Shamelessly nicked from a Facebook group...

[Dhav]

...in appreciation of my school history teacher.

Brilliant. Anyone else had a teacher like this, who was so knowledgable and inspirational, yet could frighten the life out of you?

50 Facts about Mr. Kearney


1- Some people can piss their name into snow, Mr Kearney can piss his into concrete

2- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs, Mr Kearney can kill 100 percent of whatever the **** he wants

3- Mr Kearney can speak braille

4- Mr Kearney has counted to infinity - twice

5- Mr Kearney owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time, It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno

6- Mr Kearney puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"

7- Mr Kearney can do a wheelie on a unicycle

8- Mr Kearney does not sleep, He waits

9- Mr Kearney does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure, Mr Kearney goes killing

10- Once a cobra bit Mr Kearney's leg, After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died

11- Mr Kearney can slam revolving doors

12- Mr Kearney sleeps with a night light, Not because Mr Kearney is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Mr Kearney

13- Mr Kearney never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction

14- Mr Kearney can kill two stones with one bird

15- Mr Kearney plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins

16- Mr Kearney is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face

17- Mr Kearney can delete the Recycling Bin

18- Mr Kearney likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies"

19- When Mr Kearney enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off

20- Mr Kearney once punched a man in the soul

21- Mr Kearney doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now"

22- Mr Kearney once had a heart attack; his heart lost

23- If you can see Mr Kearney, he can see you, If you can't see Mr Kearney you may be only seconds away from death

24- Mr Kearney can drown a fish

25- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel, Mr Kearney can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box

26- Mr Kearney does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die

27- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people, It is in fact a warning, that this spot belongs to Mr Kearney and what he'll do to you if he catches you there

28- Mr Kearney can tie his shoes with his feet

29- Mr Kearney killed his own first name

30- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Mr Kearney's fist

31- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Mr Kearney can touch this

32- Mr Kearney doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean, He just walks in and the water gets the **** out of the way

33- When God said, "Let there be light", Mr Kearney said, "say please"

34- Mr Kearney defeated IBM's Deep Blue computer chess program using only one pawn and the thimble from Monopoly, He also collected $200 for passing "Go" in the process

35- When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond, When Mr Kearney squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines

36- Mr Kearney was once charged with three attempted murders, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Mr Kearney does not "attempt" murder

37- Mr Kearney was the first to catch a deer using only his headlights

38- Someone once tried to tell Mr Kearney that he "Wasn't that hard", This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made

39- Bullets dodge Mr Kearney

40- Curiosity may have killed the cat, but Mr Kearney killed everything else

41- The chief export of Mr Kearney is pain

42- The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Mr Kearney, This amuses Mr Kearney because he is bulletproof

43- The last digit of pi is Mr Kearney He is the end of all things

44- The only time Mr Kearney was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake

45- Mr Kearney used to beat the **** out of his shadow because it was following to close It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him

46- When Mr Kearney does push-ups, he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the earth down

47-There is no theory of evolution Just a list of creatures Mr Kearney has allowed to live

48- Mr Kearney can perform a roundhouse kick with both legs, at the same time.

49- Mr Kearney CAN stop Rock And Roll

50- You may have noticed that there is not a single full stop on this page, not even after Mr Kearneys name, this is because there is no stopping Mr Kearney

http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2250689289



Top Man Mr K.

[sambirken]

is that not about that texas ranger guy, with his name replaced with mr kearney?

[Dhav]

is that not about that texas ranger guy, with his name replaced with mr kearney?

I've just done a bit Googling and you're right.

All that stuff above was originally in respect of Chuck Norris and this guy on Facebook has just substituted Mr K's name for his, except the Chuck Norris ones are funnier.

I honestly believed this guy made them up

Anyway, here's some more:

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father did.

When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars look both ways.

Chuck Norris is currently sueing NBC, Law and Order are the trademark names of his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris isn't hung like a horse, horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.

[Red_Polo]

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

[badpiggy]

chuck norris only masturbates to pictures of chuck norris

[Lee]

When Chuck Norris does press-ups, he's actually pushing the world down...!

[Dhav]

chuck norris only masturbates to pictures of chuck norris

When Chuck Norris does press-ups, he's actually pushing the world down...!

