David Thorne

[Tee]

I just LOL'D in my office.

[Harv]

This dude lives in my old neighborhood

I know where he works (or worked) too

He's an absolute legend in Adelaide now

[Subby]

that was brilliant

[Subby]

http://www.27bslash6.com/hatemail.html

SLAYED me LMAO....

[badpiggy]

best thread ever

[tiktu]

My wife is looking me quite frightened, might be that during these six years she hasn't heard me laughing with loud noise.

[Leyton388]

This guy is ****ing quality!

The guy is a genius!!!!

[Gray]

This dude lives in my old neighborhood

I know where he works (or worked) too

He's an absolute legend in Adelaide now

You are a legend by association. Official

[Harv]

You are a legend by association. Official

He's my god mate. I genuinely would bow down to David Thorne. As you all know i like to wind people up, and this guy is the absolute master at it.

The birthday invites, the Blockbuster late fees, his kid getting into **** at school...its all pure gold of the highest quality.

[Carras_Shin_Pads]

These have slayed me, just what i needed!

[Gray]

Latest installment. Not as funny as previous ones but made me chuckle.


From: Thomas
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 3.12pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Speech

I have been asked to be part of the Speakers in Schools program this Friday and have to present a speech to the students at Bansia Park High School. It just has to be the opening speech and I will then go through the powerpoint presentation and show them examples of graphic design and branding we have done. I am very busy so can you write the opening speech? It just needs to be five minutes or so about the company and what we do.

TJ



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 3.26pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

How does this affect your court order imposed five hundred metre ban from schools?

Regards, David.



From: Thomas
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 4.02pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Speech

Just write the opening speech please and don't be a dickhead about it.

TJ



From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 27 January 2010 5.16pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

I have attached the first draft of your opening speech. It may require a few tweaks but basically introduces you to the students and provides a clear understanding of what working in the design industry entails. Let me know of any changes you require.

Regards, David.

Good morning students.

My name is Thomas and I have driven this extraordinary distance from the nice suburbs to speak to you today despite the fact I am not being paid to do so and it doesn't count as part of my community service. I had the secretary check.

It has been a long time since I was in a school environment and it brings back many memories. Some fond, some painful. For many years I was called cruel names because of the size of my head and rocks were thrown at me as I crossed the schoolyard, due to being an easy target. Thankfully, Mrs Carter was eventually transferred to teach english at a different school and the bullying stopped. It was obvious from the poor grade she gave me for my essay, about a space teacher who deals with racial issues when he transfers to a school on the planet Beta-5 titled 'To sir with the only emotional responses that can be generated by a species that has evolved in a methane atmosphere seventy times the pressure of Earth's', that her hostility masked a burning jealousy of my superior writing abilities and I explained this to her on several occassions.

A short time later, the replacement english teacher, Mr Amorelli, asked me to stay back after class to discuss my grades but instead made me stand on a desk, undress slowly and dance in a circular motion. At first I was afraid and ashamed but then the power of dance overcame me and I danced like I have never danced before. Like that welder in the movie Flashdance.

And that is what graphic design and branding is about; when the client asks you to fit eighteen pages of text onto a single sided A4 flyer and increase the type size to twelve point, simply find your special place and dance. It doesn't matter if there is no music; create the rhythm by clapping, humming or building a musical instrument using tightly drawn string and a cardboard box. A stick with bottle tops nailed to it does not count as a musical instrument. Nobody wants to hear that. I usually tap out No Sleep Till Brooklyn by the Beastie Boys with spoons but it comes down to personal preference and implement availability.

And here's a PowerPoint presentation...



From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 10.02am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

What the **** is this? I told you not to be a dickead about it. Just write something normal that explains design and branding to young students please. I don't know how old they are probably 13 or 14. I have to present on Friday morning.

TJ



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 10.38am
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

I appreciate how important this speech is to you. It is entirely possible that in ten or twenty years these young students may be running their own corporation that requires design services and think to themselves "Who was that man that came to our school and talked about his car, Discovery channel and his rooftop for four hours? The one with the large head. I should give him a call because I need a business card designed." I have, therefore, revised the speech accordingly to target this younger demographic. Let me know of any changes required.

