David Thorne

[Gray]

From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 10 March 2010 7.12pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I have received your permission slip featuring what I can only assume is a levitating rabbit about to drop an egg on Jesus.
Thank you for pre-ticking the permission box as this has saved me not only from having to make a choice, but also from having to make my own forty five degree downward stroke followed by a twenty percent longer forty five degree upward stroke. Without your guidance, I may have drawn a picture of a cactus wearing a hat by mistake.
As I trust my offspring's ability to separate fact from fantasy, I am happy for him to participate in your indoctrination process on the proviso that all references to 'Jesus' are replaced with the term 'Purportedly Magic Jew.'
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 9.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
The tick in the box already was a mistake I noticed after printing them all. I've seen the play and it's not indoctrinating anyone. It's a fun play performed by a great bunch of kids. You do not have to be religious to enjoy it. You are welcome to attend if you have any concerns.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 11.02am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
Thank you for the kind offer, being unable to think of anything more exciting than attending your entertaining and fun filled afternoon, I tried harder and thought of about four hundred things.
I was actually in a Bible based play once and played the role of 'Annoyed about having to do this.' My scene involved offering a potplant, as nobody knew what Myrrh was, to a plastic baby Jesus then standing between 'I forgot my costume so am wearing the teachers poncho' and 'I don't feel very well'. Highlights of the play included a nervous donkey with diarrhoea causing 'I don't feel very well' to vomit onto the back of Mary's head, and the lighting system, designed to provide a halo effect around the manger, overheating and setting it alight. The teacher, later criticised for dousing an electrical fire with a bucket of water and endangering the lives of children, left the building in tears and the audience in silence. We only saw her again briefly when she came to the school to collect her poncho.
Also, your inference that I am without religion is incorrect and I am actually torn between two faiths; while your god's promise of eternal life is very persuasive, the Papua New Guinean mud god, Pikkiwoki, is promising a pig and as many coconuts as you can carry.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 2.52pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
While it would be a pity for Seb to miss out on the important message of hope that the story of the resurrection gives, if you don't want him to attend the presentation on Monday then just tick the box that says I do not give my child permission to attend.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 11 March 2010 5.09am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I understand the importance the resurrection story holds in your particular religion. If I too knew some guy that had been killed and placed inside a cave with a rock in front of it and I visited the cave to find the rock moved and his body gone, the only logical assumption would be that he had risen from the dead and is the son of God. Once, my friend Simon was rushed to hospital to have his appendix removed and I visited him the next day to find his bed empty. I immediately sacrificed a goat and burnt a witch in his name but it turned out that he had not had appendicitis, just needed a good poo, and was at home playing Playstation.
Someone probably should have asked "So the rock has been moved and he's gone... has anyone checked his house?" I realise Playstation was not around in those days but they probably had the equivalent. A muddy stick or something. I would have said "Can someone please check if Jesus is at home playing with his muddy stick, if not, then and only then should we all assume, logically, that he has risen from the dead and is the son of God."
If we accept though, that Jesus was the son of an Infinite Being capable of anything, he probably did have a Playstation. Probably a Playstation 7. I know I have to get my offspring all the latest gadgets. God would probably have said to him, "I was going to wait another two thousand years to give you this but seeing as you have been good... just don't tell your mother about Grand Theft Auto."
Also, is it true that Jesus can be stabbed during a sword fight and be ok due to the fact that he can only die if he gets his head chopped off?
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 10.13am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Nowhere in the Bible does Jesus have a sword fight. Learning the teachings of the Bible is not just about religion. It teaches a set of ethics that are sadly not taught by parents nowadays.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.23pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
You raise a valid point and I appreciate you pointing out my failings as a parent. Practising a system of ethics based on the promise of a reward, in your case an afterlife, is certainly preferable to practising a system of ethics based on it simply being the right thing to do.
Many years ago, I lived next door to a Christian named Mr Stevens. You could tell he was a Christian because he had a fish sticker on his Datsun. He used to wave at us kids from his bathroom window on hot summer days as we played in the sprinkler. I learnt a lot from Mr Stevens. Mainly about wrestling holds. The trick is to oil up really well making it hard for the other person to hold you down. I would often lie on his living room rug looking up at the pictures of sunsets behind quotes from Psalms while waiting for him to unwrap his legs from around my torso.
Your job would be made much easier if, after making the school children sit through an hour of church youth group teens dancing, singing and re-enacting Jewish magic tricks, you simply told them that it was just a small taste of what hell is like and if they didn't believe in Jesus they would have to sit through it again.
When I was at school, we were forced to attend a similar presentation. Herded into the gym under the pretence of free chips, we were assaulted with an hour of hippies playing guitars and a dance routine featuring some kind of colourful coat and a lot of looking upwards. Due to the air-conditioning in the packed gym not working and it being a hot day, the hippie wearing the colourful coat blacked out mid performance and struck his head against the front edge of the stage spraying the first row of cross-legged children with blood. Unconscious, he also urinated. There was a bit of screaming and an ambulance involved and everyone agreed it was the best play they had ever seen.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 2.47pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Hello David
I don't see what any of that has to do with this play. It's important for children to have balance in their life and spirituality is as important in a childs life as everything else. There's an old saying that life without religion is life without beauty.
Darryl Robinson, School Chaplain
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 12 March 2010 3.36pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

