Trent - the Madman

[McDermotX]

Fluting around boards.ie the other day and came across a thread that somehow passed me by, so apologies if it has been doing the rounds before, as they look to be a few years old.
Series of short bites about some fella called Trent, who goes around fighting, shooting, ****ing etc etc.
Very similar in tone to the legendary Kriss Akabusi stories, but shorter and more random. Found myself laughing like a ****ing idiot in work.....
Started out in the creative writing section of the forum, played as someone looking for forum member's impressions on his efforts, but quickly descended into some of the funniest quips I've read in a long time, with clearly intended **** grammar and spelling...

A man in a hat entered the room. He took off the hat. “It's you!” They all said. At the same time like a class speaking to a teacher. “Hahaha Hello gentleman”, the man in the hat said, putting the hat on the table. “And hello ladies he said. Turning to the ladies and lifting his hat politely. “Leave us alone Trent!” The women said. Perhaps it was because the were angry at him for something he had done in the past, a long, long time ago. Or perhaps it was because he was holding a gun at them! The gun came from nowhere. He had got it out of his pocket and now both bullets were aimed at the people.”Say your prayers!” The man said but one of the men grabbed the gun, knocking the table with the hat on it and some other things on the floor. A vase got broken. Now the gun was in the other hands and we would have to wait and see if it was the right hands.

[McDermotX]

It had always been Trents problem to treat women like objects. Like a nice bookcase or a €350,000 mansion. He was sorry about that and sorry about what he had to do but he knew he had to do it. He had to pick up his hat and his gun and had to march to that house. He knew the people would be there and he had to kill them! But back to the women. Trent liked women but like all his things he did not do the right things with them. Like the time he broke that man's pen inthe bank by accident. He also like to take things that weren't his. "Leave my things alone! They would say to him. But he didnt care. not a jot.

[McDermotX]

SKRRK! SKRRK SKRRK! Somehwere in the distance Trent could hear it. SKRRK! SKRRK! SKRRK! Trent could well remember that noise from the time he was in the army. "I can well remember that noise from the time I was in the army" Trent thought. No time for thinking, he thought. And carried on running. The SKRRK!ing seemed to be getting closer though and Trent knew he must stop and fight or be killed. "Gasp!" Trent gasped. "Corporal Jones?" "Hahaha, yes Trent, I knew you would come here and I knew you knew what the SKRRK!ing was and that you must stop. That's why I did it and why I came here in the first place." Trent wasn't sure whether he should hug him or punch him! Hug him because of the SKRRK!ing wasn't real and he knew he was safe after all, or punch him because he didn't actually like him! He shook the Corporal Jones on the hand. "Hahaha" said Corporal Jones. "Same old Trent!"

[McDermotX]

"A gun!" Trent barked and "A hat!. The shopkeeper did not appreciate being barked at but told Trent where the guns and the hats where in his shop. He also didn't like to sell a gun to a man like Trent. The hat was ok. "Take your precious gun and hat and get out of my shop" said the shopkeeper when Trent had bought the gun and hat. Trent left the shop, pointing the gun at the shopkeeper like he might have shot him. The hat sat on his head like a man sitting on a park bench. "Peeeow!" peeowed Trent making a noise like a gun shooting. "Peeow " to you too said the shopkeeper. He knew there wasn't any bullets in the gun! Yet...

There's more.....

[destinydude]

Err what?

[McDermotX]

Err what?

That was exactly my first reaction, and then I just kept reading them............couldn't rationalize at all about why I found them so funny, might be an acquired taste, or require a certain warped sense of humour.
I honestly don't know....

Trent was having a flashback. He suddenly remembered lots of exciting things that had happened to him that really showed who he was. He was glad that there was no way people could of known what he was thinking because it really gave away a lot about him. He shook his head to refocus on what he had to do. "Oh yes, killing all them people" Trent thought. He chuckled to himself "hahaha" because of the flashback. "Gosh that would really explain a lot about me... if people only knew what I was just thinking about..." A man who was passing looked at him and wondered why he had said it. BANG! Trent shot the man dead! He fell on the floor like some shopping that hadn't been doubly bagged but there was heavy shopping in the bag, so the bag ripped. Trent was just like that, but no-one knew why.

