Naughty jokes

[cobain]

After a successful night out in a club he was recently barred from, Marky makes a move on this bird. This bird then asks Marky to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner, she would like to have sex with him for the first time. Marky is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps Marky for about an hour.

He tells Marky everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks Marky how many condoms he'd like to buy a 3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. Marky insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, Marky shows up at the birds' parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet me parents, come on in!". Marky goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. Marky quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and Marky is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from Marky. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to Marky: "I had no idea you were this religious." Marky turns, and whispers back: "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!"



No offence Marky, I have nothing against you! It's just a joke

[cobain]

One day a young man went to a pharmacy and asked the little old lady behind the counter if he could speak with the pharmacist. "I am the pharmacist," she informed him.

"Oh, in that case forget it," he replied and started to leave.

"Young man," the lady said to him, "my sister and I have been pharmacists for forty years and there is nothing we haven't heard, so what is your problem?"

"Well," the young man said reluctantly, "I have a problem with erections. Once I get hard, it won't go down for hours and hours, no matter how much I have intercourse! Please, can you give me something for it?

"I'll have to go in the back and talk to my sister." she informed him. About ten minutes later she came back. "Young man, I have consulted with my sister and the best we can give you is $1000 a week and a third interest in the pharmacy."

[cobain]

A Priest had been in confessions all day without a break. He really had to take a dump, and his blatter was about to burst because he hadn't been able to relieve himself all day. People kept coming to confess and the line was backed up already and he hated to leave. But he peeked out of his cubicle and signaled the janitor to come over. He asked the janitor to cover for him and gave him the confessions book then sped off in the direction of the bathroom.

The janitor was a little bewildered but he went into the cubicle and sat down. A woman came knelt in front of his window and said, "Father I have sinned. I cheated on my husband."

The janitor scanned in the book until he found "adultery". He told the woman to pray 50 "Hail Mary's" and wash in holy water.

Next came a man who told the janitor, "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. I had oral sex with another man."

The janitor looked and looked but he couldn't find a penance listed for oral sex. He leans out of the cubicle and whispered to an altar boy: "Hey, boy, what does the priest give for oral sex?"

With a smile, the boy replied, "Five dollars and a candy bar!"

[cobain]

A little boy goes to his dad and asks: "What is politics?"

Dad says: "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father: "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now." The father says: "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies: "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

So true yet

[cobain]

K Diddy decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk: "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 25," was the reply.
"I'm actually 35," K Diddy says, feeling really happy.

After that, he goes into McDonald's for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is: "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."

Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going to hell. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."

As there was no one around, K Diddy thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later, the old lady says: "Okay, it's done. You are 35."
Stunned, the man says: "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies: "I was behind you at McDonald's."