I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up
to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to
make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said
"Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself
in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was
a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought
"That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A baby seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "Aah'm lookin' for the man who shot mah paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit
a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't
have your kayak and heat it.
So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then",
I said "Nearest to bull starts".
He said "Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".
You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow.
I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".
So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to
make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in it", he said
"Those are pickled onions".
I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".
So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris".
He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?"
He said "How flexible are you?"
I said, "I can't make Tuesdays"
But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself
in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.
So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me
with a red rose and says "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds".
I said waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a
competition and I won a years supply of Marmite......... one jar.
So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?".
I thought "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.
So I rang up British Telecom,I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", He said "Not you again".
So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was
a check tablecloth.
It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".
Now did you know all male tennis players are witches, for example Goran, even he's a witch.
And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.
So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode.
I said "Are you two an item?".
So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought
"That's a turtle disaster".
Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"
A Dyslexic man walks into a bra
A baby seal walks into a club...
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:
"Pint please, and one for the road."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Wild West.
He slides up to the bar and announces: "Aah'm lookin' for the man who shot mah paw."
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby
discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.
He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
couple of good ones
Comment