[McDermotX]

Trent looked at himself in the eyes. He couldn't of seen them normally except he was looking in a stream. Because of being in the army, he knew all about survival. Using a stream like mirror or a log or something as a seat if his legs got tired. His eyes that he was looking at looked tired, if only there was a log in that stream for them. There probably was logs in the stream thought Trent, but I'm not touching them with my eyes! "haha thought Trent. Trent sat on a log. Because of his legs were tired. CRACK! A noise went. CRACK! Like a mouse's spine breaking. Trent turned round at mouse height expecting to see one with a broke back. It was a broken twig though with a foot on it. Trent thought that was probably what broke it. He looked up the foot and up the leg the foot was on and then up again until he saw the face of a beautiful woman. Then Trent had sex with her " hahaha" Thought Trent.

[Frenchie]

sorry mate but they be the dribblings of a poorly educated moron and not in the least bit funny...er no the fact you find them funny is ironically funny..imho

[spud_gun]

ahem.....just over a year or so latte

http://www.est1892.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=78074&highlight=Trent

[twistnkuyt]

I laughed, quite a lot. So much people laughed at my laughing.

[McDermotX]

sorry mate but they be the dribblings of a poorly educated moron and not in the least bit funny...er no the fact you find them funny is ironically funny..imho

Probably is just me.......

ahem.....just over a year or so latte

http://www.est1892.co.uk/forums/show...ighlight=Trent

I laughed, quite a lot. So much people laughed at my laughing.

So its not just me then

A Mysterious STranger?

"So, we meet again Trent" said the man. "WHo is this man?" thought Trent. "Hahaha " said Trent, "I suppose we do, why don't you just tell me your name though, to remind me what it is in case I kill you and I need to tell the papers or a policeman what the name of the man I killed was." The man didn't fall for the trick though. "What's the matter Trent don't you recognise me?" Trent looked at the man, expcept he couldn;t because he was wearing a hat pulled down over his face and he was standing in the shadows anyway. Trent got ready to pull his gun out very quickly and shoot the man and this is what he was just about to do when suddenly the man stepped forward. "I am your father Trent" he said, taking off his hat. "Oh yes, said Trent "I didn't recognise you for a minute then" "hahaha" they both said. BANG! Trent shot the man! "Merry Christmas" said Trent.

Trent couldn't resist it. The casino had pulled him in. Like when you pull in all the stuffing from a cushion that your naughty dog has chewed up and left on the floor and instead of shouting at the dog your mum shouts at you because you were supposed to be watching him. So Trent was in the casino even though he had other stuff to do, like killing all them people. Like when you have homework and you should do it but you watch both Simpsons on sky one and then the Scrubs repeats and your stupid sister tells of you. Anyway he was pulled in. And he knew he had stuff to do but he didn't care, he had shot his parents anyway they couldnt tell him off because of they were dead!. "£1000000 on black" Trent said. He casually tossed a £1000000 chip on the table. The cocktail waitress really fancied him. "BLACK!" exclaimed the dealer. "hahaha" said Trent. "Too easy". Then he had sex with the cocktail waitress.

Trent felt a hand on his shoulder. At least he assumed it was a hand. His mind briefly ran through the other things it could of been, a bird? no that would of been obvious because of its claws and feathers, a leaf from a tree? too light. could his hat have fallen off his head? no he was very careful about his hat. Eventually he just turned his head to see what it was. A hand. "hahaha" Though Trent. "I knew it". "What are you looking at my hand for" said the hand owner. Trent turned round, he could of shot him there and then for that but his mind was on other things. "what is this on my shoulder, a hand? " and then "why is this hand on my shoulder " were the other things his mind was on, not shooting. "What do you want" said Trent. "I hear you can" The man paused. "solve problems" he said after the pause. Trent tried to think of something supercool to say like "Im not a maths teacher" or soemthing. He couldnt though because of the whole hand/shoulder thing. BANG! Trent shot the man! "I guess you won't be putting your hands on any shoulders now" said Trent. But he wasn't really happy with it.

Trent stopped at the door to take a deep breath and also because of it was closed. Then the door opened and a woman who Trent didn't want to have sex with opened the door. BANG! Trent shot the woman! "hahaha" said Trent "anyone home?!". He quickly buried the body in the garden and went in the house. Trent could hear the cocktail party was happening in the dining room which was the room he was next to. He wanted to walk past the room but the door was open! Trent easily somersaulted over the top of the door so no-one saw him! He knew the man with the information was in the next room. Trent knocked on the door and said "room service" in his best voice. The trick worked easily and trent went into the room. "It's you! "said the man when Trent was in the room "I'll give you the information Trent just dont kill me" he said. BANG! Trent shot the man! He didnt have time for games. Then he found the information in the room. Just then the people from the party came into the study and saw trent and the man and trents gun and the information in trents hands and the other things in the room, books mostly, there was a bin in the corner. "can i see your invitation" said one of the men. This was a silly thing to say firstly Trent obviasly didnt have an invitation, secondly he wouldnt of gone to that party and thirdly it made Trent say "yes heres my invitation" and kill them all with his gun.