Regards, David.

Hello boys and girls.

(Wave. With both hands so those at the back can see you.)
My name is Thomas and I drove here in a motor car. Once upon a time, there was an evil wizard who tried to cast a spell on a young boy. Luckily, the young boy was able to defeat the evil wizard by doing a magical spinning dance. Without the use of bottle tops nailed to a stick.
And that is what graphic design and branding is about; spinning really fast.
(Demonstrate.)

And here's a PowerPoint presentation...



From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 11.49am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

I have to present this tomorrow morning. What the **** is wrong with you? I will write it myself if you cant do as you are asked.

TJ


From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 12.26pm
To: Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

Alright, but going by the amount of client proposals that have been sent out in the last six months, it has been a while since you have actually written anything. Just remember, the big letters mean you have started writing and the dots mean you have finished. The dots with tails means you are talking, then pausing, then talking, and then pausing, again.

Regards, David.



From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 2.19pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

The reason no client proposals have gone out lately is due to the global financial crisis. My job is hard enough without you being a dickhead when I ask you to write one ****ing opening speech. For students! How hard can that be? I have to give the speech tomorrow morning and I expect you to email me something usable before then.

TJ



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 3.46pm
To:Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Dear Thomas,

Thank you for explaining that the several hours of your day spent playing online poker is a direct result of the weak US dollar. I apologise for the previous drafts which I agree, with hindsight, do not give a clear understanding of your important role. Please find attached the amended and final draft.

Regards, David.

Good morning students.

My name is Thomas and I have been asked to speak to you today about being a graphic designer and running a design and branding agency. I never intended to be a graphic designer. I have always wanted to work with cheese. When I was a young boy I would make my own and go door to door selling it in the small village where I was raised. One particularly warm summer, I made enough money to buy a bicycle and started my own home cheese delivery company, taking orders via two way radio. I painted a pair of my father's overalls bright yellow, cutting holes to symbolise swiss cheese, and rode throughout the village calling "Cheese. Cheese for sale." People would often point and say "There's that kid on the bicycle who makes his own cheese. Look at the size of his head." Eventually my business was shut down due to government officials not understanding the self fermentation benefits of guinea-pig milk, but not before I learned the benefits of company branding and had raised enough capital to start my own branding company.

Unfortunately, my design director, David Thorne, who has been responsible for the majority of high profile client branding projects for the company over the last eight years, just formally tendered his resignation, effective immediately. David citied the inability of the company owner to actively seek new clients, a salary that professional bag ladies would ridicule, third world working conditions and beating his own high score in an office game he devised called 'staring at the wall wondering what happy people are doing' as his main reasons. David thanked the staff and I for the opportunities that were provided to him during his time with the company and wished me all the best with my personal and professional endeavors. And with the speech.

And here's a PowerPoint presentation...



From: Thomas
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4.13pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.



From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 28 January 2010 4.26pm
To:Thomas
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Speech

Fine.

[Gray]

From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 26 February 2010 8.12pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Censorship

Dear Mike,
Thank you for your letter. At no time have I condoned the use of drugs. I simply stated that I wish to purchase and sell them at a profit. I do however understand the importance of censorship. Without an enforced system of guidance from agencies such as yours, people would be forced to exercise their own discretion.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.27am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Censorship

