what's you alltime favorite jokes

[redlancer]

you know the ones you just automatically think off and laff out aloud.

got a couple

skeleton walks into a bar
"pint of beer and a mop please"

I'd prefer to see a pregnant woman stand
than a fat girl cry.

[captainfog]

I could tell you the one about the hole, but I'm afraid you'd find it too deep

[carty1976]

2 Fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "got any idea how to drive this thing"

I ran into Van Gogh in the pub, I said, "fancy a pint". He said, "no thanks, i have one 'ere"

[RedJedi]

One cow says to another "what do you think about this mad cow disease" other one say "doesnt bother me im a chicken"


2 old fellas with Alzheimer's, one says " do ya fancy an ice cream" Other says "yeah".
He ****s off and comes back 10 mins later with 2 bags of chips. Other one says "you stupid c*nt, you forgot me fish"

[kop1te]

Darth Vader says to Luke I know what you've got for Christmas....

I've felt your presents

[RedJedi]

Obi One and Luke go for a chinese, Obi uses the chop sticks. Not to be out done Luke trys to use them but keeps dropping his food. Ben says " Use the forks Luke"

[kop1te]

Obi One and Luke go for a chinese, Obi uses the chop sticks. Not to be out done Luke trys to use them but keeps dropping his food. Ben says " Use the forks Luke"

[BJC]

what's brown and sticky...





****...

[BJC]

Don't buy Ukranian underpants...

Chernobyl fallout...

[Paul.S]

Whats a jews biggest dilema?


Free Bacon

[spud_gun]

2 Fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says, "got any idea how to drive this thing"

2 fish in a tank. One turns to the other and says "you get the guns and i'll drive"

[Shaggy]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

"Where's the goddam, mother****ing Manager you cock sucking arse wipe?", the bloke asks.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this ******* joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"**** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the ****ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"****ing deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling ****, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays
the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to
adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

[Nate7]

what do you call someone else's cheese?
Nacho cheese!!

[Tee]

This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

"Where's the goddam, mother****ing Manager you cock sucking arse wipe?", the bloke asks.

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me, sir, but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can."

The manager comes over and the bloke asks, "Are you the chicken ****ing manager of this ******* joint?". "Yes, sir, I am," replies the manager, "and I would prefer it if you could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

"**** off!" replies the bloke. "And where's the ****ing piano?"

"Pardon?" says the manager.

"****ing deaf as well are we? You little piece of sniveling ****, show us your pissing piano."

"Ahhhh," replies the manager. "You've come about the pianist's job," and shows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?"

"Of course I ****ing can," and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"Why, that's superb, what's it called?"

"I want to **** your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting my knob," replies the pianist.

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The bloke proceeds to play the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has ever heard.

"Magnificent!" cries the manager. "What's it called?"

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but my bollocks got caught in the soap drawer".

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic ballads, the bloke then plays
the most heartbreaking melody.

"And what's this called?" asks the manager.

"As I **** you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece," replies the bloke.

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but offers him the job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any of the customers.

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night, sitting opposite him, is the most gorgeous blonde he has ever laid his eyes on. She's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are almost falling out the top and the skimpy little 'G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with her legs slightly open, sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the butter is dripping down her chin! It's too much for the bloke and he runs off to the bogs to 'wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears the manager's voice...

"Where's that bloody pianist?"

He just has time to shoot his bolt and in a fluster he runs back to the piano, not having bothered to
adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing some more tunes. The blonde steps up and walks over to the piano, leans over and whispers in his ear:

"Do you know your knob and balls are hanging out your trousers and dripping spunk on your shoes?".

"Know it," the pianist replies, "I ****ing wrote it!"

[redbuz]

Well Done Shaggy!