[McDermotX]

The Trip

"so this is london" said Trent as he looked out the taxi window. He was looking for the ambassadors house but all he could see was heathrow airport, the statue of big ben and oxford circus, then suddenly he saw it! "stop the car!" ordered trent, the man started braking but trent didnt have time for that and opened the door out on to the m25! The taxi driver shouted for him to stop but trent had already jumped and was rolling up to the door of the ambassadors house! The ambassador knew something was wrong maybe because of the training he had got off the army or maybe because of trent was smashing his door down! Trent was going to get to the bottom of this if it killed him or more likely if he killed evryone else. The ambassador had his own gun and was pointing it at the door ready to shoot Trent but then the window smashed and that was the way Trent had come in so it was all a big surprise and he grabbed the ambassador and the ambassador dropped his gun. Trent asked him about what had happened and then killed him just then the ambassadors wife came in. You could tell she fancied trent "Your a woman.Normally i would either have sex with you or kill you" siad trent "but i'm out of bullets". She smiled and started walking towards him. CRACK! Trent broke her neck with a sickening karate chop that probably would of even killed a man or any animal you can think of, a lion easily. not an elephant lets not be silly but it was a hard chop.

The man pushed open the door to the saloon, he was looking for Trent. The Saloon was in Asia somewhere and all the men in it looked really evil some of them werent wearing shirt. Other ones had headbands on and scars they all looked like they knew karate except one who only had one leg ' probably eaten off by a tiger or exploded off by a grenade' thought the man. Then he heard it "hahaha" the last time he had heard that noise two men were dead and one woman had been had sex with. He looked through the crowd and saw Trent playing russian roulette! BANG! A man shot himself! BANG! Another man shot himself! CLICK! Trent didn;t shoot himself! "hahaha" he said "Too easy" as he collected the money and stepped over the dead bodies taking care not to have sex with any women in the room. The man gave Trent an envelope and Trent looked inside of it and found €147638 and a note he read the note it siad "KILL THE PRESIDENT". Trent crunched the note into a ball and threw it in the air BANG! Trent shot the ball of paper and the man at the same time! He looked at the man he had just shot at the same time as the ball of paper and said "Don't you know that periods of severe financial crisis require a strong socio-political base from which to resolve themselves!" Trent said but he didn;t really mean it he just wanted the money and couldnt of been bothered anyway.

Trent said the password and now the man was unlocking the door. KRRR-CLICK! KRRR-CLICK! KRR-CLICK! Actually, there was four locks. KRRR-CLICK! Now the door was open and Trent walked into the secret base. He thought for a few seconds about shooting the doorman but changed his mind in case the door was locked when he wanted to go. The man looked relieved when trent stopped pressing the gun on his head. Trent walked down the corridor of the secret base and on each side there was rooms, trent looked in the rooms as he walked he could see at least 7 crimes going on but Trent was too busy to get involved or to stop the ones he didnt like. Finally, after what seemed like 30 seconds Trent got to the Bosses room. He could see the boss in the room walking around as he talked on the phone. trent waited for the perfect moment and then did a flying kick through the door and pinned the boss against the wall with it. "Room service!" shouted Trent as he flew through the air. The man's neck broke instantly as Trent got him and his face was dead but had a smile on it! It was because he owned a chain of hotels and because of what Trent said in the air!

Trent climbed the fence to the top of the fence, then he dropped silently to the ground like a €79 negligee falling off the shoulders of a beautiful woman. Except trent landed in an abandoned boatyard and not on his bedroom floor. Trent could see the baddies base it was an old submarine but a guard dog was running at him! Trent used his skills and looked at the dog and could recognise a malady of discontent in its eyes. Trent put the beast out of its misery with an awesome suplex! Now the dog was looking at him from doggy heaven "it was good that that man did that I didnt like being a naughty guard dog and biting people" it barked to the dog next to him in doggy heaven. Now trent was coming up to the door of the submarine he could see a henchman guarding it trent guessed it was his first day on the job he was looking awkward and he didnt have the proper uniform on yet he was wearing his own jacket and not the blue one that all the normal henchmen had! Trent took him out with a stunning footsweep he fell in the water and a shark bit him! "Hahaha too easy" Trent said to himself but then he thought "hmmm a bit too easy a guard dog with a malady of discontent and a henchman on his first day" Trent was even more on his guard than usual which is a lot. Now Trent came to the bosses room, the bosses chair was facing the wall so Trent couldnt see him. BANG! Trent shot the chair but not the man! Trent looked in the chair but the boss wasn't in it! There was just a note that said "BETER LUCK NEXT TIME TRENT". Trent crushed the paper and it instantly turned to dust. Then Trent realised the beeping he could hear was a bomb and a trap! Trent started running and dived out of the submarine door just as the bomb exploded. Trent looked at his trousers a bit of mud was on them. Now he was really mad someone was going to pay. €3.50 for dry cleaning and a karate chopped face.

