On the way home from work on the bus. It's packed, it's hot and
everyone is well and truly p***ed off (including the driver).
The UCD stop comes up and the bell rings. Then the bell rings
again and again and again and again. Obviously each person
getting off thought they were the first to do it.
Suddenly the bus driver slams on the brakes, turns on the
intercom and roars at the entire bus.... "Will yis stop ringing
the bleedin' bell, who the f**k do yis think I am?? I' not
f***in Quasimodo!!!!!
Asolutely classic, the entire bus cracked up!
-----------------------------------
Sound as a euro
Man shouts over to elderly woman in a bar in Ballyfermot.
"Hows its going there Patsy, keeping well? to which the woman
replied loudly.."sound as a euro, sound as a euro"
------------------------------------------
Whole Finger ..... ?
Overheard two blokes I work with in Swords one day in locker
room:
1st bloke: "did ya hear about Danny's accident at the weekend ?"
bloke 2: "No wha happened ?"
1st bloke: "Got his hand caught in one of the pressing machine
rotors."
bloke 2: "Jaaayyssisss ... was he badly hurted ?"
1st bloke: "got one of fingers really bad and ripped it off !"
bloke 2 "Jaaayyssisss ... the whole finger ?"
1st bloke: Deadly serious "No ... the one beside it."
---------------------------------------
The hand is connected to the . . .
Shortly after the release of his James Bond movie, 'Die Another
Day', Pierce Brosnan was in a Dublin pub. A man greeted him
enthusiastically and asked to shake his hand. Brosnan complied.
Afterwards, the man looked down at his hand and said.. "That's
the closest my hand will ever get to Halle Berry's arse."
--------------------------------------
Red Sky at night....
In the back of a cab last night going up the quays, it was a
beautiful evening with a red sky. "Red sky at night..." said my
friend Neil waiting for one of us to finish the well known
phrase.
"....Tallaght's on fire" intercepted the cab driver.
--------------------------------------
On a No.13 bus in Ranelagh a harassed looking man was relating a
story to a friend. "On Friday night last I came home from work
and the Missus asked me to have a word with the 8 year old about
his bad language. Now I was knackered from the week's work and
told her I would talk to him in the morning. Next morning I came
into the kitchen and there were my 2 sons the 8 year old and his
5 year old brother. I asked the 8 year old what he would like
for brekkie and he put his 2 hands behind his head, threw the
feet up on the table and said he would like a f**king egg. At
this stage said the harassed parent I lost the head completely
and hit him a few clips on the legs, then still shaking I turned
to the 5 year old and asked him what he would like for brekkie.
The 5 year old clearly shaken by the previous vent said in a
tremulous voice......... I'm not having a f**king egg anyway.
__________________________________________________ __________
Kerry - Dublin relations
Sitting in the Hogan stand a few years back at a Kerry versus
Dublin football match there was these two men, one sitting in
front of me and another sitting behind me. One was a Kerryman
the other a Dubliner. The match was tight and a fairly heated
affair and the two boys were fairly vocal to say the least. Each
doing their best to wind up the other. Anyway a Kerry player
sent high lobbing ball down the field, a Dublin player was all
alone underneath it, hands out stretched it looked like a wasted
ball by the Kerry player. Laughing the Dublin Fan shouts "Nice
f**king pass ya f**king sheep shagger". As the ball descended on
top of the Dublin player it fell through his hands ,bounced of
his knee a flew into the stand. In turn the Kerry supporter
stood up in histerics and blasted out "IF TWAS A BAG OF HEROIN
YOU'D CATCH IT WUDNT EW YU JACKEEN BAST_ARD"
-----------------------------
Stones
A few months ago I overheard two auld fellas in a city pub
talking about an African woman who was to be deported. She did
not wish to leave Ireland, claiming that she would be stoned to
death in her own country after being found guilty of committing
adultery. One auld fella says.... "I hope they dont bring that
in here or they'll run out of stones".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mental Hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's
driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him,
"Charlie - what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to
Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next
day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I
need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe
trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall
into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed
masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"
To which Ed replies,"Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while
he's in Melbourne".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man gets up one morning to find his woman already in the
kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he
asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to
bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I
don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was waiting for a 34 in Church St listening to two old biddies
"D'ya see the Foley's youngest is after gettin married?"
