Paddy jokes

[Kaip]

Paddy wins a load of money on the pools. He asks his mate Murphy if he fancies going on the piss in London with him.

Well they arrive in London at this huge hotel. They're put up on the 10th floor. Off they trot on the piss and get back to the hotel about 2 o'clock in the morning. Paddy decides he wants to go for a swim.

Murphy is a bit miffed and asks "where the bloody hell can you go swimming at this time"

Paddy says " We can go in the Thames in our skiddies"

Paddy then looks out onto his balcony and sees it's been raining; looking down at the shimmering road he shouts to Murphy "Oi -- the Thames is down here -- look!!!"

At that Murphy rips his clothes off revealing his Y-fronts sprints onto the balcony and dives off. SPLAT!! Straight into the road below.

After about five minutes he manages to pick himself up and shouts up to Paddy who's about to dive off the balcony. "Move over to the left a bit, this is the shallow end 'ere!!!"

[Kaip]

Finnegan, drunk as usual, staggers into Church, enters the confessional box, sits down but says nothing.

The good irish father coughs a few times to get his attention, but Finnegan just sits there. Finally, the irish priest pounds three times on the wall.

Finnegan yells, "Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either."

[Kaip]

Aer Ireland Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night, with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus to co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport they looked out the cockpit window.

"B'jeesus", said Paddy, "will ye look at how ****in short dat runway is."

"You're not ****in Kiddin, Paddy", replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a' the trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy.

You're not ****in Kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus

"roight, Shamus, when I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" Said Paddy.

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus

"And den ye put the flaps down straight away" said Paddy

"Roight, Oi'll be doing dat" Replied Shamus

"and den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can," said Paddy

"Roight Oi'll be doing dat", replied Shamus.

"And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with a'your soul" said Paddy

"Oi'll be doing dat already", replied Shamus

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to the Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt just centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board.

As they sat in the Cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "dat has gotta be de shortest ****in runway I have EVER seen in me whole Life."

Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah, Paddy, but look how ****in wide it is."

[Kaip]

Two Irish lads, Paddy and Mick have been to the pub, they are staggering home and have no money for a taxi.

The past the bus depot and Paddy comes up with a plan, he says to Mick "jump over the wall and go and steal and bus and we can drive it home"

Mick duly breaks into the bus depot and is gone for ages, Paddy is pacing around outside getting really anxious and he calls into Mick "what are you doing?"

Mick shouts back "I can't find a number seven bus, I can only find a number five which doesn't go up our street"

Paddy shouts back "s'okay steal the number five and we can get off at the roundabout and walk the rest of the way home"

[Kaip]

Paddy and Michael were walking through a field and Paddy said "Can you see that forest over there?"

Michael replied "No, those trees are in the way."

[Kaip]

Paddy & Mick were strolling along one day, when they came across a deserted car. They both jumped in, and started checking if everything was in working order. Paddy beeped the horn, "yes that works ok" he says. Then he flicks on his indicator and calls to "Mick, stick you head outta the window and see if it's working"...to which he replied "it is...it isn't...it is...it isn't..."

[Kaip]

Paddy and Mick were working on a building site, Paddy says to Mick "I cant be bothered working all day I just want to go home" so he climbs to the top of the building site and hangs upside down on a steel girder so then the boss comes out and shout "what the hell do you think your doing" Paddy says "pretending to be a light bulb" so the boss says "go home your being stupid" so he climbs down and starts walking out - so Mick decides to follow and says "Im going home too" but just as he was putting his coat on to leave the boss shouts "and were do you think your going" Mick says home because Im not working in the dark"

[Nic83]

I object to this thread.


















Sheep shagger

[badpiggy]

****in classics! here's some more

a man walks up to another man. "why am i in prison?" he asks. "because you're black and all black people are criminals!"

a man goes into a shop. "just this loaf of bread thanks" he says to the shopkeeper. "that'll be 10 pounds" says the shopkeeper. "wow that's expensive says the man. "yes but i'm jewish " says the shopkeeper oozing drool from his hooked nose as he grabbed the money from the foolish customer.

a man walks up to a woman. "how much for a shag?" he enquires. "i'm sorry but i think you've made a mistake" said the silly airhead who should have been cleaning a blowjob while giving birth in a nurses uniform. "no i haven't - you are a woman ergo you are a prostitute".

a welsh family are just finishing a sumptious dinner of boiled leeks and coal. the mother leads a number of sheep into the kitchen. "come on boyos - lets get ****in these beauties" sang the father in a deep baritone.

[Kaip]

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman were at the fair and about to go on the helter-skelter when an old crone steps in front of them.

"This is a magic ride," she says. "You will land in whatever you shout out on the way down."

"I'm game for this," says the Welshman and slides down the helter-skelter shouting "GOLD!" at the top of his voice. Sure enough, when he hit the bottom he found himself surrounded by thousands of pounds worth of gold coins.

The Englishman goes next and shouts "SILVER!" at the top of his voice. At the bottom he lands in more silver coinage than he can carry.

The Irishman goes last and, launching himself from the top of the slide shouts "WEEEEEEE!"

[Kaip]

One day an Welshman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Welshman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU *******!!!!"

[Kaip]

Paddy and Seamus landed themselves a job at the local sawmill. Just before morning tea Paddy yelped, "Seamus, I've lost me bleedin finger!!!"
"Have you now?" says Seamus, "And how did you do it?"
"Well, I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...God damn it, there goes another one!!!"

[Kaip]

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of Course," replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '65."
"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '65, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

[Kaip]

****in classics! here's some more

a man walks up to another man. "why am i in prison?" he asks. "because you're black and all black people are criminals!"

a man goes into a shop. "just this loaf of bread thanks" he says to the shopkeeper. "that'll be 10 pounds" says the shopkeeper. "wow that's expensive says the man. "yes but i'm jewish " says the shopkeeper oozing drool from his hooked nose as he grabbed the money from the foolish customer.

a man walks up to a woman. "how much for a shag?" he enquires. "i'm sorry but i think you've made a mistake" said the silly airhead who should have been cleaning a blowjob while giving birth in a nurses uniform. "no i haven't - you are a woman ergo you are a prostitute".

a welsh family are just finishing a sumptious dinner of boiled leeks and coal. the mother leads a number of sheep into the kitchen. "come on boyos - lets get ****in these beauties" sang the father in a deep baritone.

They ain't very funny fella

[paulcooper4]

****in classics! here's some more

a man walks up to another man. "why am i in prison?" he asks. "because you're black and all black people are criminals!"

a man goes into a shop. "just this loaf of bread thanks" he says to the shopkeeper. "that'll be 10 pounds" says the shopkeeper. "wow that's expensive says the man. "yes but i'm jewish " says the shopkeeper oozing drool from his hooked nose as he grabbed the money from the foolish customer.

a man walks up to a woman. "how much for a shag?" he enquires. "i'm sorry but i think you've made a mistake" said the silly airhead who should have been cleaning a blowjob while giving birth in a nurses uniform. "no i haven't - you are a woman ergo you are a prostitute".

a welsh family are just finishing a sumptious dinner of boiled leeks and coal. the mother leads a number of sheep into the kitchen. "come on boyos - lets get ****in these beauties" sang the father in a deep baritone.