I think you mean Mr Kearney fella

46- When Mr Kearney does push-ups, he is not pushing himself up, he is pushing the earth down

[Dan]

chuck norris only masturbates to pictures of chuck norris

I think you mean Subby only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

[narmour]

Hahhaa, i've read ones like that about Jack Bauer, they are sweet

[Dhav]

Hahhaa, i've read ones like that about Jack Bauer, they are sweet

Yep, here's some:-


Rank Fact # of Votes Rating

1 Jack Bauer broke into the Russian Consulate and got captured because he thought it would be fun to compare Russian prisons with Chinese prisons. 50 7.8
2 There are two hands that can beat a royal flush. Jack Bauer's right hand and Jack Bauer's left hand. 94 7.65
3 Most people would need months to recover from 20 months of Chinese interrogation. Jack Bauer needs a shower, a shave and a change of clothes. 117 7.49
4 If Jack Bauer had been a Spartan the movie would have been called "1". 58 7.43
5 Professor Charles Xavier from X-Men once tried to read Jack Bauer's mind. Now he's sitting in a wheel chair. 68 7.34
6 The city of Los Angeles once named a street after Jack Bauer in gratitude for his saving the city several times. They had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Jack Bauer and lives. 708 7.33
7 When a convicted terrorist was sentenced to face Jack Bauer, he appealed to have the sentence reduced to death. 266 7.32
8 Some people see the glass as half full. Others see it as half empty. Jack Bauer see the glass as a deadly weapon. 172 7.3
9 When bad things happen to good people, its probably fate. When bad things happen to bad people, it’s probably Jack Bauer. 200 7.16
10 Jack Bauer never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction. 214 7.14
11 There are three leading causes of death among terrorists. The first two are Jack Bauer, and the third one is heart attack from hearing Jack Bauer is coming for them. 152 7.13
12 Withholding information from Jack Bauer is now classified as a suicide attempt. 166 7.08
13 On Jack Bauer's Tax Returns, he has to claim the entire world as his dependents. 120 7.06
14 Once, someone tried to tell Jack Bauer a "knock knock" joke. Jack Bauer found out who was there, who they worked for, and where the goddamned bomb was. 510 7.05
15 Jack Bauer definitely loves his daughter; he wouldn't let anyone else who made that many stupid decisions live. 161 7.03
16 Passed out, surrounded by terrorists and nerve gas, and handcuffed to a table leg, Jack Bauer laughed to himself and said, "I have them right where I want them." 540 6.97
17 Jack Bauer doesn't laugh in the face of danger; Jack Bauer is the face of danger. 93 6.97
18 If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice. 3978 6.96
19 If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12". 1368 6.95
20 Jack Bauer signs his autograph with bullets. So don't ask him to sign any part of your body. 74 6.93
21 There's one only shift when Jack Bauer works for CTU: the graveyard shift. 84 6.92
22 If Jack Bauer was president, he would protect the secret service. 90 6.9
23 Jack Bauer is the only human in the world with the ability to make Chloe O'Brien drop the personality disorder and patch him through. 321 6.88
24 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. 137 6.86
25 Jack once shot himeself 10 times, just to prove 50 cent is a bitch. He proceeded to wrestle and aligator while talking to Chloe about schematics. 255 6.86
26 Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Jack Bauer. 2071 6.83
27 Jack Bauer does not get taken prisoner. He puts himself in a disadvantageous position so as to make his next several killings more dramatic. 261 6.82
28 The 2007 budget for the US Military covers Jack Bauer, two pistols and four billion rounds of ammunition. 269 6.81
29 Jack Bauer quit for just five minutes, and a nuclear bomb went off. 110 6.81
30 Jack Bauer doesn't need to eat, sleep, or use the bathroom because his organs are afraid of making him angry. 345 6.81
31 When Jack Bauer ran out of ammo, he caught 3 bullets in his chest and used them to reload. 239 6.81
32 Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys. 3863 6.8
33 Chained to a chair, tortured, and with the threat of death hanging over him, Jack just wanted something to eat. 104 6.8
34 The only reason Jack gave Nina mouth to mouth in Season 2 was because he had to kill her himself. 162 6.8
35 Jack Bauer can torture you into giving up information you do not possess. 54 6.8
36 There have been no terrorist attacks in United States since Jack Bauer has appeared on television. 854 6.78
37 Jack Bauer always tests positive for steroids. Not that he uses steroids. It's because steroids are made from Jack Bauer. 82 6.78
38 When Jack Bauer says, "I don't know if I can do this anymore", the statement must be loosely translated as, "I can still rip off your head, I just don't know if I feel like I can **** down your neck at this time." 93 6.77
39 Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man. 3599 6.77
40 Jack Bauer was nominated for an Emmy for playing Kiefer Sutherland. 64 6.73
41 Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone. 799 6.73
42 If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it's ****ing beef. 1738 6.72
43 Jack Bauer thinks the word mercy just means "quick interrogation." 156 6.72
44 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight. 3634 6.72
