The hunt for Matthew Kelly
By Barry McMullen.
I opened up that jar of pickles. My pants at my ankles. I couldn't believe i was tiling the kitchen of stars in their eyes superstar Matthew Kelly. Matthew may not have been home, but i was certainly going to be enjoying his pickle, whether he wanted me to or not. I sniggered to myself as i thought, “ tonight Matthew, i am going to be. Eating your ****ing pickle with an erection the size of the great wall of china.”
It was then that i heard the door knob jiggle and who should walk in but former 'Gladiators' referee John Anderson. He was doing some wall papering for his old friend Matthew while he was away on business opening up a lidl in Hull. Unfortunately for me i didn't know this. I was rumbled.
“What do you think you're doing?” Bellowed Anderson with all the force of hurricane Katrina. I pulled up my pants and put my overalls back on. Anderson just looked at me in horror. I explained to him that i had been hired by Matthew to do some tiling in his kitchen while he was off in Hull and had gotten a bit carried away. Anderson being a burly Scottish gentleman offered not to tell Kelly of this incident (i was relieved as apparently Kelly once castrated a Neil Diamond impersonator for accidentally wandering into his dressing room and leaving a fart.) The catch however was that i was to help him strip Kelly's living room so he could apply the new floral pattern wall paper that Kelly had purchased. I obviously agreed. The wrath of Kelly was something i wanted to avoid.
It was a good 3 hours before we had gotten the seamen stained wall paper off the walls and it was then that Johns phone rang. It was the theme from gladiators. I looked at him with a cheeky grin and he let out a small chuckle. I couldn't believe i was sharing a moment like this with a star of these proportions. All the lads down the boozer wouldn't believe this. I'd need a picture. I reach for my phone just as John had answered his. I could see from the look on his face though i wouldn't be getting a picture. He looked angrier than my Jewish girlfriend when i served her up a pork sausage under the guise of it being beef.
John angrily hung up his phone and used a few expletives in the pleasing baritone that was his voice. He then said that Matthew had called him up and wanted him to lay some lino. I agreed with him when he described it as him taking liberties. “Just because you're a mega star doesn't mean we're his servants.” I was shocked at Matthew, after all John was quite the celebrity himself. John then told me he had told Matthew to go **** himself. He took out his whistle and blew it in rage. The phone then rang again. He answered it saying “Matthew i won't be...” There was an eerie silence. And he took his whistle and blew it in what can only be described as fear.
He came of the phone and said “Matthew has been kidnapped. They called me on his instruction. Apparently, the brazilian government want him to front a rouge stars in their eyes special. And he's refused, but they're forcing him to do it regardless!” He then blew his whistle. Not for any reason. Just because he wanted to.
“We can't allow this” i bellowed. “He wouldn't let you referee a rouge gladiators!”
“I know” John said. “We have to help him”
He then took out his phone and frantically began to punch in the numbers.
“Hello, Andi” He said. “Remember you owe me a favour. We'll i'm calling on it. Get Ed the duck from the loft and your car from the garage. We're going on a road trip.” He then hung up and said to me. “We're getting him and we have Andi Peters and Ed the duck to help us, how can we fail.” He then shouted. “Barry. On my first whistle. Ready.” And he blew his whistle and i was ready. Ready to save Matthew Kelly with some of the countries most famous people.
By Barry McMullen.
I opened up that jar of pickles. My pants at my ankles. I couldn't believe i was tiling the kitchen of stars in their eyes superstar Matthew Kelly. Matthew may not have been home, but i was certainly going to be enjoying his pickle, whether he wanted me to or not. I sniggered to myself as i thought, “ tonight Matthew, i am going to be. Eating your ****ing pickle with an erection the size of the great wall of china.”
It was then that i heard the door knob jiggle and who should walk in but former 'Gladiators' referee John Anderson. He was doing some wall papering for his old friend Matthew while he was away on business opening up a lidl in Hull. Unfortunately for me i didn't know this. I was rumbled.
“What do you think you're doing?” Bellowed Anderson with all the force of hurricane Katrina. I pulled up my pants and put my overalls back on. Anderson just looked at me in horror. I explained to him that i had been hired by Matthew to do some tiling in his kitchen while he was off in Hull and had gotten a bit carried away. Anderson being a burly Scottish gentleman offered not to tell Kelly of this incident (i was relieved as apparently Kelly once castrated a Neil Diamond impersonator for accidentally wandering into his dressing room and leaving a fart.) The catch however was that i was to help him strip Kelly's living room so he could apply the new floral pattern wall paper that Kelly had purchased. I obviously agreed. The wrath of Kelly was something i wanted to avoid.
It was a good 3 hours before we had gotten the seamen stained wall paper off the walls and it was then that Johns phone rang. It was the theme from gladiators. I looked at him with a cheeky grin and he let out a small chuckle. I couldn't believe i was sharing a moment like this with a star of these proportions. All the lads down the boozer wouldn't believe this. I'd need a picture. I reach for my phone just as John had answered his. I could see from the look on his face though i wouldn't be getting a picture. He looked angrier than my Jewish girlfriend when i served her up a pork sausage under the guise of it being beef.
John angrily hung up his phone and used a few expletives in the pleasing baritone that was his voice. He then said that Matthew had called him up and wanted him to lay some lino. I agreed with him when he described it as him taking liberties. “Just because you're a mega star doesn't mean we're his servants.” I was shocked at Matthew, after all John was quite the celebrity himself. John then told me he had told Matthew to go **** himself. He took out his whistle and blew it in rage. The phone then rang again. He answered it saying “Matthew i won't be...” There was an eerie silence. And he took his whistle and blew it in what can only be described as fear.
He came of the phone and said “Matthew has been kidnapped. They called me on his instruction. Apparently, the brazilian government want him to front a rouge stars in their eyes special. And he's refused, but they're forcing him to do it regardless!” He then blew his whistle. Not for any reason. Just because he wanted to.
“We can't allow this” i bellowed. “He wouldn't let you referee a rouge gladiators!”
“I know” John said. “We have to help him”
He then took out his phone and frantically began to punch in the numbers.
“Hello, Andi” He said. “Remember you owe me a favour. We'll i'm calling on it. Get Ed the duck from the loft and your car from the garage. We're going on a road trip.” He then hung up and said to me. “We're getting him and we have Andi Peters and Ed the duck to help us, how can we fail.” He then shouted. “Barry. On my first whistle. Ready.” And he blew his whistle and i was ready. Ready to save Matthew Kelly with some of the countries most famous people.