Monday June 5
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I
looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the
bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for
three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I
Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I
save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go
Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We
can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes
ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows
(too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't
mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I
have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not
rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position
on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments
before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world
ever begins in August. I can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an
hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone
knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell
Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in
Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty
little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I
protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I
cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she
reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech
tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote
something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much
fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and
do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my
jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic
as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every
manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will
have a lot of calls from people offering
Gary Neville's England team arrived in Baden-Baden-Baden today and I
looked very, very handsome in my suit (mum said) and definitely had the
bestest moustache. I brought my guitar which I have been learning for
three weeks and I can play all of Elton John's best songs, including 'I
Guess That's Why They Call Us The Reds' and 'The Bitch Is Back', which I
save for David's 'wife'. I asked David if he would sing 'Don't Go
Breaking My Heart' with me, but we argued about who would be Elton. We
can't both be Kiki.
I am ringing Sir every hour with updates on Wayne. Thirty-seven minutes
ago he ate four bratwursts.
Tuesday June 6
I have made an official complaint to the hotel manager about the pillows
(too square). And the soap (not square enough). And the Bible (doesn't
mention Sir). And the hand rail next to the bath (just don't like it). I
have told Sven that I will go on strike if these things are not
rectified and everyone knows right-back is the most important position
on the whole pitch. Even in these silly summer warm-up tournaments
before the serious business with the best club in the whole wide world
ever begins in August. I can't wait.
Passed Frank Lamppost (hah) in the corridor - he'd been stood there an
hour trying to get his key in the door.
Friday June 9
Rung Sir and told him Wayne has been kissing Coleen. Eurgh. Everyone
knows girls smell. And he wasn't even wearing red! Sir said I must tell
Wayne to get his priorities right, and I did. The banter is brlliant in
Baden-Baden-Baden because Wayne told me to go "f*** yourself you snotty
little c***". He's my favourite Scouser.
Mum says she won't fly out and bring my favourite pillow (boo). I
protested the decision - but it doesn't work so well on the phone. I
cried tonight because I miss her bedtime stories, especially when she
reads Managing My Life and does Sir's voice.
I've asked David if he wants Gary Neville to do a rousing speech
tomorrow. I brushed my moustache (a big job) in preparation and wrote
something - 'I remember when rock was young - me and Susie had so much
fun...' - but he said no. I like his hair now though.
Played pool with Frank. 7-0, 7-0, 7-0, 7-0 - I went to kiss my badge and
do a sex action but I didn't have a badge because I wasn't wearing my
jim-jams.
Saturday June 10
Gary Neville's England won and David was fantastic. But not as fantastic
as me. I'm definitely the best right-back at this whole World Cup. Every
manager must look at me and wish I was in their team. I expect Sir will
have a lot of calls from people offering
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