Yes, I know it's a Manure forum - but this thread is funny.
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Yes, I know it's a Manure forum - but this thread is funny.
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Any reason you were on there???Originally posted by RoadEnd View Post
Those that hid Anne Frank were breaking the law.
Those that killed her, were following the law. -
Petrol is way too ****ing expensive these days. I actually can't afford to drive. Last time I went dogging, I had to ask my mum to give me a lift.
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I hear that the credit crunch is even affecting fairgrounds. My friend's a dodgems operator and he lost his job this morning. He's suing for funfair dismissal.
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Talked to my bank manager the other day and he said he was going to concentrate on the big issues from now on. He sold me one outside KFC yesterday.
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Who cares about the credit crunch and stock market crash.
I have just done something that will shortly net me a big house and millions of pounds.
I have just married Wendy Richard.
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A lot of people moan about speed cameras, but I'm all for them.
The other week I was flashed and got three points and a £60 fine.
Had I been stopped by a policeman, however, he would surely have noticed the three bald tyres, the out of date tax disc and my not wearing a seatbelt at the time.
No doubt a massive saving in these financially worrying times.
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Due to the credit crunch, me and the family are not going to go to the Costa Del Sol this year. Instead we are going to recreate it at home. I am well ahead with my arrangements.
We will start the pretend holiday by us all going out in my car with the air con off and sit in the sun for five hours to recreate the holiday jams we customarily start with.
I have filled the paddling pool with sand for us all to sit in, along with a few used condoms and half filled cans of lager. The space is a bit bigger than what we are used to but we will have to make do.
I am going to insist that, in my local shop, unless I speak Spanish fluently he will charge me twice as much as normal.
The wife is to be allowed to spend on a wardrobe to replace the clothes she has not worn since last year (but now "do not fit"), which I will take away from her as pretend lost-luggage and only give back at the end of the first week.
I have arranged for a few of my neighbours to stare and follow my 14 year old daughter when she ventures out on her own.
Finally, the wife has promised, halfway through, to pick a fight over some pointless matter we will not remember the subject of two weeks later so the whole family can sit in broody silence for the remainder of the holiday.
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How to survive the crunch? Become a Hippie...
Millions of people are worrying about how they are going to survive the credit crunch. The answer is simple: become a hippy.
1. Smoke Pot - unlike alcohol there is no VAT on illegal drugs so you save money straight away. As cannabis is far safer than alcohol you also save on the cost of liver transplants in the future, so smoking pot is a sound investment for your old age. You could also consider becoming a weed dealer and/or grower which will help rebuild your nation's shattered economy.
2. Don't cut your hair, cut your costs - having long hair saves money and is warmer in winter. People with long hair save fuel costs, cut national dependence on foreign fuel, and cut CO2 emissions which could save humanity from extinction.
3. Don't shave - razor blades, shaving cream and other fetish body hair removers such as leg waxing kits etc are all products of the decadent 'throw away' consumer society which is destroying the rain forest and your credit rating. Nature gave us hair for a reason. Don't help Boots survive the credit crunch, help yourself and become a hairy hippie.
4. Squat now while stocks last - if you have a mortgage you can't pay don't worry about foreclosure. In fact the more foreclosures the better as this increases the housing stock available for squatting - now you can live mortgage free and rent free!
5. Become a pseudo 'veggie' or 'virtual vegan' - don't worry, most veggies cheat so you can eat fish and meat when ever you want, but eating veggie can dramatically cut your food costs. For example Tescos are doing a can of red kidney beans for 18pence, while a pack of King Prawns costs at least £3.00. One meat meal requires 10 meals worth of grain to produce. Meat production creates 18% of world Co2 emissions while air travel contributes just 3%. This means 'veggie' hippies can still fly Ryan Air and save the planet! It is Plain Obvious.
6. Dress down (and out) - even if you have a family trust fund, looking poor is the safest option in these dangerous knife crime times, plus it will save you a fortune. Even Madonna shops at Oxfam, thats why she is so rich. If you are really broke raid the clothing recycling bins; don't feel guilty - just remember that we are all Africans now. Alternatively you could become a nudist and cut your clothing bill completely.
7. Start or join a commune - council tax is chargeable per household so if you have twenty people in your commune the cost saving per person or couple is dramatic. With communal meals, shared sleeping areas and a washing up rota you can save even more and might only have to do the washing up once every two weeks!
8. Love is all you need - the new economy should not be based on shares but on sharing. For those with high sexual drives there is also the increased chance of attending more orgies, especially if you are bisexual.
9. Give Peace a chance - it is totally unrealistic of course, but supporting hippie pacifist defence policies could save billions for national economies. If the whole world went hippie the only defence we would need to think about would be against violent anti hippie skinheads, Tory counter revolutionaries, or a 'UFO' invasion from outer space.
10. Go to India - you might be able to get a job in a call centre.Comment
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I think it sums up the mancs...I got bored and left after a minute or two.
Bit like Reaper said earlier about my wife!"I am a constant source of entertainment to myself"
"of all the seasons...of ALL the bloody seasons...
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