Earlier this year the Lord came down unto Bill, a retired chippy who was living in England and said “Do you remember Noah and the Ark? Well once again the Earth ahs become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing, along with a few good humans.
He gave Bill the CAD drawings, saying “you have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and nights”.
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Bill weepng in his yard, but no Ark. “Bill”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain, where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me Lord, but things have changed” cried Bill.
I needed Building Regulations Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained Planning Permission for building the Ark in my garden, even though we know it is only a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision, which is still pending.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions along the route to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I told them that none of this was necessary as the sea would be coming to us, but they would have none of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a Tree Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest, set up in order to protect the Spotted Owl. I tired to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wear deaf to my pleas.
When I started to gather the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will, that the accommodation was to restrictive and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority rules that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted and environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I tried to tell them that all their areas of control were due to be washed away – but they would hear nothing of it.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how may BME’s I’m supposed to hire for my building team.
The Trades Unions say I can’t use mmy sons as Noah did. They insist I can only hire people with CSCS accreditation who have a minimum of 3 years experience in Ark building.
They also told me that if I employ more than 5 tradesmen I would have to conform to the HSE regulations and as the Ark would be over 2 meters high, the Work at Height Regs would also apply, all personnel would require PPE for wood working and all Risk Assessments and Method Statements should be in place prior to work commencing. I would also have to display a copy of my current Employers and Public Liability insurance on the notice board in the office.
To make matters worse, Customs & Excise then seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species and people that have not properly through passport control. So. forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Bill looked up in wonder and asked “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?”
“No” said the Lord. “The British government has beaten me to it.”
He gave Bill the CAD drawings, saying “you have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and nights”.
Six months later the Lord looked down and saw Bill weepng in his yard, but no Ark. “Bill”, he roared, “I’m about to start the rain, where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me Lord, but things have changed” cried Bill.
I needed Building Regulations Approval and I’ve been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained Planning Permission for building the Ark in my garden, even though we know it is only a temporary structure. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision, which is still pending.
Then the Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions along the route to clear the passage for the Arks move to the sea. I told them that none of this was necessary as the sea would be coming to us, but they would have none of it.
Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have a Tree Preservation Order on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest, set up in order to protect the Spotted Owl. I tired to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wear deaf to my pleas.
When I started to gather the animals, the RSPCA prosecuted me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will, that the accommodation was to restrictive and that it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the County Council, the Environment Agency and the Rivers Authority rules that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted and environmental impact study on your proposed flood. I tried to tell them that all their areas of control were due to be washed away – but they would hear nothing of it.
I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how may BME’s I’m supposed to hire for my building team.
The Trades Unions say I can’t use mmy sons as Noah did. They insist I can only hire people with CSCS accreditation who have a minimum of 3 years experience in Ark building.
They also told me that if I employ more than 5 tradesmen I would have to conform to the HSE regulations and as the Ark would be over 2 meters high, the Work at Height Regs would also apply, all personnel would require PPE for wood working and all Risk Assessments and Method Statements should be in place prior to work commencing. I would also have to display a copy of my current Employers and Public Liability insurance on the notice board in the office.
To make matters worse, Customs & Excise then seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species and people that have not properly through passport control. So. forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Bill looked up in wonder and asked “You mean you are not going to destroy the world?”
“No” said the Lord. “The British government has beaten me to it.”