Merseyside Police are tonight investigating a case of serious fraud at Anfield.
It is thought that a criminal gang infiltrated the Liverpool dressing room before tonight's game against Portsmouth and kidnapped the entire Liverpool team before stealing their identities.
Chief Inspector Parry, leading the investigation despite himself being investigated for serial incompetence said "This is a rich crime scene. We know that a serious case of identity fraud has been committed as there are at least four cases where the Liverpool team acted in an uncharacteristic manner."
It is believed that the criminal gang have been laying low for some time, in a desparate hope to get the police off their scent, but Parry has not been fooled. " There are at least two very interesting incidents. The first where a little known Italian gangster has appeared, perhaps for the first time in years, and stroked home a corker of a shot to leave the Portsmouth keeper stranded.
On another occassion a well known renogade Dutch rapper has appeared to also steal a shot through the Portsmouth defence which benefited the Liverpool team before half time."
It is also thought that English and Spanish criminal gangs were also involved. "Usually they are seen moping around, but on this occassion it appears they did their jobs with a degree of efficiency and, it would appear, without whingeing."
The Englishman, known in Liverpool as 'Stevie', is also thought to have had a revenge motive in his display "He clearly was giving a damn" said Parry.
Parry is particularly worried about the gang's next target. "We are worried that the gang might be after two low profile targets - 4th place in the premiership and the losers cup in Europe before embarking on some bigger targets".
However, Parry remarked that he is specifically interested in catching the ring master. "We believe the gang is being led by a mysterious comic book villain known as Rafa who at various points can intrigue and bewilder onlookers."
It is believed the gang are now planning to hit again in Liverpool before attempting their most audacious crime in recent times - to strike sobriety into some old soak in Manchester.
Liverpool Spokesman Cotton said "move along, nothing to see here".
It is thought that a criminal gang infiltrated the Liverpool dressing room before tonight's game against Portsmouth and kidnapped the entire Liverpool team before stealing their identities.
Chief Inspector Parry, leading the investigation despite himself being investigated for serial incompetence said "This is a rich crime scene. We know that a serious case of identity fraud has been committed as there are at least four cases where the Liverpool team acted in an uncharacteristic manner."
It is believed that the criminal gang have been laying low for some time, in a desparate hope to get the police off their scent, but Parry has not been fooled. " There are at least two very interesting incidents. The first where a little known Italian gangster has appeared, perhaps for the first time in years, and stroked home a corker of a shot to leave the Portsmouth keeper stranded.
On another occassion a well known renogade Dutch rapper has appeared to also steal a shot through the Portsmouth defence which benefited the Liverpool team before half time."
It is also thought that English and Spanish criminal gangs were also involved. "Usually they are seen moping around, but on this occassion it appears they did their jobs with a degree of efficiency and, it would appear, without whingeing."
The Englishman, known in Liverpool as 'Stevie', is also thought to have had a revenge motive in his display "He clearly was giving a damn" said Parry.
Parry is particularly worried about the gang's next target. "We are worried that the gang might be after two low profile targets - 4th place in the premiership and the losers cup in Europe before embarking on some bigger targets".
However, Parry remarked that he is specifically interested in catching the ring master. "We believe the gang is being led by a mysterious comic book villain known as Rafa who at various points can intrigue and bewilder onlookers."
It is believed the gang are now planning to hit again in Liverpool before attempting their most audacious crime in recent times - to strike sobriety into some old soak in Manchester.
Liverpool Spokesman Cotton said "move along, nothing to see here".
Brilliant! 
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