"Gaway , tha was quick , was she pregnant or what"
"Naa, don't think so"
"Jayz, there's posh for ya"
----------------------------
Never a truer word spoken
I was on the bus into Dublin city centre from Tallaght with a
mate. A few seats ahead of us was a particulary unpleasant
looking 'scanger burd' as they're known. She was a wee bit
intoxicated and roared abuse at fellow passengers. When she
eventually got of the bus the guy sitting in front off us turned
around and said "Jaysus you wouldn't even ride her into battle"
-----------------------------------
Car Minding"
Up for a game at Croke Park a few weeks back. Paid the 10 Euro
to the local 12 year old 'head the ball'-to-be so he'd look
after the car. A BMW parked behind and the yound lad roars...
"giz 10 euro an' I'll mind yer car".
Yer man replied, pleased as punch.... "No, that's ok. I'm
leaving my dog in the car. He's a German Shepard".
Without blinking the young entrepreneur replies... "Yea, sound.
Here, can your dog put out fires?"...
-------------------------------------
A couple of weeks ago myself and 3 of my friends were sitting in
my car, just havin a laugh, listening to music.
When out of nowhere 2 garda appeared, one at each side of the
car, (obiviously they thought we were up to something).
I rolled down the driver window and the garda said; "Howaya
lads, we're the Guards" to what I could only reply:
"Howaya Guards, we're the lads!"
************************************************
everyone is well and truly p***ed off (including the driver).
The UCD stop comes up and the bell rings. Then the bell rings
again and again and again and again. Obviously each person
getting off thought they were the first to do it.
Suddenly the bus driver slams on the brakes, turns on the
intercom and roars at the entire bus.... "Will yis stop ringing
the bleedin' bell, who the f**k do yis think I am?? I' not
f***in Quasimodo!!!!!
Asolutely classic, the entire bus cracked up!
-----------------------------------
Sound as a euro
Man shouts over to elderly woman in a bar in Ballyfermot.
"Hows its going there Patsy, keeping well? to which the woman
replied loudly.."sound as a euro, sound as a euro"
------------------------------------------
Whole Finger ..... ?
Overheard two blokes I work with in Swords one day in locker
room:
1st bloke: "did ya hear about Danny's accident at the weekend ?"
bloke 2: "No wha happened ?"
1st bloke: "Got his hand caught in one of the pressing machine
rotors."
bloke 2: "Jaaayyssisss ... was he badly hurted ?"
1st bloke: "got one of fingers really bad and ripped it off !"
bloke 2 "Jaaayyssisss ... the whole finger ?"
1st bloke: Deadly serious "No ... the one beside it."
---------------------------------------
The hand is connected to the . . .
Shortly after the release of his James Bond movie, 'Die Another
Day', Pierce Brosnan was in a Dublin pub. A man greeted him
enthusiastically and asked to shake his hand. Brosnan complied.
Afterwards, the man looked down at his hand and said.. "That's
the closest my hand will ever get to Halle Berry's arse."
--------------------------------------
Red Sky at night....
In the back of a cab last night going up the quays, it was a
beautiful evening with a red sky. "Red sky at night..." said my
friend Neil waiting for one of us to finish the well known
phrase.
"....Tallaght's on fire" intercepted the cab driver.
--------------------------------------
On a No.13 bus in Ranelagh a harassed looking man was relating a
story to a friend. "On Friday night last I came home from work
and the Missus asked me to have a word with the 8 year old about
his bad language. Now I was knackered from the week's work and
told her I would talk to him in the morning. Next morning I came
into the kitchen and there were my 2 sons the 8 year old and his
5 year old brother. I asked the 8 year old what he would like
for brekkie and he put his 2 hands behind his head, threw the
feet up on the table and said he would like a f**king egg. At
this stage said the harassed parent I lost the head completely
and hit him a few clips on the legs, then still shaking I turned
to the 5 year old and asked him what he would like for brekkie.