David, your obvious disrespect for authority doesn't change the fact that soliciting money for the purpose of purchasing and selling drugs is a criminal offence under South Australian law. I advise you to remove the article and I will check that you have done so by 5pm tomorrow.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 10.44am
To: Michael Harding
Subject:Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
Despite your assumption, I have the highest amount of respect for authority. I actually wanted to become a police officer but failed the IQ test when I arrived on time at the correct building.
While not exactly a police officer, when I was about eight I desperately wanted to be Tom Selleck from Magnum PI. I painted my Standish Selecta-12 bright red and constructed a moustache by clipping a large amount of hair from the neighbour's cat and gluing it to my upper lip. This is how I discovered my allergy to cat hair. Dragged to my neighbour's house, my apology through lips the size of bananas came out as "Imsryfrctnheroffyrcat iwntdtobemgnumpi." I also wanted to be frozen and thawed out in the 25th century due to Wilma Deering's jumpsuit but despite emptying the refrigerator and sitting in it for over an hour, the only result was mild hypothermia and a belting.
I have been considering sitting the police exam again as protecting the community from burglars, murderers and blogs must be very fulfilling. I am fairly fit due to regularly thinking about jogging and I once performed a jumping jack. It was unintentional and involved a spider on the bath mat but still counts. I am also experienced in self defence and recently built a moat. Sometimes, I dress as a French mime and pretend to walk against a strong wind to the delight of those around me. Everybody loves a mime. This skill would obviously come in quite useful during police stealth operations.
Due to restrictive Australian gun laws, I do not have much experience with weapons but I did construct my own bazooka when I was about ten using a length of pipe, a securely tightened end cap, a golf ball and a three to one ratio of chlorine & brake fluid. While the design was flawless, the resulting broken collar bone from the kickback and two inch hole through two plaster walls then a television set brought a swift end to my foray into ballistic research and development.
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 2.09pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

David, this isn't the first time we've received complaints regarding your website. You have until 5pm tomorrow to remove the article and I'll be checking your website regularly. You might not take this seriously but I can assure you that we do.
Yours sincerely, Michael Harding
From: David Thorne
Date: Saturday 27 February 2010 3.18pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Michael,
I do indeed take the matter seriously and will attempt to facilitate your request by 5pm tomorrow despite the fact that I am extremely busy this weekend. I need to bury the two dead backpackers I have in the spare room as the smell is starting to attract suspicion. And wolves. It is a fairly large job as one of the backpackers is American and will therefore require a hole several sizes larger than normal. On the plus side, the other is from England which obviously means no dental records.
I could hire one of those mini bobcat tractors for the day but will probably just let the children out for a game of 'best digger gets food this week'. I am sick of hearing "I want my parents" and "Please don't lock me in the spare room again, it smells funny" but many hands, no matter how small, make light work.
Also, I was watching Crime Stoppers last night and was wondering if you need anyone to play the perpetrators in crime re-enactments? I have several years acting experience convincing co-workers that I am listening and care about their relationship issues or what they did on the weekend while really thinking about robots or what would happen if a car made of diamond drove really fast into a wall made of diamond. I would prefer to play either a black professor or an Asian bus driver.

Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 10.26am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

I suggest you spend the time deleting the page as you have been requested to do rather than writing about dead backpackers. What is wrong with you?
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.02pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,

My apologies for not getting back to you earlier, I was busy torching my vehicle. Did you know that if you report it stolen the insurance company gives you money to buy a new one? I usually do this every eleven months as it saves having to pay for an annual service.
I do not have dead backpackers in the spare room. I was just being silly. There is no space in there due to the hydroponics system, pots and bags of nutrients. I read somewhere that it is ok to have up to three hundred and seventy marijuana plants for personal use. Correct me if I wrong. As I do not have a backyard and the plants take up most of the apartment, I sleep in a hammock stretched between two of the larger trunks. It is like sleeping in a jungle and sometimes I pretend I am a baby monkey. Due to the 24 hour UV lighting, my electricity bill this month is nearly four thousand dollars but I have an awesome tan.
In regards to the website, rather than deleting the article, I will amend it to be about cats. Is this acceptable to you?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 2.31pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

It isn't legal to grow even one plant which I'm sure you already know. Possession of less than 100g or one plant has been decriminalised but still carries a fine. Changing the page to be about cats is fine. I will be checking to see if it has been done by 5pm. I strongly suggest that you do so.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.17pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Dear Mike,
5pm eastern standard time or ours?
Regards, David.
From: Michael Harding
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.41pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Ours. I've had enough of your nonsense. If the page is not removed or changed within the next 20 minutes I will be filing an order under the e-crimes act of 2006 to have the website shut down.
From: David Thorne
Date: Sunday 28 February 2010 4.59pm
To: Michael Harding
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Censorship

Done.

[Gray]

http://www.27bslash6.com/guaranteed.html

[Harv]

He's a legend

[Carras_Shin_Pads]

Never fails to impress!