Top Tips

[RoadEnd]

Buy a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by standing outside their window and changing their channel using your identical remote control.

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y,

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

[Dessy]

[PTP]

these two were the best

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.

[The Red Cardinal]

Some more:

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you`re a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all, as to your allegiance.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

SAVE on charity donations by spending a pound on clothes at a charity shop, then selling them for 50p to another charity shop. This way you can give twice as much, at half the cost. I think.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the ****ing thing in the first place, you fat *******s.

Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

PEOPLE whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty 'Toblerone' chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.

[Assassin]

If you are choking on an ice cube stuck in your throat, simply boil a kettle of water on pour in it you mouth to dissolve it.