One day there was a shepherd looking after his sheep on the side of a
deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly, a brand new bright red
Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him.
The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier
watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, If I can guess how many sheep
you have can I keep one?
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says, Okay.
The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA
website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60
Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables then prints out a 150
page report on a high tech mini printer. She studies the report and
says to the shepherd, You have exactly 1,586 sheep.
The shepherd replies, That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.
The woman packs away her equipment, looks at the flock and puts an
animal in the boot of her Porsche.
As she is about to leave, the shepherd says, If I can guess your
profession, will you return the animal to me?
The woman thinks for a moment and then agrees.
The shepherd says, You are an Ofsted inspector.
Correct, responds the woman, but how did you know?
The shepherd replies, Simple. First you come without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do but
interfere anyway. ..Now, can I have my dog back?
If you an OI, and are easily offended, then may I suggest you have no sense of humour?
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a terrorist? You can
negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a paranoid
schizophrenic? The schizophrenic only thinks everyone hates them.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a haddock? One is wet
and slippery, and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a bank robber? None.
Once they have done their jobs, they get away as quickly as they can,
leaving devastation behind them.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a soldier? The
soldier jumps to orders and the inspector jumps to conclusions.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a plastic surgeon?
Well, the plastic surgeon tucks features.....
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a pile of s***? Well,
the pile of s*** actually has some use.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a baby's nappy? None.
They both contain an inexhaustible supply of the same thing.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a skunk? Some people
like skunks.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a serial killer? The
serial killer works to a method.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a Jehovah's Witness?
You can get rid of a Jehovah's Witness without needing a shotgun.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a politician? No-one
has the faintest idea how OFSTED inspectors are chosen.
And finally, What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a
Rottweiler? Pick your choice from; You can have a Rottweiler put down, a
Rottweiler has only one face, a Rottweiler doesn't smile just before it
attacks or a Rottweiler is a lot less aggressive.
*DEAD DUCK *
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed
owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he
replied."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The
cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head
to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead!!
"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan its now
$150.00.
deserted road in the Highlands. Suddenly, a brand new bright red
Porsche 911 appears and screeches to a halt beside him.
The driver, a woman wearing a Chanel suit, Ray Bans and a Cartier
watch, steps out and asks the shepherd, If I can guess how many sheep
you have can I keep one?
The shepherd looks at the large flock and says, Okay.
The woman connects a laptop to a mobile phone fax, enters the NASA
website, scans the field using GPS, opens a database linked to 60
Excel files with logarithms and pivot tables then prints out a 150
page report on a high tech mini printer. She studies the report and
says to the shepherd, You have exactly 1,586 sheep.
The shepherd replies, That's correct. You can have the pick of my flock.
The woman packs away her equipment, looks at the flock and puts an
animal in the boot of her Porsche.
As she is about to leave, the shepherd says, If I can guess your
profession, will you return the animal to me?
The woman thinks for a moment and then agrees.
The shepherd says, You are an Ofsted inspector.
Correct, responds the woman, but how did you know?
The shepherd replies, Simple. First you come without being invited.
Second, you wasted a lot of time telling me something I already knew.
Third, you don't understand anything about the work I do but
interfere anyway. ..Now, can I have my dog back?
If you an OI, and are easily offended, then may I suggest you have no sense of humour?
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a terrorist? You can
negotiate with a terrorist.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a paranoid
schizophrenic? The schizophrenic only thinks everyone hates them.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a haddock? One is wet
and slippery, and the other's a fish.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a bank robber? None.
Once they have done their jobs, they get away as quickly as they can,
leaving devastation behind them.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a soldier? The
soldier jumps to orders and the inspector jumps to conclusions.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a plastic surgeon?
Well, the plastic surgeon tucks features.....
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a pile of s***? Well,
the pile of s*** actually has some use.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a baby's nappy? None.
They both contain an inexhaustible supply of the same thing.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a skunk? Some people
like skunks.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a serial killer? The
serial killer works to a method.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a Jehovah's Witness?
You can get rid of a Jehovah's Witness without needing a shotgun.
What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a politician? No-one
has the faintest idea how OFSTED inspectors are chosen.
And finally, What's the difference between an OFSTED inspector and a
Rottweiler? Pick your choice from; You can have a Rottweiler put down, a
Rottweiler has only one face, a Rottweiler doesn't smile just before it
attacks or a Rottweiler is a lot less aggressive.
*DEAD DUCK *
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her
pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and
said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles has passed away." The distressed
owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he
replied."How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or
something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and
returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the
duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted
the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The
cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head
to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly
and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm
sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead
duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in
shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is
dead!!
"The vet shrugged! I'm sorry but if you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan its now
$150.00.
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