If Tommy Cooper Were Alive Today

[Fan65]

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave
me a Volkswagen with no driver.

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he
went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in
my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet.
'Best Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch." I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The
bloke said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He
said, "You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put
It down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered
just went on and on.

The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary
work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having
me on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything." I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me
I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked
me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on
two counts.

I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said
"Eurostar" I said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do
the splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make
Tuesdays or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"

[cadmium]

[Steve]

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it."

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

And the back of his anorak was leaping up and down, and people were chucking money to him. I said, 'Do you earn a living doing that?'. He said, 'Yes, this my livelihood'.

[Steve]

My wife had a go at me last night. She said, "You'll drive me to my grave." I had the car out in thirty seconds.

[Fierce]

Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
he gave me a kite.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu.'
So I went, and I got it.'

I was in the attic the other day with the wife. Damp and dusty.........but she's great with the kids!

'I became a member of The Secret Seven. It's so secret, I don't even know who the other six are...'

[Laz]

I think it's a bit unfair that these quotes are attributed to Tommy Cooper when most of them are by Tim Vine. I'm not saying the influence isn't there but come on, you'd be pissed off.