Short, snappy jokes

[Kinell]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs out at sea?


Bob.

[kev776]

How do u stop a manc from drowing?

take your foot off his head

[cobain]

Why do women get periods?

Because they deserve them.

[cobain]

What's brown and sticky?










































































a stick.

[cobain]

What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?

A whore sleeps with everyone at the party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except you.

[kev776]

Whats he difference between a hound and a fox?

12 pints of Guinness

[Subby]

what do you call a russian prostitute?
Onyerbackyabitch


What's pink and hard in the morning?
the financial times crossword

[Rafanomenon]

Whats the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your whole week!!

also

How do you stop a dog from shagging your leg?

Pick it up and suck its cock!!

and

What do you call a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny on top of a fanny?

A block of flaps!!

[cobain]

Here's a visual short and snappy joke:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxBKzFsBSCU

[irishgeo]

did you hear about the english woodworm?















It was found dead in a brick.

[Bob]

what do you call a man with no arms and no legs out at sea?


Bob.

[Subby]

[James]

What's the best thing about a blowjob?



10 minutes of silence.

[James]

What's the difference between a wife and a lover?



About 45 lbs.








What's the difference between a husband and a lover?



About 45 minutes.

[checkpoint]

I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow ****.

Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load **** into a truck.

I went camping once, and got into an argument with a girlfriend in the tent. This is a really bad place to get in an argument, because I walked out and attempted to "slam the flap." How are you supposed to express your anger in this type of situation? Zipper it up really quick?

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! ****. Seven. I need more dice

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Wearing a turtleneck jumper is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

I played golf....I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy and that's way more satisfying. Your supposed to yell FORE, but I was too busy mumbling "no way that's gonna hit him..."

Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."

I was going to have my teeth whitened, but then I said "**** that, I'll just get a tan instead."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was

I bought myself a parrot; the parrot talked, but it did not say "I'm hungry," so it died

When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy so they start a waiting list, they say, "Dufrenes, party of two, table ready for Dufrenes, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say the name again: "Dufrenes, party of two." But then if no one answers, they'll move on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufrenes? No one seems to care. Who can eat at a time like this? People are missing. You people are selfish. The Dufrenes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry. That's a double whammy. We need help. "Bush, search party of three. You can eat once you find the Dufrenes."

This shirt is "dry-clean only," which means it's dirty

Some songs have a special meaning for man in regards to a woman. But this can backfire because maybe the song had deeper meaning to begin with and now it's been cheapened. We are the world/We are the children/We are the ones who make a better life/So let's keep on giving. "Remember that song baby? The night I ****ed you in the pet cemetery?"

I like rice. Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2,000 of something

I saw a commercial on late night TV, it said,"Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did. And it was a load off my mind. Then the comercial tried to sell me slipcovers, and I didn't know what the hell they were.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down