what's you alltime favorite jokes

[alunevans]

A sailor comes into the docks at Liverpool after spending months at sea and only has 2 things on his mind - a bevvy and a shag.

He pops into the first hostelry he finds on the Dock Road and downs 5 pints in no time , he then asks the barman where he can find a dirty brass.

He starts at Lime Street but finds only a skanky old hag in her late 80's shouting "50p for a shag" , he decides to give that a miss and heads up to the back of the Royal hospital but the local prozzies are all missing , he heads off to the back of the Anglican Cathedral bur finds a similar lack of ladies of the night.

Pissed off , he heads back into town for a few more bevvies , determined to try his luck later. After another enjoyable 5 pints he heads back over to Lime Street but again only finds the old hag shouting "50p for a shag". He heads back up to the Royal and the Cathedral but agin , nothing doing.


He has 5 more pints in the Big House and very much the worse for wear heads back to Lime Street. Again there is only the old hag present , but desperate for his hole and not thinking that he can walk any further he approaches her and agrees to give her a pound which she is delighted with.

He peeled up her skirt and with great difficulty managed to enter her arrid wrinkled vagina with the help of a bit of lubricating mucus. After a while he began to enjoy himself and ripped her top open to suck her nipple. To his suprise milk began flowing out and he got really carried away and had one of the best orgasms in his life.

As he was putting himself back away , he asked the old woman how come she still managed to lactate at her age , to which she replied "That wasn't my tit that was a boil"

Always a good one to tell at dinner parties

[REDSCOUSER]

One cow says to another "what do you think about this mad cow disease" other one say "doesnt bother me im a chicken"


2 old fellas with Alzheimer's, one says " do ya fancy an ice cream" Other says "yeah".
He ****s off and comes back 10 mins later with 2 bags of chips. Other one says "you stupid c*nt, you forgot me fish"

[der_Fuchs]

In India, Richard Gere is sent down for kissing Shilpa Shetty, but fearing the Indian prison system he manages to negotiate his term in a luxury Beverly Hills prison. Unfortunately his lawyers are powerless to control the transport arrangements, and he ends up sharing a dimly lit cell with the notorious 'Crusher' during the 16 hour flight from Delhi.
As the plane warms up, the 25stone serial killer reveals that he has a fear of flying, and suggests that perhaps Richard would care to alleviate the tension through a little role play that Crusher picked up from therapy. Reluctantly, Richard agrees.
'Thanks for being a sport,' says Crusher. 'It's a fairly simple game, called mummies and daddies. Since I enjoyed 'Officer and a Gentleman', I'll let you choose: would you like to be mummy, or daddy?'
This is a no brainer for Gere. 'Daddy,' he shouts, quite relieved at the way things have turned out.
'That's fair enough,' admits Crusher.' Come and suck mummy's cock.'

[Abdul Alhazred]

What's the difference between Bing Crosby and Walt Disney?
[scottishaccent]Bing sings but Walt Disney[/scottishaccent]

[Fubar]

2 condoms are walking past a gay bar when one turns to the other and says

"should we go in there and get **** faced?"

[badpiggy]

how do you know if your girlfriend is on steroids?

if she turns you over in bed and bum****s you with her clitoris

[Morten_nogamst_Pedersen]

Dunno if this one works in English, but here we go:

A vampire knocks on a blonde's door.
She opens the door and the vampire says:
- I've come to suck blood!

She replies:
- Then you've come to the wrong place. Here we only suck cocks.

[BJC]

What's pink and hard....






.. the Financial Times crossword ...







A pig with a flick knife....






(The best answer is of course - A cock - but the dadaism might have been missed with the 'brown and sticky' gag that I thought it was too dangerous this time...)