A few funnies

[Fan65]

Boy comes home and tells his parents he has just had sex for he first time, the proud Dad says 'I'll buy you a bike to celebrate, but you will have to wait until next pay day'

Boy says 'that's alright Dad, my arse is too sore to ride it anyway'

Bloke shagging his girlfriend says' Bend over we'll try the social security position' ' What the hell is that ?' she says ' When my balls touch your arse you're getting the full benefit'

Had my first Gig as a stand up comedian at an old people's home last night. They didn't get any of my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

What is the medical term for the fatty tissue surrounding the clitoris? .
The wife

Essex girl in bed with her boyfriend says, ' How dare you call me a slapper, get out of my bed right now and take your ****ing mates with you'

I was at Tesco this afternoon, when a lady dropped dead in front of me, I felt really sorry for her - she had just bought a Bag for Life.

I'm quite worried what the kids are up to lately. Today saw a small girl imitating the doggy position with her Barbie and Ken dolls, I said ' you will have baby dolls if you do that' she said 'It's OK he's doing it up her arse'

Teacher says to little Tommy 'Why weren't you at school yesterday?' Tommy says 'My grandfather got burnt' Teacher says 'Badly?' Little Tommy says ' Yes, they don't **** about at the crematorium . '

A friend of mine says he is shagging twins, I said ' How can you tell the difference?' he said ' Her brother has got a moustache ?

Hubby has ' I love you' tatooed on his penis, and goes home to show his wife, she says 'There you go again, trying to put words in my mouth'

A charity pantomime in aid of Paranoid Schizophrenics and Homosexuals descended into chaos yesterday when somebody shouted ' He's behind you !'

Bored on your way to work? On the bus, tube or train? Pretend you are on the phone, talk about your 4 week holiday in Mexico . Hang up and then sneeze.

[Tee]

Very good!

[5europeancups]

Very good!

you are being sarcastic right, either that or you are a german.

[Shaggy]

Normally I hate this sort of **** but a good few of these ring true

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

4. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

6. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?

7. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

8. There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

9. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

11. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

13. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text

14. Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say"

15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

16. Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

19. Everytime I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

21. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

22. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

23. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

24. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

25. Bad decisions make good stories.

26. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted.
546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!

27. Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every year?

28. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....

29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

30. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

31. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

32. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

35. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

36. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my itunes.

37. Why is a school zone 40kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...

38. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

39. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

40. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

41. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself.
There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@stard before dinner.

42. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

43. I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

45. Your room is like your nose. No matter how many times you try to clean it out, its always full of crap shortly after.

[PTP]

hhaha some great ones

1 More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me.

I am So bad for this

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

Never happens haha

3. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

All the time – though the worst for it is walking into the pub to meet your mates, realising you are first there, and don’t know what to do- every time i grb my phone, pretend to start ringing someone and casually walk out haha


5. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase "Regards" again.

This has happened to me recently but noticied before i clicked send

6. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know" feature on facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
Yes!

7. Do you remember when you were a kid; playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in the world did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or faq's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

Still do this with cd’s and dvds – haha



10. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.

Yeah i am pretty bad for that


12. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Always in one go, and usually 10 bags worth of shopping squeezed into 4 bags


15. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

Unfortunately true


17. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

My flat mate, who i have known for around 15 years speaks unbelievably quickly - most people don’t understand him so i have to translate but even i sometimes find myself say what 3 or 4 times before i give and just nod

18. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a d1ck from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

– i am a complete ****er for this! It happens at the same junction on my home every day!!! I never let any ****er in!


20. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

Roflmao ha

26. Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB-gun that I always wanted.
546 pictures? Don't mind if I do! Hahahahahhahaha - been there!

27. Is it just me or do high school girls get s1uttier & s1uttier every year? They do the slags!

29. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Couldn’t be truer



33. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this.It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

It happens every day with me and my two flat mates – none of us want the pressure despite the fact we have lived together for 2 years, have known each other 15 years, and all watch and like the same things ha

34. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

****ing annoying


40. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

Its how i avoid the nutters!


42. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...

I hate the feeling of being convinced i have lost my car keys, despite the fact i have only just got out the car and locked it.

43. I wonder if cops ever get p1ssed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

They do!
44. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.



45. Your room is like your nose. No matter how many times you try to clean it out, its always full of crap shortly after.

[Reaper]

21 reasons not to have kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious.
For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, TX. Things I've learned from my children:




A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2,000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 3-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20X20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh", it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it in the movies.
A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a four-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odour is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin has a 5 minute response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy. It will, however, make cats dizzy, and cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.