Some golden oldies from the readers letters pages of Viz; 
As you would expect - not PC!
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one's erse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. **********!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
*****. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.
Chris Stink
email
Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.
Christina Martin
email
These do-gooders are now telling us we shouldn't hunt elephants. Perhaps they'd like to explain where precisely we're going to get our ivory from?
I HAVE recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?
A Wood
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
They say you can't trust anybody these days.
Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.
Steven Arthurs, Bristol
We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops.
Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations?
D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID
This lesbian disease seems to be spreading to all our tv soaps nowadays.
Is this really the sort of thing we want our families to watch?
The BBC should bring back Dirty Den, he'd give these lesbians a good bloody seeing to.
That would sort them out.
D.Fireplace, Ipswich
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
"Dear Viz. Please could you settle an argument.
My friend says Paul Daniels owns Mother Shiptons Cave.
I say he is just a horrible little tw@."
"Actually, you are both correct".
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt
According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
*****. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
As you would expect - not PC!
What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved
one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!"
The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a
flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story
straight.
T Potter
TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older"
when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one's erse:
I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeown
I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can
testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil Palmer
WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray
THEY SAY that slow and steady wins the race. **********!
I am an athletics coach specialising in the 100 metre sprint, and I find
the best tactic by far is to go as quickly as possible.
Ashley Smith
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
*****. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
The other day when boarding a number 83 bus, i noticed that the driver was a woman. Now Im all for interesting sociological experiments, but I draw the line at risking peoples lives. Come on London transport, get your priorities straight.
Chris Stink
Why is it that pubs wont serve me if Im drunk, but McDonalds continue serving them fat f***ers? its hardly fair.
Christina Martin
These do-gooders are now telling us we shouldn't hunt elephants. Perhaps they'd like to explain where precisely we're going to get our ivory from?
I HAVE recently started to m@sturb@te whilst fantasising about Jeanette Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight or a p@edophile What do your readers think?
A Wood
They say "you can't judge a book by its cover". What nonsense. The last edition of High School An@l that I bought featured a young lady stuffing a big one up her bomb-bay on the front page, and this turned out to be an excellent indication of the contents.
Mark Roberts
Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
Mike Woods, e-mail
With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the tw@t quickly enough the last time he played hide and seek with them.
Shuggie, Email
It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
They say you can't trust anybody these days.
Sadly, it is true, only yesterday, I broke into my next door neighbors, stole his telly and smashed up his house whilst he was out shopping.
Steven Arthurs, Bristol
We are police vice squad officers, that is to say porn cops, and our favourite breakfast cereal is Corn Pops.
Do any other readers have favourite breakfast cereals that are spoonerisms of their occupations?
D.S Jackson and D.C Cobham. thames valley CID
This lesbian disease seems to be spreading to all our tv soaps nowadays.
Is this really the sort of thing we want our families to watch?
The BBC should bring back Dirty Den, he'd give these lesbians a good bloody seeing to.
That would sort them out.
D.Fireplace, Ipswich
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail lose 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. she was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmers letter (above). I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps thats because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
"Dear Viz. Please could you settle an argument.
My friend says Paul Daniels owns Mother Shiptons Cave.
I say he is just a horrible little tw@."
"Actually, you are both correct".
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied '<unt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately! Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
How come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for the rich and another for the poor.
Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
Hats off to the England cricketers for their achievements in the Ashes this summer, which rightly earned Andrew 'Freddie' Flintoff BBC Sports personality of the Year. Winning a two-team tournament against a nation with a much smaller population once in every ten attempts, then never shutting up about it makes me proud to be British.
Ben Hunt
According to Nietzsche, "That which does not kill me makes me stronger". I'm sure my grandad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for the past 12 years.
A Thorne, Sandbach
Peter Andre might look smug in all his wedding pictures, but I'd just
like to remind him that, as a Playboy reader, I have seen his wife's
*****. He hasn't seen my wife's, so who's had the last laugh?
P Lorimer, Leeds
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