation very much worse,being young fellow reds helped me more than themselves to get me out of there knowing i had a much longer life to live, having to grow up start puberty start dating etc etc and this sticks in the back of my head as even being so young i still picture that awful scene and how these people risked there lives for a young lad they didnt even know but classed me as one of there own as i was a LIVERPUDLIAN, my uncles m8 who came with us fought desperate 4 his own live but had the will to get me out of there alive even knowing he was in agony pain and yes knowing he was dying.
So many bodies.
As for many the Anniversary is the only day when you open that box of feelings held deep inside yourself and open the lock that keeps it all contained and allow all those feelings to come to the surface.
Personally I always used to attend the Anniversary service wherever it was held because it was a sanctuary and being amongst others who understood your feelings for that one day, a place to feel comfortable in letting your feelings show.
Until the 17th Anniversary when the addresses towards the end of the memorial seemed to change in content to something more akin to a political broadcast.
It was the last thing I wanted to hear. I don't need my guilt being added to the survivors guilt I already feel about getting out of those cages of death alive, when 96 of our friends didn't and especially don't need it adding to on the 15th when that lock on my box of feelings has been released.
I just wish that the lectures about issues like standing at football matches would be kept for another day.
So come the 18th Anniversary I just couldn't handle attending and went down the Mersey instead and just watched the river, but that just felt worse.
So the only place for me on the,19th Memorial service, was to go back to Anfield and salute the 96 heroes, I've tried spending the day elsewhere but for me it doesn't work, I can't release that lock.
So now I feel that my sanctuary has been compromised and I don't know what to do?
Now I find that the only way now to attend the Memorial is to leave before the final addresses which means having to miss the singing of 'You'll Never Walk Alone'. which hurts me as well being are anthem, my cousin Leon Lopez has sang a few with Gerry Marsdan
I would prefer not to but for my own sanity with that lock open, for a short time once a year, I have enough emotion and feelings floating around without anyone else adding to it.
Personally the 15th is a day of remembrance in a month full of ****. I just hope we are able to do just that ...
Remember.
JUSTICE FOR THE 96
(wrote by me John Doherty A Hillsborough Survivor)
R.I.P All 96 and Liam Harker