nicked from football365
Now there's a Mrs Neviller, we re-live the day through the entirely fictitious eyes of the groom. What was their first dance? Will he remember the name of the smelly girl? Will he wear his shirt?
06.00 hours
Woke up with a headache after a wild pre-wedding night playing Scrabble and drinking advocaat (with lemonade) with Silly Billy Philly, Mum and Dad Dad - gave Mum a Chinese burn when she wouldn't let me use 'PEEPEE' or 'WINKIE' and, as captain of my own Scrabble team, I had to chase her around the divan to protest the decision. We switched to Twister and I pulled my groin. Mum told me to stop.
08.00 hours
Cried on the phone with lovely David because he was playing in a silly game of beach football and couldn't come to the wedding - was sad because I was hoping he'd stand up and shout 'it should have been me' when the vicar asked if there was any just impeda impede reason. And he does look dreamy in a suit.
10.00 hours
If it wasn't bad enough that I had to marry a girl (and everyone knows girls smell), Dad Dad made me take off my Manchester United shirt. I had to make do with Man United socks, grundiepants, cufflinks, keyring and handkerchief. Dad Dad said I could put the shirt back on at the reception for the first dance - our special song Come On You Reds.
12.00 hours
Told Mum I didn't care that all the England players are going to Scousie Gerrard or nice Michael Carrick's wedding instead. I didn't want Silly Billy Philly there anyway. And I knew Parky would make a fantastic best man speech - it was worth splashing out on a Korean interpreter.
14.00 hours
Half an hour until kick-off so I did my usual pre-match routine - read the bit in Managing My Life where Sir (can't believe he had a dentist appointment on a Saturday. Boo.) writes about me, read it again, and then read it again. I did have a little panic about Emma (is that her name? Must ask Dad Dad) but Mum said she knows not to wear something blue or the wedding's off.
14.30 hours
I married a smelly girl. We both cried. Especially when the vicar said I could kiss the bride. After some negotiations we agreed that I could kiss my Mum and Dad Dad could kiss Emma (?). Was very mad that some quests had dared to wear something other than red. I slide-tackled Aunty Violet for wearing a blue hat. Chelski scum.
17.00 hours
My speech seemed to go down really, really well - what a really top idea to read out of the Official History of Manchester United. Emma just cried...she's been crying ever since that day on the lovely island of Malta when I asked for her hand and she got totally the wrong end of the stick like a silly smelly girl. I only wanted her to hold my ice cream while I had a pee-pee.
19.00 hours
Emma (?) made a silly girly fuss when I did the first dance with Parky in the full kit of the greatest team in the world ever. Come on you Reds, come on you Reds...just keep your bottle and use your heads...it's the best song ever, ever, ever.
20.00 hours
She tried to take back the bit in the vows (re-written slightly by me) where she promised to love and honour (she wouldn't say 'obey'. Blooming women's lib) my moustache and to be faithful to Manchester United as long as she lives. But she said it in church (the second most holy place in the world) so she can't take it back even if she crossed her fingers. Ha.
20.15 hours
It's so unfair. Nobody told me Ray Quinn was a dirty Scouser. I threw a vol-au-vent, a profiterole and a table decoration. Mum said I'd had too much Sunny Delight and sent me to the naughty step.
20.30 hours
In bed now. Pre-season training starts in 23 days. Told Emma (?) I'll see her next Sunday for dinner at Mum and Dad Dad's.
Now there's a Mrs Neviller, we re-live the day through the entirely fictitious eyes of the groom. What was their first dance? Will he remember the name of the smelly girl? Will he wear his shirt?
06.00 hours
Woke up with a headache after a wild pre-wedding night playing Scrabble and drinking advocaat (with lemonade) with Silly Billy Philly, Mum and Dad Dad - gave Mum a Chinese burn when she wouldn't let me use 'PEEPEE' or 'WINKIE' and, as captain of my own Scrabble team, I had to chase her around the divan to protest the decision. We switched to Twister and I pulled my groin. Mum told me to stop.
08.00 hours
Cried on the phone with lovely David because he was playing in a silly game of beach football and couldn't come to the wedding - was sad because I was hoping he'd stand up and shout 'it should have been me' when the vicar asked if there was any just impeda impede reason. And he does look dreamy in a suit.
10.00 hours
If it wasn't bad enough that I had to marry a girl (and everyone knows girls smell), Dad Dad made me take off my Manchester United shirt. I had to make do with Man United socks, grundiepants, cufflinks, keyring and handkerchief. Dad Dad said I could put the shirt back on at the reception for the first dance - our special song Come On You Reds.
12.00 hours
Told Mum I didn't care that all the England players are going to Scousie Gerrard or nice Michael Carrick's wedding instead. I didn't want Silly Billy Philly there anyway. And I knew Parky would make a fantastic best man speech - it was worth splashing out on a Korean interpreter.
14.00 hours
Half an hour until kick-off so I did my usual pre-match routine - read the bit in Managing My Life where Sir (can't believe he had a dentist appointment on a Saturday. Boo.) writes about me, read it again, and then read it again. I did have a little panic about Emma (is that her name? Must ask Dad Dad) but Mum said she knows not to wear something blue or the wedding's off.
14.30 hours
I married a smelly girl. We both cried. Especially when the vicar said I could kiss the bride. After some negotiations we agreed that I could kiss my Mum and Dad Dad could kiss Emma (?). Was very mad that some quests had dared to wear something other than red. I slide-tackled Aunty Violet for wearing a blue hat. Chelski scum.
17.00 hours
My speech seemed to go down really, really well - what a really top idea to read out of the Official History of Manchester United. Emma just cried...she's been crying ever since that day on the lovely island of Malta when I asked for her hand and she got totally the wrong end of the stick like a silly smelly girl. I only wanted her to hold my ice cream while I had a pee-pee.
19.00 hours
Emma (?) made a silly girly fuss when I did the first dance with Parky in the full kit of the greatest team in the world ever. Come on you Reds, come on you Reds...just keep your bottle and use your heads...it's the best song ever, ever, ever.
20.00 hours
She tried to take back the bit in the vows (re-written slightly by me) where she promised to love and honour (she wouldn't say 'obey'. Blooming women's lib) my moustache and to be faithful to Manchester United as long as she lives. But she said it in church (the second most holy place in the world) so she can't take it back even if she crossed her fingers. Ha.
20.15 hours
It's so unfair. Nobody told me Ray Quinn was a dirty Scouser. I threw a vol-au-vent, a profiterole and a table decoration. Mum said I'd had too much Sunny Delight and sent me to the naughty step.
20.30 hours
In bed now. Pre-season training starts in 23 days. Told Emma (?) I'll see her next Sunday for dinner at Mum and Dad Dad's.
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