Dear Darryl,
I agree completely that balance is an important component of a child's education. I will assume then that you will also be organising a class excursion to a play depicting the fifteen billion year expansion of the universe from its initial particle soup moments following the big bang through to molecule coalescion, galaxy and planetary formation and eventually life?
Perhaps your church youth group could put together an interpretive dance routine representing the behaviour of Saturn's moon Hyperion, shattered by an ancient collision and falling randomly back together, tugged to and fro by the gravitational pull of Titan, sixteen sister moons, the multi-billionfold moonlets of Saturn’s rings, Saturn’s gravitational field, companion planets, the variability’s of Sol, stars, galaxy, neighbouring galaxies... or possibly not, according to an old saying, there is no beauty in this.
Also, while I understand that the play is to be held outside school grounds, due to the fact that it is illegal to present medieval metaphysic propaganda in public schools, it is also my understanding that you are now required by law, as of last year, to go by the title Christian Volunteer rather than School Chaplain. A memo you may have missed or filed in your overflowing 'facts that cease to exist when they are ignored' tray.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip

I'm not going to waste any more precious time replying to your stupid emails. If you don't want your child to attend the play just indicate that on the permission slip.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 11.04am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Permission Slip




From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.11pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: No Subject

I will pray for you.
From: David Thorne
Date: Monday 15 March 2010 2.19pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: No Subject

Thanks. Mention that I want a Toyota Prado if you get the chance. A white one. With dark grey leather interior and sat nav.
Regards, David.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 9.20am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: No Subject

I've had enough of your nonsense. Dont email me again.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 10.18am
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Word of God

DARYL, THIS IS GOD. BUY DAVID A TOYOTA PRADO. A WHITE ONE. WITH DARK GREY LEATHER INTERIOR AND SAT NAV.
From: Darryl Robinson
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.35pm
To: GOD Cc: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Word of God

I'm serious.
From: GOD
Date: Tuesday 16 March 2010 2.48pm
To: Darryl Robinson
Subject: Re: Re: Word of God

OK.

[Liverpel]

We need cheering up today!

From: Brian Lawrence
Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.04am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Car

Hi I saw your ad for the car I checked redbook and its not worth much because its pretty old and they hve lots of problems with the waterpumb and stuff. can come and have a test drive now if your home. will you take $1800 cash for it?
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 11.46am
To: Brian Lawrence
Subject: Re: Car

Dear Brian,
Thank you for your enticing offer. I was moments away from swapping the vehicle for three magic beans so your timing is impeccable.
When I was about ten, I swapped my Standish Selecta 12 racing bike for a broken microwave oven. Planning to construct a mind control ray, I connected the innards of the dismantled microwave unit to a tape recorder (which repeated the words "Let David paint his bedroom walls black") and plugged it into the mains. Unfortunately, the only results were being thrown across the room, receiving third degree burns to my hands and arms and forgetting how to do long division.
Disheartened that there have been only eighteen enquiries for the vehicle, despite it being advertised over an hour ago, I am not only prepared to deliberate your offer, but willing to throw in a pair of pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food to sweeten the deal.
Regards, David.
From: Brian Lawrence
Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 3.17pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Car