The 5 year old clearly shaken by the previous vent said in a
tremulous voice......... I'm not having a f**king egg anyway.
__________________________________________________ __________
Kerry - Dublin relations
Sitting in the Hogan stand a few years back at a Kerry versus
Dublin football match there was these two men, one sitting in
front of me and another sitting behind me. One was a Kerryman
the other a Dubliner. The match was tight and a fairly heated
affair and the two boys were fairly vocal to say the least. Each
doing their best to wind up the other. Anyway a Kerry player
sent high lobbing ball down the field, a Dublin player was all
alone underneath it, hands out stretched it looked like a wasted
ball by the Kerry player. Laughing the Dublin Fan shouts "Nice
f**king pass ya f**king sheep shagger". As the ball descended on
top of the Dublin player it fell through his hands ,bounced of
his knee a flew into the stand. In turn the Kerry supporter
stood up in histerics and blasted out "IF TWAS A BAG OF HEROIN
YOU'D CATCH IT WUDNT EW YU JACKEEN BAST_ARD"
-----------------------------
Stones
A few months ago I overheard two auld fellas in a city pub
talking about an African woman who was to be deported. She did
not wish to leave Ireland, claiming that she would be stoned to
death in her own country after being found guilty of committing
adultery. One auld fella says.... "I hope they dont bring that
in here or they'll run out of stones".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mental Hospital
A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's
driving a car, with his hands at 10 and 2. The nurse asks him,
"Charlie - what are you doing?"
Charlie replies, "Can't talk right now, I'm driving to
Melbourne!"
The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room. The next
day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his
imaginary car and she asks, "Well Charlie, how was your trip?"
Charlie says, "I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I
need some rest."
"That's great," replied the nurse, "I'm glad you had a safe
trip."
The nurse leaves Charlie's room, and then goes across the hall
into another patients' room and finds Ed sitting on his bed
masturbating vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, "Ed - what are you doing?"
To which Ed replies,"Shhh, I'm shagging Charlie's wife while
he's in Melbourne".
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man gets up one morning to find his woman already in the
kitchen cooking. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees
one of his socks in the frying pan. "What are you doing?" he
asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to
bed very drunk," she replied.
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I
don't remember asking her to cook my sock.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
I was waiting for a 34 in Church St listening to two old biddies
"D'ya see the Foley's youngest is after gettin married?"
"Gaway , tha was quick , was she pregnant or what"
"Naa, don't think so"
"Jayz, there's posh for ya"
----------------------------
Never a truer word spoken
I was on the bus into Dublin city centre from Tallaght with a
mate. A few seats ahead of us was a particulary unpleasant
looking 'scanger burd' as they're known. She was a wee bit
intoxicated and roared abuse at fellow passengers. When she
eventually got of the bus the guy sitting in front off us turned
around and said "Jaysus you wouldn't even ride her into battle"
-----------------------------------
Car Minding"
Up for a game at Croke Park a few weeks back. Paid the 10 Euro
to the local 12 year old 'head the ball'-to-be so he'd look
after the car. A BMW parked behind and the yound lad roars...
"giz 10 euro an' I'll mind yer car".
Yer man replied, pleased as punch.... "No, that's ok. I'm
leaving my dog in the car. He's a German Shepard".
Without blinking the young entrepreneur replies... "Yea, sound.
Here, can your dog put out fires?"...
-------------------------------------
A couple of weeks ago myself and 3 of my friends were sitting in
my car, just havin a laugh, listening to music.
When out of nowhere 2 garda appeared, one at each side of the
car, (obiviously they thought we were up to something).
I rolled down the driver window and the garda said; "Howaya
lads, we're the Guards" to what I could only reply:
"Howaya Guards, we're the lads!"
************************************************
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