Complaint Letter

[Angry Dan]

This is brilliant

http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/2009/01/apparently-sir-richard-branson-thevirgin-bossthought-this-was-the-funniestletter-of-complaint-hed-ever-received------dear.html

[Paul.S]

I shudder when I see aeroplane food sometimes

[Angry Dan]

Dear Mr Addison,

I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.

I will address them, as ever, in order. Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last as a "begging letter". It might perhaps more properly be referred to as a "tax demand". This is how we at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy, traditionally referred to such documents.

Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily through the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses and "pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies is at best a little ill-advised.

In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumpkin or, come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.

Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that the government in any way expects you to "stump up for the whole damned party" yourself. The estimates you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."

A couple of technical points arising from direct queries:

1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system;

2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance didn't render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.

I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose to "give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India", you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday.

Yours Sincerely,

HJ Lee
Customer Relations

[bobbyfallon]

thats funny

[Vermilion]

This is brilliant

http://timesnews.typepad.com/news/20...-----dear.html

Brilliant, some of the comments under it are quite good too, interesting to see the reaction, those who take cheaper flights say what is he moaning about, at least he gets food, but i bet had they paid for it they would expect better too, we are such a fickle race.

[Red_hot]

Well funny that letter!

[Shaggy]

****ing brilliant!

Shame about some of his spelling and grammar, but ****ing funny nonetheless

"I know it looks like a bhaji but it's in custard Richard, custard"

[Paul.S]

When we flew to Magaluf in August, we had to pay for the food on our Monarch flights, so I just had a bacon roll. OHMYGOD, it was ****ing lovely.
On the way back, I was half dead with a major sore throat (think gargling a brick) and had one on the way back, despite the searing pain...

[PTP]

When we flew to Magaluf in August, we had to pay for the food on our Monarch flights, so I just had a bacon roll. OHMYGOD, it was ****ing lovely.
On the way back, I was half dead with a major sore throat (think gargling a brick) and had one on the way back, despite the searing pain...

haha - fly to germany the toher week on FlyBe, and 'food' was extra - not much on offer like, as it's only a 2 hour flight

But they had these special, exclusive Home Made sandwiches of the day specially designed by celebrity chef James Martin as part of the 'Deli in the Sky' menu!!! at £4 a sarnie I was almost wetting my pants with excitment at the prospect of this lush sandwich - till the bloke behind me asked

"can I have whatever is todays exclusive celeb sarnie!!"

and the air hostess shouts across to the other one at the end of the plane

"sarah.....have we got any Ham butties left!"

haha - it was literally a ham salad sandwich like u get at asda for £1.50 - the guy's face, he looked gutted!.

So I settled for the chocolate muffin and cup of coffee £3 combo

[Darth Marty]

ha ha I far preferred the response from the tax man.

[Paul.S]

So I settled for the chocolate muffin and cup of coffee £3 combo

numnuts here paid with his €, only to be handed £ change! When I tried to ask the stewardess if I could pay in £ instead, because I wanted the € for the holiday instead, she looked proper miserable at me and said "its gone through the till now"..... bitch.

ha ha I far preferred the response from the tax man.

Indeed. I've seen better letters than the Virgin one.

[Shaggy]

This letter has just been featured on the Six O'Clock News!

[Paul.S]

Aye, guess its a slow news day!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/7859422.stm

[rudedog]

reminds me of the old 'complaint of the year' winner from a disgruntled NTL customer

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties -- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW? I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes -- an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through Friday and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman. And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was crap; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of *******s you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum, incompetents of the highest order. BT -- ******s though they are -- shine like brilliant beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.. May you rot in Hell.
John

[Icon]

reminds me of the old 'complaint of the year' winner from a disgruntled NTL customer

Poetry!!!