ok. does the car take petrol or diesel? I can come now if your home. whats the address? what the **** would I want squirel food or pants for?
From: David Thorne
Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 4.08pm
To: Brian Lawrence
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,
They are quite nice pants. Squirrel food enables you to entice squirrels into your garden. I often sit on my back deck watching them run back and forth excitedly like pop star Ricky Lee at an 'all you can eat' buffet. I wish I was a squirrel. Sometimes I talk to them and promise that if they speak to me I will not tell anyone else that they can do so. They haven't yet. I doubt I would be able to keep their secret anyway so it is probably for the best. I have named one Brian. He is an ugly squirrel and was constantly ridiculed by the others until I tied a shiny ribbon around his neck. Now, as he passes, the squirrels point and declare "Look at that squirrel, he must be rich or a secret agent."
In regards to fuel type, the vehicle actually runs on a special blend of 9000 octane rocket fuel and plutonium. The tachometer reads 179,300 but has clocked several times due to the vehicle being capable of covering distances in excess of twenty thousand kilometres per second. The advantage of this is that due to relativity, I always arrive several minutes before I leave. Often, if I am very late for work, I simply drive around the block a few times and arrive before anyone else.
Once, when I misjudged the accelerator pedal for the brake while entering the carpark, I arrived at work the previous day and helped myself finish a project. We then went for a beer together but having nothing much to say, we went our separate ways, promising to catch up sometime but probably won't. If truth be told, he was kind of annoying and smoked all my cigarettes.

The address is Top of the Forest (High Ground), 100 Aker Wood East. It has a green door. You can't miss it.
Regards, David.
From: Brian Lawrence
Date: Wednesday 26 May 2010 7.24pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

I dont give a **** about stupid squirels. i hate squirels. is that a street address what suburb? do you want to sell the car or not? I can come and look now and the car looks white in the photo is it white or silver? do you have a cd player?
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 10.06am
To: Brian Lawrence
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,
The vehicle employs the same paint technology as the stealth bomber. Sometimes it appears white and other times like a small shrubbery. This has proven quite handy during police chases, especially in garden centres. The interior boasts a myriad of colours thanks to hand quilted Mennonite seat covers while the ceiling features an eighteen by twelve metre mediaeval tapestry of some guy in armour stabbing a fat peasant for offering three pence for his horse.
I do have a CD player, thanks for asking, and although the vehicle does not, it does feature a Rank Arena record player in the boot. As long as you do not exceed ten kilometres per hour and avoid speed bumps, the sound reproduction far surpasses that of compact disc technology. Along with the pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food, I will throw in the Boney M Christmas LP and Forever & Ever by Demis Rousoss which includes the hit single My Friend the Wind.
Regards, David.
From: Brian Lawrence
Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.34pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

you can keep the squirel food and pants what have squirrels go to do with the car?I can get a black BMW for how much you want for your car. why are wasting my time? are you ****ing stupid? i hope a ****ing squirel bites you and you die of aids fag.
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 1.51pm
To: Brian Lawrence
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

Dear Brian,
I do apologise, I assumed from your initial offer that wasting each other's time was the premise of our relationship. The vehicle has been sold, at the asking price, but the pants (beige, size 32L) and 4kg bag of squirrel food are still available if you want them.
When I was young, I had an Auntie named Phyllis who owned a glue gun and believed home made presents were far superior to store bought ones - despite her artistic level being just below that of a blind quadriplegic monkey. I once received, inside a large box with a shiny ribbon, a Christmas tree snowman ornament consisting of a foam ball with plastic hat, sequins for buttons and face drawn on with a Bic pen. For my birthday. In February. Her presents were quietly refered to as "**** in a shiny ribbon."
I'm sure you will be much happier with your BMW. As you drive down the street people will probably point and declare "Look at that guy, he must rich or a secret agent."
Regards, David.
From: Brian Lawrence
Date: Thursday 27 May 2010 5.21pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Car

go **** a squirel

[smither]

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[Reece]

Brilliant

[PTP]

class

[Kenneth]

[Pablo]

[Liverpel]

Genius!

[johnp]

[Shaggy]

[ame="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3C22rJP6MD0"]YouTube- Oprah Winfrey interviews David Thorne from 27bslash6.com[/ame]

[Harv]

[Reece]

http://www.27bslash6.com/foggot.html

[Harv]

[CJ]

thats a brilliant one.

[Tee]

Owned.