[McDermotX]

Chapter 15

The antiques man picked up the pot very carefully it was very fragile like your nans voice when shes been out in the cold.He was wearing white gloves like a mickey mouse. Then he heard someone say “ancient etruscan i beleieve most likely 1576bc absolutely priceless of course” he turned round a man was standing there wearing some brand new €134 trousers. And a hat. A passing secretary fainted at how clever the thing she had just heard was. The two men stared silently for a second at the precious beauty in front of them… SNAPKICK! The antiques man looked down, at the end of his arms was a mess of shattered hands and pottery. Two seconds and various kung fu moves later he was knocked out. The antiques man woke up he could feel something on his back, he turned his head, there was a heavily muscled man having sex with a half conscious secretary on his back. “tell me the information, i know you work for the boss i lost a good pair of trousers that day who set me up?” said the man. “who..who are you?” asked the antiques man. Trent was so shocked he almost stopped having sex with the secretary. He looked at the man in the eyes and the man knew at once who he was dealing with. Trent asked him another question but it was to late the man had died because of fear! Trent tossed the secreatary into a shelf of antique door handles in disgust. He would have to ge tthe information another way. He dived out of the office window leaving behind him trail of broken antiques, fingers and hearts.

[McDermotX]

Chapter 16

Trent wnet into the stripclub because of he had found a matchbox that said the name of it at the antiques office. He saw the ladies being paid to take there clothes off and the men looking at them. He wasnt sure why they werent just having sex with them for free instead. This annoyed him though and he karate choopped a few of them in the neck as he walked passed. He could see the boss stripper she was doing a dance on the stage Trent climbed on the stage and stunned her slightly with a modest roundhouse disguised as a pirouette. Now he could get the information. ‘where is your boyfriend i no he has the information of who set me up’. One of the strippers had been had sex with off trent before though and could see what was happening! She summoned the other strippers with a hawk like shriek and they all surrounded Trent like people surrounding a person! There was no way trent was going to pay each one of them €20 euros so he had to think fast. Trent started doing the maths in his head ’37 strippers… decimal… three… power of ten…’ Trent was getting bored though and just decided to pulverise the head stripper with a fantastic wheelkick. He had remembered his army training about strippers and knew the rest would run away without there master. He didnt have the information but he wasnt going to leave empty handed. trent scooped up some of the stragglers and abseiled out of the building onto a passigng lorry.

[McDermotX]

Chapter 17

hmm there was something familiar about this man trent thought, now what was it… Trent looked at the man on the face and also all over his body. He must of done at least 7 looks. “oh yes!” trent sudenly thought, he is my exact double and is wearing exactly the smae face and clothes as me. except it wasnt exactly the same clothes because of they wouldnt of both fit in his trousers no matter how nice they were they only had 2 legs for a start and even discounting what the men had in their pockets, guns probably, they never would of fit. besides the man was jumping around and trying to get trent so there was no time for anything like that anyway. The other man was almost as good as Trent and was shooting a machine gun really quickly at him so trent knew he would have to do one of his best tricks. Trent dodged the bullets that were being shot at him and hid behind a bush he knew the man would follow him there like candy to a baby ‘come to poppa’ trent thought. Trent was being very queit like when you pretend to be asleep because you want to lie in and someone opens your bedroom door a bit and looks at you. The man was coming up to behind the bush now so Trent quickly pretended to be a mirror and the man stopped and started doing his hair. BANG! Trent shot the man! Trent searched the almost trent for a clue and found a clue in his pocket. it was a note from the Boss! KILL TRENT AND RETURN TO SECRET BASE COORDINATES 1576-844. Trent left the trent double in the ditch and started running in the direction of the base he could see in the distance a pack of secretaries rushing over to the dead Trent double like a pack of cats rushing to some spilt milk. “hahaha have fun ladies ” he said to himself.