45 Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas. 3119 6.71
46 When Santa Claus asked Jack Bauer what he wanted for Christmas, he snapped his neck. No one interrogates Jack Bauer and gets away with it. 129 6.71
47 Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun. 877 6.7
48 The state of California plans to reduce violent crime by changing the method of capital punishment from lethal injection to Jack Bauer. 526 6.7
49 When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back. 1706 6.7
50 Jack Bauer doesn't have a firewall on his PC. He has a Bauerwall. It's basically just a JPEG of Jack Bauer. No virus has ever attacked Jack Bauer's PC. Ever. 285 6.69
51 If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life. 3609 6.69
52 Bauer is not word, it is a sentence...A death sentence. 102 6.69
53 ...and on the seventh day Jack Bauer said, "I'll take it from here." 189 6.68
54 Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. Jack Bauer would meanwhile do something important. 141 6.68
55 When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer ****ing hates lemonade. 3835 6.68
56 My husband doesn't wish he was Jack Bauer. He wishes I was Jack Bauer. 291 6.65
57 After Season 6 of 24, the Chinese will be on the Endangered Species List. 195 6.65
58 If Jack Bauer's gun jams, it's because he wanted to beat you with it. 422 6.64
59 Jack Bauer let himself be drugged, beaten and captured inside a crate on a Chinese ship heading out of the USA with no way for help to find him. Now he has them right where we wants them. 299 6.63
60 Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you. 3209 6.62
61 Jack Bauer doesn't have a refresh button on his web browser. All events take place in real time. 146 6.62
62 It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk. Oh you are so screwed. 1087 6.62
63 Only Jack Bauer can fly a plane from the luggage compartment. 356 6.62
64 Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. 2940 6.61
65 Life doesn't give Jack Bauer lemons. Life asks him which fruit he wants. 241 6.61
66 Jack Bauer has the heart of a terrorist. He keeps it in a jar on his desk. 215 6.6
67 The Supreme Court ruled unanimously that Jack Bauer's methods were "cruel and unusual punishment". The next day the Supreme Court had nine vacancies. 106 6.59
68 A standard deck now contains 48 cards. Too many people were getting hurt for trying to play Jack. 451 6.59
69 The only reason the Chinese kept Jack alive is so that he could bring down the population. 291 6.55
70 Jack doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Bauer's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours." 834 6.54
71 Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. 2555 6.53
72 RIP Edgar If you see this give it a 10. Just cuz it's what Edgar would have wanted. 1024 6.53
73 Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first. 982 6.53
74 If Jack Bauer gives you his word, return it immediately and run. 289 6.53
75 Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men. 2796 6.52
76 James Bond has a license to kill. Jack Bauer was his instructor. 83 6.52
77 Jack Bauer doesn't need a receipt to return something to a store, just a gun. 138 6.51
78 In order to control illegal immigration in the United States, the president installed cardboard cutouts of Jack Bauer along the US/Mexico border. 696 6.51
79 Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer. 3785 6.51
80 When 24 airs on the Spanish channel everyones lines are translated except for Jack's. The reason for this, nobody speaks for Jack Bauer. 217 6.51
81 Jack Bauer arrested RoboCop. Think about that. 162 6.51
82 The Berlin Wall fell because Jack Bauer needed to get to the other side. 174 6.51
83 MTV once tried to 'Punk' Kiefer Sutherland by staging a robery in a store. Sutherland smiled and pulled out his SIG and shot 3 actors in the head. This is why there was a new cast on Punk'd after season one. 213 6.5
84 Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness. 1627 6.5
85 When Jack Bauer was little, he used to tie his brother up to a chair, put a bag on his head, and ask him, "How many cookies did you steal from MY cookie jar!?" 83 6.49
86 Torturing terrorists is like riding a bike. Jack Bauer never forgets. 81 6.49
87 Jack Bauer doesn't take fingerprints, he takes fingers. 471 6.48
88 When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..." 791 6.48
89 "You don't know Jack" is a blessing among terrorists. 193 6.48
90 Jack Bauer can pronounce the name "Ahmed" however he ****ing wants. 81 6.48
91 On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. 1110 6.48
92 When Jack Bauer goes to the airport and the metal detector doesn't go off, security gives him a gun. 1493 6.47
93 There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths. 1674 6.47
94 Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. 3352 6.46
95 In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the **** have you done with your life? 2936 6.45
96 Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes. 946 6.45
97 When Christopher Henderson tried to shoot Jack, his gun was, in fact, loaded. The bullets were just too scared to come out. 264 6.45
98 Jack Bauer doesn't miss. If he didn't hit you it's because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away. 3634 6.44
99 Jack Bauer has never caught a cold. How do we know? Colds still exist. 408 6.44
100 Don't ever ask Jack Bauer what is going on. He'll explain in the car. 807 6.4